i almost killed myself today. i was standing on the train platform, empty and so sad i just felt numb. the train appeared quickly and as it came nearer i started to think whether it was going fast enough to kill me and once i decided it was i had this really strange urge to just jump in front of it and end my life. the other people at the track faded out and all i could see was the subway lights and this massive blur coming towards me. suddenly i was calm and accutely aware that i was just a couple steps from the edge. kind of like in a dream it didn’t feel real. i didnt feel real and a part of me really wanted to jump. for a second i thought that i might. it was this sudden solution and jumping in front of the train made total sense and seemed totally reasonable. strange thing is…i want to live. i’m just in great pain all the time. i don’t even know what’s wrong. i mean what is it called when the normal period of down time or whatever turns into months and months. when i start to think that next year will be better and 4 years have passed. there are days when i think about suicide nearly all the time. it seems like dozens and dozens of thoughts at times, like i may spend my whole morning obsessed with suicide. i feel crazy. just writing this feels crazy. yet, i have a good job and live moderately well. i’m very average most would find and still i’m haunted by suicidal ideations. the days vary but on bad days i may spend the better part of my day contemplating how to kill myself. i used to hope that it would get better or that whatever was missing was right around the corner. aside from today, which i consider the closet i’ve ever come to suicide, i did go to a hardware store several times and measure chain link aroung my neck and find a suitable gauge. see, before, i had always had a plan, some list of things to do before i’d kill myself but it was never really practical. i would call my family and say good-bye, give away my things to friends and money to charity, pay all my bills, pack-up my stuff and just close up shop properly. all that did was give me a reason why i couldn’t kill myself yet at lease not without completing those tasks. but today was scary. i never felt so spontaneous about hurting myself. i had no preparations and i realized that i didn’t need them anyway. all i had to do was take a couple small steps. just about a meter or so. the edge of the platform was so close and the wind in the tunnel as the train approached was rushing so hard that you feel like your floating. that was it and it was so easy. instead i got on the train that took me to work and despite the 30 or so more thoughts that drifted in and out of my day i’m writing. i’m not really looking for help or answers. i’ve been crying in my room all night and came across this site and had to communicate with someone, anyone.

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This entry was posted on Thursday, October 2nd, 2008 at 2:24 pm and is filed under Suicidal Survivors. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.