The only reason I don’t
September 13th, 2008 by GodmustlovemeI have a child depending on me. He needs me more than I need to die. But I often think how much better off he would be without me. I’ve tried overdosing in the past, but my stomach won’t keep the pills down. I have tried five times before and each time vomited them up. I’ve tried counseling with a clergyman, but he recently hurt me badly while I was going through a health issue with my child. My depression seems to be situational, that is, when everything starts hitting me all at once, I get really down, and it’s so hard to get out of the pit. But when I needed some tender words, some compassion, some understanding, instead I got bitched out over something that came out of left field. I have been thinking of signing custody of my child over to someone else, and just ending the misery, but I can’t hurt my baby like that. My child adores me. I know it. But it kills me to know that my child sees me going through this hell. I know the hopeless feelings that it causes, and it just makes me feel worse than ever before. I can’t even talk to anyone, because all they say is “pick yourself up by your bootstraps and straighten up.” I am so afraid of going to hell if I kill myself. I keep getting told how much God loves me, and I know that’s true, but the pain just won’t go away. And no one cares.
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