I’m going to Die

March 10th, 2009 by Apathy

Tonight i’m going to truely give in to this stupid cycle of misery and i’m going to make it end.
I’ve planned it well i beleave no one suspects i’m going to do it, i saw a counselor and i lied to him and chickened out of the help i know i need, walking into his office i felt so sure that he could fix me, help me but then i knew that no one could fix me so i lied and made out it wasn’t as bad as it seemed ironically he asked if i had a plan or some method, i said no while thinking yes. I get drunk as hell, cut my rists, take several panadol tabletsĀ and go for a Joy ride in a car eventually passing out and having a high speed car accident thus ending my pathetic existance
this will be my end.
Why i’ve come to this?
I’ve managed to push away everyone that i held dear, i still love them but i’ve made sure they don’t have any feelings for me. I don’t want them to cry for me or feel any misery i just to die and end this eternal war in my head with the only casuality been me and my sanity i feel i can gain nothing anymore.
I wasn’t made for this world i was ment to die before i was even born God made a capital mistake when he gave my parents me and now i’ll pay for his mistake and go straight to hell where filth like me deserve to be.
My life will end tonight as i drive my self into destruction i can only grip the one small thing and break it between my thumb and finger just like i’m a broken soul, there will be no God Or Heaven for me. I Am Going To Die.

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37 Responses to “I’m going to Die”

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  1. Hmmmmmm. I hoped that you would come to the better idea up till now, self-destruction cannot heal your pain…Even worse. When you die, your emotions become 9 times stronger then now… That is the reason, you need to stay in your body and start with healing your wounds. As soon as possible.
    Love and LIGht

  2. Umm, it seems soo complicated, you know… Cutting wrists and then going into a car? Do you have any idea how messy it is going to be? Blood everywhere… all the way from your home to the car… on your laps, on your seat, on a steering wheel… Does not look and feel too attractive, you know… I guess you are not that well prepared as you think… Gimme a buzz, I may be able to give you a better idea…

  3. Have you done it? Am I too late. You know at first as I read your entry I was jealous of you. I wanted to get in the car with you and end it all…all the pain and suffering and lonliness I feel. All the guilt; that damn guilt. That’s why I don’t do it. And then I got to thinking about your car veering into oncoming traffic and crashing into another car. Don’t do it that way. I’m not gonna tell you not to kill yourself, I’d kill myself if I thought I would succeed the first try without too much pain and that no one left would be hurt by it, I’m just saying don’t take anyone out with you that doesn’t want it.

  4. If I cannot convince you to not do it, please just don’t do it by a car crash. You might hurt some other innocents, and then your family and friends wouldnt be going to just one funeral.

    God bless, you obviously deserve it more than I do.

  5. dude I know exactly how you feel and luckily for me, I don’t believe in heaven or hell, but if they exist I’ll see you in hell. Fuck this life!

  6. Dont talk about yourself like that. Your not filth. I do know the feeling though… But I hold onto hope. And a new life… Think of it as a new beginning when you dont kill yourself… Somewhere someone loves you, you just dont know it yet darling…

  7. I agree with colormebroken, the karmic consequences of going via car accident is not very nice, consider another way if you must.

  8. ditto. going out in a car is always a risk to other innocent people, I wouldn’t want to kill anyone – just myself. This is why I’m taking advice given by someone here and take proper medicine and just walk away. Bye

  9. Well i didn’t do it, so you can all be happy.
    I thought about the consiquence of actually going out in a car accident and realised i’d probably end up smeared on the road or kill some ones child or mother. I’ve got a better idea actually,
    I’m going to drive to Lithgow and then catch a train to sydney central station then an other train up to ‘the gap’ it’s a large cliff face in sydney, the rest you can figure out.

  10. Confusing……………………which role are you/ Weak, Brave, coward or denial?

  11. Well if your talking to people on this site about killing yourself your actually counselling yourself by letting your emotions out to everyone and talking about it.. Peace to all. Your taking the first step, humans are meant to be… if you dont like yourself, become someone else… Instead of getting rid of yourself get rid of everyone else in your life. Pretend you know no one and no one can then affect you.
    Some people just want to die so other people will then notice them, others kill other people to get attention, they both SUCK! Do something cool like climb to the top of a building and pretend your gonna jump that’ll get you on telly, pretend you have a mental disorder and trick docs and general public in to thinking your handicap, write a book, make a movie theres nothing to lose if you hate yourself do anything no one cares!

  12. I feel the same way you do. so I also am planning to get out of this world. There is no one that can help me and I was taking depokote and then I started hearing voices. and you know the voices are right. Get out of this world as fast as you can the voices tell me. and I have now come to a full circle. I am going to jump off the tallest building in Los angeles. Or I am going to jump off an over pass during rush hour.

