tired of trying
September 5th, 2008 by leeemeraldI like having an anonymous forum to post these thoughts. Sometimes, you DON’T want some happy-go-lucky prick telling you all the reasons you have for living. The depression has become so pronounced in my life. I am a clean person. I always kept my room clean as a kid. I always kept my place clean as an adult. However, as this depression consumes my thoughts endlessly, I have grown a sense of not caring. My place is so trashed. My car is trashed. My mind is trashed.
I have had suicidal thoughts since I was 12. Feeling suicidal as a teen is so typical these days. I always figured in the back of my mind that when you grow up, you get too busy to think like that. Unfortunately, I was dead wrong. My depression has caused me to lax on so much of my life. I pay my traffic tickets on the last possible day. I take my trash out the day after it gets picked up. I wash my dishes after there is nothing to use. I cut my hair when my co-workers complain about it. I shave for the same reasons. I tried so hard to keep up with my life in the hopes I would be sharing it with someone special. Every time I think I’ve found her, it fails.
The thing that eats away at my mind is the drugs. All the years I abused drugs, I was always with someone. Girls just seemed to be drawn to me. When drugs caused me to lose the love of my life, I quit them forever. Ever since stopping, I haven’t gotten past a second date with anyone. The drugs made my life so miserable. Love cannot last when you’re addicted. I eventually learned to believe that with all my heart. Now that I’m clean, I cannot find love. Where it use to take me a few months to find someone, here it is over a year later and I’m not even close.
If I had to choose a way to go, I think it would be overdose. I would fall into that crowd, and find a girl who loves me. I would spend a month or two relishing in that love. Then, one night, I would reflect on how great that feeling was. I would load up a syringe, and wait for the darkness to carry me out with the memory of love not so distant in my heart and mind. If I knew there was nothingness in store for us after death, I would definitely do this. Instead, because of my lack of knowledge for what comes next, I suffer daily. My mind and my soul bitch all day wondering why they can’t convince me to end their suffering.
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