I won’t presume to know everything that your loved one was thinking or feeling before they committed suicide, but I would like to take a moment to try to explain a little bit of the logic behind suicide. Again, I’m no expert, only someone who has been wanting to die for more than 30 years.
I feel that people don’t understand what suicidal people are going through, and consider them selfish for doing it. I disagree.  WHY would you want your loved one to live, suffering each and every day??? It’s not about being selfish, it’s not even about NOT thinking of family and friends…it’s about STOPPING THE PAIN. Doing whatever it takes to MAKE IT STOP. You may say “get help!” or “just talk to someone” but that doesn’t always work! I have tried at least ten different types of meds, talked with many different professionals…nothing has worked. I, myself, am amazed that I’ve lasted this long. I suppose cowardice is the reason…and just another reason to hate myself. Can’t even kill myself right.
Damn. This wasn’t supposed to be like this. I honestly thought that I could be a voice for those who are no longer able to speak for themselves. Screwed this one up too.
Funny thing…you would never know I feel this way unless you were VERY close to me. I am quite the functioning being. I have a full time job in a financial institution, been in this line of work for about seven years now. I try new things just about every day, to try to survive. I have two grown daughters and one PERFECT grandson. I suppose they are why I’m still here. I think my husband would be better off…what a drag to deal with depression. I certainly would divorce myself if I could!!
I didn’t think I needed to vent…I thought I needed to help…apparently I was wrong. Thank you for listening. I don’t expect a comment…I’ve heard it all before. :/ But thank you and blessings to you all.
3 comments
hey.. i understand how u feel completely.. i wrote a blog here.. how do you know when enough is enough… i mean really how long can we hold on for? i’m nearing the end.. i can feel it.
im new here. i just posted a blog. i completely understand how u feel. i couldnt even kill myself without screwing it up 2!!! seems that everything i do i cant get it right. How long can we keep going through this??
Never been here before read what you wrote and was moved. I’m 23 thought about killing myself every single day since I was 15, its no 30 years and I honestly hurt for you. In the end you have to let yourself believe that its a possiblity that you deny. Courage, it would seem, is nothing less than the power to overcome danger, misfortune, fear, injustice, while continuing to affirm inwardly that life with all its sorrows is good; that everything is meaningful even if in a sense beyond our understanding; and that there is always tomorrow. I resite that 2-3 times a day that courage isnt killing yourself courage is living day to day not really knowing that yes life hurts and for some more than others but in the end you have to look to tomorrow. Realize that you’re here not for yourself but for your daughters, your husband, and for that perfect grandson of yours. Everytime you think about how much it hurts being here think about this how much it would hurt them not having you, thats how I get through my tough days. To put this all in context this is coming from a guy who at some point at least twice a week has a .45 to his head, then I stop and think about my mom, my sister, all my friends who would hurt and I take a deep breath put my gun away, square my shoulders and keep moving forward because in the end people like us arent here becasue we want to be we’re here because we mean something to someone else. Wish I could hug you right now and tell you I understand the pain becasue I do, all I can do is write this and hope that you get some semblance of knowing you’re not alone in this feeling that you are important and loved and that even though I don’t know you and I will never meet you I love you.