    I hurt every day inside and the pain will not go away. I can’t think straight and I know that there is no one who would even care if I lived or died. I thank the site owner for putting this up I just wanted something to say before I did it.

    The time is 4:35 pst in twenty minutes I will not be here any more and if there is a heaven I hope I get to it if there is a hell then let me burn in peace

    Goodbye

  13. hey, driving and crashing is one of my dreams but what if u ruined someone’s life as well? U want that? I no its bad I wanna die as well but dont ruin it for others. Goodbye. I hope death is as good for u as the ones dead tell me it is. Adrienne loves death.

  14. I took a mix of 6 laxatives, 10 flu pills, 6 paracetemol and some other funny little pills, it did fuck all, why am i still here, i think double the dose next time.. cant go on like this, im on self-destruct and i dont want to take everyone else down with me

  15. hey man the car idea was a good one u would have just needed to find a way unpopulated area to do it in. have u jumped off the cliff yet cuz if not i want in 14 years on this hell hole is to much 1 year is to much in my opinion and all that god bless u shit if there is a god would we all be depressed and wanting to kill our selves??? but if there is a hell then we’ll all meet up there and get hammered together which is the only good thing this world has to offer.

  16. dont do it i get bullied and all sorts but killing yourself for some one is dumb. you just think

  17. Thats not Fair. Here i am having to fight for my life and you get to throw away yours? You say you made sure no one feels anything for you and you made sure of that? How is that fair to them? I know life is far from fair but if your still on this Earth ask yourself if its really worth it. Everyone here is talking about taking pills and death but is that what you really want? think of it this way: me for example, im very young and have a terminal illness. i am going to die. but im fighting, im fighting hard. I know its in vain but im not ready. Maybe im too young to know what most of you are talking about but before you throw your life away think about the people who fight for theirs.

  18. i wuld really like to find a way that is pain less my heart breaks every day and he hatred i have for some of ppl i should love is terrible i just want a fast effective way i am hinking of gassing myself bu taking pills before hand and having a rope around my neck that way either of 3 ways im gonna die it sux bt not to many love me so none will miss me i just want everyone to knopw i am sorry and ill be burning this comp so this oprefully wont be found

  19. Get this…In the last year, I have been laid off my job, Dated a girl for 3 months, broke up with her, then found out a week later that she is pregnant, I cannot afford my rent anymore and am preparing to move into a friend’s basement, oh and I don’t have health ins. now, so can’t go to the Dr. to “talk” about all this shit. Life can be a fucking test at times. I have put my faith in God in the past, and for the most part, he has come through. But this time, I think even God is going to have a tough time helping me clean this mess up. It’s very easy to sit here, day after day, and think about how all of this shit would go away if I simply jumped off a bridge, or driving my car into a river. Friends are here at my place often. I’m not sure if they are just stopping in to say hi, or if they are checking to see if I’m still alive. Friends are good, but I don’t expect anything from anyone anymore. I’m almost 40 yrs old. My career has hit a dead end. The ecomony here in America is tanking, etc., etc.

    Someone, PLEASE give me a reason to live. I am begging at this point, because I just get the creepy feeling that the end is very near. There is only so much stress, pain, guilt, shame and pressure a human can take. I’m near my breaking point. I don’t know where to turn. Help.

  20. my birthday was yesterday…i turned 31. i barely noticed it this yr, but 10 yrs ago i would have just assumed be dead rather than age another day. life is filled with twists and turns, and some will die by their own hand. alternatives exist….try hapiness, smiling, friends, anything you can take some form of pleasure in…drugs and alcohoplk can be taken in more healthy doses and you can look forward to the exerience rather than drowning in the shit…sadly, i think of someone like my former self and i want to help them see the future and how aging matures your mind and respect for your life and others. dont let all of the bad news in the bloody world dig your holes any deeper. get the fuck outside and breathe some air and keep your eyes open for a change you can make yourself!!!

  21. I came to this page via Google.
    My life sucks right now and I just thought I’d type what I was thinking into the search box…and this popped up.
    I started reading this, thinking it would help me throw a pity party for myself and I could just drown in my depression for awhile.
    Then I read it and the comments and realized I really wanted those people’s email addresses or phone numbers or a way to reach them so I could simply say: Live. Someone read your story and someone actually cared. Because I realized that was all I really wanted to hear myself.
    So, before any of you die I hope you get a chance to read my reply.
    Because I would be your friend if I could.
    Because your stories helped me a bit.
    Because even though I don’t know you, I care….

