Time to step out!
October 7th, 2008 by readytogoI’m still “considering my options”, but I’m pretty sure its time to step out of this life and move on to whatever lies ahead.
I’m not sure I’m depressed. I don’t like that word. I’m just finished with this project that was my life. I took some wrong turns and can’t get it back on track. About 5 years ago, I had a non-psychotic medical condition for which I was prescribed anti-depressants. Something told me it was a bad idea, and I questioned the doctor on it, but he assured me that I needed to take it. Well that was the time suicide first entered my mind. Seemed pretty reasonable then; of course with the help of the anti-depressants for a non-depressed person. I quit taking them after only 3 months because I found myself in a closet with a pistol in my mouth for no reason at all. Just seemed like the thing to do. I recall thinking about suicide as a child, but really didn’t understand it so I wasn’t sure what its purpose was.
Anyhow, fast forward to now. I’m in a hole that doesn’t really offer an ways out (remember the stories of guys jumping out of windows after the stock market crash?). I have a wife and a young son. It breaks my heart to think about leaving my son, but I know he will be taken care of. My wife is extremely unhappy, and I consider it my fault. It doesn’t help that I really don’t care about too much at this moment; when she wants to “talk” to me (read: scream at me) I just tune it out. She thinks I don’t care about her; the honest answer is I know her problems are my fault and there’s not much I can do to fix that for her right now.
I don’t think I’m crazy, nor do I think I’m depressed. But looking at all my options, suicide looks like the best one. I think it will be a real problem solver for everyone involved. I’m waiting now to make sure my life insurance is still good if I take my life. If it doesn’t, I’ll have to rethink this whole plan, because that was an essential part of it; leaving my family taken care of (which I’m not doing well at right now). I had a few friends that committed suicide, and a family member did it a few weeks ago; so it doesn’t really seem like a stretch for me to pull it off. For the rest of you that have written posts on here and are still alive, I hope you get your problems resolved. Life is a good thing in my opinion. I’d really like to keep living, but its just no longer feasible.
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