I think she was from a different country hence the slight grammar errors but I don’t believe that’s a good way to encourage someone who’s going through a hard time..We’re all going through struggles right?

Anyway, to the author, I hope you’re doing better now. I know that a lot of times, it’s hard to be doing what you’re expected to do but if you learn to really enjoy the things, it might help you.
I’m in a similar situation and I wanted to tell you that no matter how much I’m being pushed, I relieve my stress other ways. many times, I do have thoughts about suicide but in the end I return to just banging on my drums or strumming my guitar.
I hope you can find the same comfort in maybe dancing or baking or playing the piano.
If everything’s really tough for you to handle, don’t be scared to tell your parents. At firs,t I was scared too but when I told them that I was overwhelmed and that I wanted them to think of me first before what they want me to be. It got through to them after a couple times and now, I do what I enjoy.

I hope this helped.
If you need to talk email me.
Let’s keep pushing for a brighter day.

It can be hard to not blame yourself for the bad things that happen to the people we care about. I had a friend who died in Iraq and I feel that his parents hold a grudge against themselves for what he did even though he was doing something he believed in and wanted to. When I signed up to join the armed forces his mom begged and pleaded with me no to go in even though before the death of her son she would have supported me whole heartedly. No one can predict these bad things that happen. You could have just as easily saved their lives by having them avoid something that would have happened to them unfortunately it didn’t work out this way, and I am very sorry for your loss. Life is too unpredictable to hold yourself accountable for such things. I’m sure your friends wouldn’t hold it against you.

I can relate to the perfection part. I have my parents and grandparents so far up my ass I can taste them, which is particularly gross for the grandparents part, and they push me further than I can take. I’ve always done the right thing, never drank did drugs, did a ton of volunteer work, helped coach youth soccer, played several sports in high school, got great grades, got high SAT scores and got accepted into one of the best private universities in the country and I still felt like all I was doing was barely keeping myself afloat in their eyes. That pressure, that impending sense of doom they inflict on me is always there. I never had any room to be me. There are a lot of things I wanted to do and try out before I went into college and never got the chance and now I doubt I ever will. Joining the military was one. Not only this but they guilt me to no end. Now I find myself lost and don’t know who I am and cannot figure out what I want in this world. I’ve tried drugs and other non productive ways to deal with this. I’ve tried to kill myself on multiple occasions, the first of which was when I was eight. I pretty certain I am bipolar, schitzophrenic and have an anxiety problem but every time I try and discuss this with any of them it falls on deaf ears. They think I’m fine because when I’m depressed I bottle it up inside since I’m too ashamed to show them any weakness so they assume I’m doing good. I’m doing anything but good right now. I always feel like something is coming to get me, something worse than death is looming and is stalking me this instant watching me even now. I tell them this and they think I’m making it up? Who makes up crazy shit like this, who would want to admit to being obsessively paranoid and scared shitless of something that they know doesn’t exist? I am petrified of dark places and even sometimes will run to turn on the bathroom lights… just in case. It’s ridiculous, especially because I realize how dumb the concept of a boogy man in my bathroom is. I don’t know if I waited too long to tell them but they tell me it will get better I just have to keep going.

I can also relate to your experiences in dating. My first serious girlfriend had a lot of insecurity issues around me. She was so wonderful, outgoing and everything but she would become so controlling and keep tabs on me to make sure I was being faithful. After years of being faithful, though we did have a few breaks, it didn’t let up. Eventually I had to end it. My next girlfriend constantly told me she couldn’t understand why I was dating her. That I was too beautiful for her(I’m definitely not a beautiful man though I wish I was), too smart etc. I don’t know if she was trying to build me up but it always hurt me too hear these things. When you really love someone it hurts to hear them degrade themselves like that. It’s like I don’t have control over who I date and that it is governed by some rule set that I don’t know about that delegates I have to date someone with specified beauty, humor, intelligence etc. Quite frankly I don’t give a shit if I can talk about modern physic’s concepts with my girlfriend. She was so pretty, sweeter than pie, had a degree in psychology, I would have the best times with her and laugh nonstop, and I never felt like anyone understood me like her. And it was ruined because she would turn into an emotional wreck because of her being insecure. We recently broke up and it still hurts a lot because I thought this person was so special that she could save me from myself. I guess the only one who can do that is me and I honestly don’t think I stand too good of chance, especially seeing as I’m on the suicideproject. It’s funny how people who want to kill themselves will try to talk others out of it. I think we care more about others and their plight than we do our own. Maybe it’s an exaggerated sense of empathy that stems from how we feel about ourselves. For me I would like to help someone before I go and you seem like someone I can relate too and who has suffered a lot and maybe if you distance yourself from your parents and find some people that understand you, maybe a psychiatrist that you could get through this. Good luck to you in whatever direction the current of life sweeps you in as these are indeed difficult seas and the choice to stay afloat is not always ours, though sometimes it is.

So firstly, stop lying to yourself, come clean with the real problems in your life and work on them. Life is tough, it always has been and always will be. You can be strong enough to conquer it.

Up to my twenty’s I also was the “perfect guy”, and got fed up of perfection, fed up of always being pushed for more, but never compensated for it. Working out to have more workout to do, that’s enslavement. I know pretty well of what you talk about.

Many girls want me, but they are losers. And many guys want you, but they are losers.

Even the loser in the end doesn’t want you, because he knows he can’t keep up with you. That’s reality. I lost my loser a little more than a year ago.

I tried to stay alone, and alone I found a new world that was closed to me since my childhood. A world of concentration, spirituality, of great things that losers don’t even imagine, can exist.

You were a winner once, why not twice?

Why not to yourself? Why not to your personal greatness?

I’m also on the brink of life, but that is what takes to become great. People that don’t suffer, never progress, never understand. People that don’t suffer, are the common losers we find on the next corner.

Look for something greater than you, not money, nor power, but wisdom. What these lessons are teaching you? Are such persons, worth your person?

Have a nice day,
James