  22. i am a 40 yr old single mum,i have been married twice in my life for long periods of time ,both my marriages have failed because both partners have been alcoholics.M y last marriage lasted 12 yrs and i have 2 great ,talented kids.my ex has been awful to deal with and acts like he is about 3yrs old.
    in 2006 he lost his job and was out of work for 2yrs and i supported us ,he had a shoulder injury and sat around and drank several slabs a week of beer with his friends,spoke to me like dirt and was mentally and
    physically violent.I eventually had to call the police and he was arrested and charged,this broke my heart,but i had kicked him out so many times and taken him back so many times ,i couldnt help him anymore.
    NOW WHY AM I TELLING YOU THIS BECAUSE this is only the very tip of the iceberg ,i am more broke this time and i have picked myself up and made myself get on with it more times than i care to remember…….
    I have read every single book and joined every single selfhelp club i can find ,tried all sorts of things to improve my thinking on life and how to handle situations,i even thought i would join some dating sites ,which i did,more disappointment,apparently people tell me im very pretty,well that doesnt help…………
    HERE ARE SOME THINGS THAT MIGHT
    Dont listen to the people who dont know what you are going through everyone needs some empathy and understanding and appreciation
    YOU ARE NOT HOPELESS FOR FEELING THIS WAY ,
    Take some time for yourself and go walking,breathe,even if you dont feel like it……………..
    put yourself first for once,even in a small way ,buy something small for yourself……………………

    MOST OF ALL BE KIND TO YOURSELF ,take one step at a time
    Repair and take care of one thing at a time,each small achievevment will help you to feel better…………….

    i have been so badly treated and neglected by people,people who i have loved,cared for,let sleep on my couch,fed,given money,listened to for hours on the phone,collected them from bad situations and just supported in general,i too have had many dark hours ,especially recently and no money to support my kids as i have been unable to work due to illness from stress,however ………………………..
    TWO THINGS THAT USUALLY PULL ME THROUGH
    1/THIS SAYING WHICH I OFTEN TELL MYSELF………….AND THIS TO SHALL PASS[EVERYTHING CHANGES,NOTHING STAYS THE SAME FOREVER]
    2/REMEMBER WHEN EVERYTHING SEEMS DARK …….THAT IS THE TIME TO HAVE MORE FAITH NOT LESS………EVEN THOUGH I KNOW ITS HARD..

    I had to write here tonight as im feeling quite alone and people can be very mean regardless of how nice you are to them……………
    OH and my ex now has a job and thinks he is a hero and too good for me LOL and doesnt want to help me ,barely sees the kids,
    SEE WHAT I MEAN ,people have no idea what they do to other people,because everyone these days are self absorbed…………..

    I still have a kind heart if any one on here needs someone to talk to ,to hear them, email me on bindilee@aapt.net.au
    i will help if i can please write to me ,there is always hope,even if you cant see it……sometimes help and support come from the most unlikely places

    smile today…

  23. I devoted my life to a woman for 8 years. All of my hopes and dreams revolved around her. She was the only reason I did anything. She wanted a more luxurious life style so I started a business that stressed the hell out of me and the risks I took nearly bankrupted me. She finally left me just as I started to turn it around and become successful. Because she wanted someone who was calm, without all the stress, and had more time for her. I honestly feel like I died already when that happened. My existence on this earth has just been a mirage since then. I’m not alive. I’m just an empty shell where someone used to live. It’s been over 2 years now and it hasn’t gotten any better. If anything it’s gotten worse. I met a great woman and I’ve been trying my hardest to open my heart and love her like I used to be able to love. But the truth is I have no heart and there is no way I could possibly love her or anyone else ever again. I’m just lying to myself and to her every day I stay with her and waste more of her time. I used to be so angry with people like all of you on this site that made no effort to be better and make the world a better place, but now I understand. The world is a vampire just like it says in that stupid song by the Pumpkins. There is nothing I or anyone else really can do to change it and eventually we will all end up alone and grieving. I can’t blame her or anyone else for doing what is best for them. That’s what humans do… we do what is best for us and only us. Who cares what anyone else thinks about it, because we all know in a short amount of time we won’t have to answer to that person again anyway. Well, unless of course they are blood related… we will probably still hear from them so we better love them unconditionally.

    I’m not going to kill myself yet, but I have found myself trying my hardest to push away everyone that loves me so I no longer had a reason not to pull the trigger. I used to feel so bad for all those people who didn’t have close friends or family that went through something like I did. But now I just wish I was one of them so it could all just be over. My biggest fantasy is getting struck by lightning or some other form of sudden death.

    If there is a God please strike me dead, that way I won’t personally hurt someone by doing it myself!

