March 5th, 2005by Essb
I dont know why I am writing here, it feels like waste of time. Pretty much how my life is anyway, a big waste of time. I ussually keep things inside because I believe people dont really care about much anyway other than to feel superior when someone else has problems. I never trusted people much anyway, lets face it people have instincts as much as animals, they will cut your throat to save there hide in most cases. Anyway I will share a little bit for what its worth. I hope you all believe in curses because its obvious to me that my life has been a lifetime of curses. Maybe I was an evil person in a previous life because I cant figure out what I did wrong in this world.
All my life I have never been happy or able to cope well with adversity I am now 47 and still single, empty and alone.
I have always been considered attractive by the opposite sex, always got second, third or fourth glances. Because of my problems, relationships would never work out, thus I have spent all of my teenage and adult life just searching….searching for meaning and ways to improve myself.
As I think back I now realize my brain never functioned correctly, in school I remember being confused and being lousy at remembering, concentrating, focusing and taking tests, though always fairly intelligent.
My self esteem began to drop even before I knew what the word self esteem meant. My parents separated when I was nine which added salt to my wounds, all along I pretended to be normal and fit in even though I knew something was not quite right. At the time I thought the wrongness was outside and my surroundings, some probably were, but I was was mostly wrong on the inside. Thinking back I was what could have been a hotrod but I was always a V-8 running 2 cylinders, mentally tired confused and depressed. Though at the time again I just thought I would out grow it and life would just evolve and open up, I would eventually be happy and live a normal life. As I look back I now assume I had/have Attention Deficit Disorder, depression, maybe even some dyslexia. All this just made me tired, irritable, hopeless and eventual thoughts of suicide. In my early twenties I buckled up, held my breath and entered therapy several times even with several different groups and therapists, again a waste of time, only an expensive waste this time. I havnt progressed much at all over the years, financially and jobwise I am ok, I could be better but I am comfortable. Relationship wise my life has been hell, many times my focus and concentration is so bad I cant even carry on a conversation, she ends up getting bored, and many times I am bored also unless sex is involved. All this struggle has made me tired, very tired. My life is really quite hopless now, I expect little or nothing from it now, I have nothing to offer it now and it has little to offer me. I feel I have been ripped off in this life. All my life has been a struggle, it feels like god has always had his foot on my throat to assure me I wont be getting up and moving on in this life. I cant see me continuing much longer in this world simply because there is no point, I assume one day I will end it for myself. Several years ago I bought a harey thinking maybe that would be a good way to go/be killed, doing one of the few things I like. If there were any cliffs around I sometimes feel I could muster the courage to just open her up feeling the rush of speed and riding it off the cliff, other times I wish I could get smacked by a car and just be killed instantly. At other times I feel I may be forced to just put a bullit in my head.
I also feel that suicide should be supported in this country and assistence should be provided, lets face it some people want out, and they want out cleanly and painlessly just like turning out a light switch. But because of the politics and hypocrisy in this country it becomes a moral issue. Its alright to go to war a kill 100,000 innocent people yet it becomes immoral to assist someone who has no hope in live to commit suicide.