Quick life story–I’m now a 31-year old woman. I dropped out of middle school due to depression and anxiety and stopped leaving the house for 4 years, with the exception of car rides with my mom. At 18 I got into treatment and have been bouncing around between counselors and psychiatrists ever since. Right now I am without a counselor, psychiatrist, or primary care provider, but I still have my neurologist (I have epilepsy).
2 years ago I made my 2nd attempt and then moved back in with my mom. Not good for my self-esteem. My big bouts of depression have been coming and going since then, with accompanying symptoms like not going out and having cereal for more than 1 meal a day. It’s scary–I’m doing a lot worse than I have in the past, but also a lot better than certain times. As I write this, I’m criticizing myself for being less un-okay than the people who have written the blogs I’ve read tonight. It’s scary because although I can leave the house, do my own grocery shopping and make phone calls without first writing down what I’ll say, I still get suicidal.
It was only in the past couple of months that I realized that I will be mentally ill for the rest of my life. I hadn’t thought about it before, and I don’t know if I can avoid suicide forever. Mental illness runs in my family. Both of my siblings have had their troubles, along with my mom. My great uncle has been depressed for decades, but hasn’t killed himself because he believes he’d go to hell. What strength! I had an uncle who killed himself when I was a teenager, and now my younger cousins are starting to show symptoms. It’s heartbreaking. I’m not going to have children because I’m sure that they’d end up the same, and I couldn’t do that to them.
My biggest problem right now is that there is no one in my life who wants to hear any of this. Or if they would listen, I know from experience what kind of response I would get. My secrets would be passed on to everyone, I would be told that I just have to have a positive attitude, the long lecture that puts me in a worse mood or just being blown off. I haven’t had any friends since middle school and I wouldn’t be comfortable having one now. Poor me. I do have a caseworker who gets paid to talk with me, but right now it’s 12:53 AM so she’s asleep. I could call Crisis Intervention, but by the time I’m like this it’s too late. I always hide my tears from everybody. Am I the only one?
I’m sorry you had to read all this. It was just pointless release that I should have written in a journal.
2 comments
Dear Regression,
Its not pointless. It helps to put your feelings and thoughts onto paper. A journal helps, but sometimes you just want others to read to share and know you are not alone. You are not alone. We all have different problems, and some seem worse than others, but to ourselves, nothing seems bigger than the problems we have right now. There isn’t really much I can tell you, you are already seeking professional help, and you know the solutions to your problems. Its easy for me as a stranger to say “fix yourself”, but thats what it comes down to. You see it though as too big a problem to fix. So don’t, don’t see the big picture, do not see all the problems and all the things you need to do to fix things, instead look at one tiny thing, one tiny step you know you need to take and do it. All journeys need you to take the first step, so do it.
ANY….I hate you. I wish I could meet you in person and take out my personal hate on you. You leave this person comforting words, and you tell me that my problems are no big deal.