  24. …hey ugh guys, how are we gonna kno if they killed themselves? i mean i the advice is great and all but the dude might be at the bottom of a cliff by now. Hey apathy? no more fake announcements, seriously its the boy who cried wolf. and in my opinion if u dont want to hurt the people u love then dont kill yourself, my dad killed himself, it was the most selfish thing a person could possibly do. theres no excusing it.

  25. If its not too late. myspace.com/beastonthefield

    Add me and we can talk. It just might help a bit.

  26. I know how it feels. the despair, the misunderstanding, the self hate and self destruction. I was always too creative, felt people too much and it led to others abusing me as a child. The memories came much later, years after I married. The pain has been too much for a long time.
    The worst is thinkng how my suicide will affect and hurt my parents, my brother, friends and my ex husband but overall we are all forgotten and no matter how talented I was as an artist, no one understood me and I never sold my Art and it just hurts too much too live. I only believe in cats, dolphins, clouds and trees.
    I always try to stay one day longer incase something changes. I want to go home.

  27. i am sorry cutie pie i do really love you, but i want to be treated better.

  28. I know what a lot of you are going through and i have a story that might be able to help. I was going through constant (24/7) cycles of severe anxiety and depression. My body would just shake, not noticeable to others, only to myself. I could not go on i swear to you. Then one day out of no where the world just seemed to stand still, my mind shut off completely. I walked around my house that i have lived in my whole life only to find that i had never truly seen it. I was in a overwhelmingly powerful state of pure bliss and peace. This experience lasted about two days and then i went back into my regular cycles of anxiety and depression however with intervals of this peaceful state. I did some research to try and figure out what the fuck happened to me and found that i had a spiritual experience (awakening). The day after the experience my parents said they had this audio book it was called THE POWER OF NOW by Eckhart Tolle he is a spiritual teacher. I decided to give it a listen and i shit you not the book opens with him describing his spiritual experience. The enlightening thought that triggered his experience was, “I Can’t live with myself anymore”…..think about this I can;t live with myself….this indicates taht there is two of you the “I” and the “self”…i have good news for you only one is real. I recommend you all to take a moment to ask yourself who is the one thinking (the thinking voice) and who is the one listening. Hell is living with suffering/pain, heaven is living without. GOD is the conscious space that allows us to be.

  29. Ryan this one is for you. Keep living, I know how it is to lose a person after being in a long relationship. I would say about 5 years ago I had broken up with my fiance who I had previously known for 10 years. It destroyed me. She left me a final note, and it makes me cry to this day “babe if I don’t get to wake another day with you, then so be it. I will always love you deep inside. I need to move on we are getting nowhere in life” Devastating, I know. but please. all I can say is now, I am near over it. Loving another woman, going to try having kids soon. Just don’t do it, you NEVER know what’s around the corner.

    Please read this before you decide to make your final descent.

  30. I’m 12 and almost ready to end my worthless life. I wish that everyone that loves me would understand how i feel and just forget i even existed. its not loss of money or love that makes me want to rip my heart out… its myself… i dont blame anyone for how i look… i want to kill myself slowly and painfully, so if my sister sees me dieing, she might realize how she made my life a living hell… and a living heaven… i hope that everyone i know will forget me… please… help me…

  31. Life is cruel but try to make the best of it even if u cant

  32. you are all stupid. life is meant to be embraced. i have had a very VERY very hard life, worse than that on tv. your lives may be like this, but killing yourself?! thats just wrong. fight through it.

  33. Car would be to easy…a gun…its risky, due to the fact you could possibly miss and live without a face…cutting…youd have to go deep, and it would take a while, and you might change your mind lol….umm, i think the best and effective way…(and i know personally since ive had 2 friends do it and it worked)…just pop a bunch of percocet…and take two shots of vodka…perococets slow your heart rate…and taking a bunch of both of them…youll just fall asleep like a baby….you just stop breathing…its pretty sweet…try like…12..you should be good…

  34. Hey David,
    How would car work? I was thinking of car, but now they all come with those catalytic converters that wipe out 99% of the gas? It used to be popular, but it’s not as effective anymore.

    What the hell is a percocet?

  35. omg please e-mail me im here 2 talk to i know exactly or close enough to how u all feel i feel the same way im here to talk to or any of that just e-mail me!!! mkafan12@yahoo.com

  36. yikes car crash? you might actually survive the only way to die in a car accident is to ram it and totaly destroy ur car while in it. However that cutting ahh so painful but kind of relieveing lol. But hey im down to get fucked up n startd poppin them pills, wit u….But not the car cuz if we survive lol I dont want to be known for being a drunk driver n get my L’S taken away, however fuck it dude! Were all going to die soon so ill see u soon, cuz fuck this life and the bullshit in it!! but hey let me know when ur gna do it just so i can know

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