Existential crisis, or the story of my perpetual downfall.
April 25th, 2009 by YoorekI don’t know really why I’m writing this. Perhaps because I suffer so much in my loneliness and boredom, that I just have to do something, to write about what i feel, to make a confession, that will bring me at least temporary relief. I do realize that it’s absurd. Going through all this trouble to really express myself (in foreign language), just for couple of people, who will read this and write some comforting words, that I’ve heard countless times. And nobody in his right mind will be patient enough to read all my lengthy, incomprehesinble blather anyway. But since, from what I saw, there are other people who have written ludicrously long texts here, and some people have read them judging by the comments, I’ll give it a try. Though I still feel that I might set a new record of lenghtiness. So please, read this only if you are interested in the detailed account of a sad, and quite uniqe life, of a sad, and quite unique individual. If you’re just a suicidal person who reads stories on this site one after another, without a second of thought, just to mentally masturbate to it, or if you’re a shallow “do-gooder”, who can only spout banal, comforting phrases, please skip this one. This is only for people who, for some strange reason, are willing to take a few mintues out of their lives to read a detailed account of somebody else’s life.
English is not my first language, so forgive my mistakes that will inevitably follow.
Now, allow me to introduce myself. My name is Jurek (pronounciation -”yoorek”), and I am 18 years old boy from Poland. My father is a quite famous “economic expert” in Poland, and my mother works in a bank. So I’m from so called “good family”. However my parents were fighting and arguing all the time, and they were quite cold and distant towards me, and I became shy as a little kid. To make things worse, from a very start of school I was a fat nerd misfit, who was bullied basically all the time, and wherever he went. I became extremely introverted and sad. After some time, i changed, I remodeled myself, adapted to environment. I became chameleon. The old Jurek died, he HAD to die for me to survive. I became an actor. I mimicked other people to get accepted. It worked. I got some (few, but still) friends, and had some really wonderful moments that I spent with them. However I was never happy. All the time I felt stress, I had to play a certain role. And since there was no real “me” after the “death” of old Jurek, all those friendships were superficial. They liked me because they could do some fun things with me, but they never liked me as a person, since there was no “person”, it was just an act. So they were more like “fun buddies”, and not “friends”. And I never became entirely ”normal”, I always was an outsider, no matter how hard I tried, and had to suffer all the consequences of that. When I was a teenager, and I started to discover my sexuality, I suffered another blow. My sexuality is royally fucked up. To make a long story short – I’m basically asexual, and I have no desire (even If I would like to have a desire) to have sex, I cannot be aroused enough to do that, I’m impotent, I have a variety of strange fetishes and so on. And also to be able to have sex physically (forgeting all psychological impediments), I would have to undergo a operation of my John Thomas. You have no idea how fucking embarassing and humiliating is that. All those things at once.
So there I was. A constant actor with no “self”, with no real “me”, without, so to speak, basic necessities for life. Without family, since our relationships were very distant and cold, without friends that I could sincerely talk to, without sexual drive and desire to procreate (our only real “meaning of life”), and without some solid identity as a pillar. Lost inside my mind. “Who am I? Where is the line between real me and my persona? What do I want? Do I want this or this persona that I have created?”
So I was lost. I had no particular desire to live without these basics of life . I had no particular desire to die either. “Show must go on” by Queen was my anthem. I just got on with the program of a life of a teenager. I was a lonely island without identity, without roots, in a way without the past so also without the future, that couldn’t care less whether it lived or died.
But no! There was something that was giving me a sort of a meaning of life. My (fuck humility at this point) brilliance. Maybe it sounds prepostrous, but I am really a quite extraordinary guy. Ever since kindergarten I was impressing everyone with my intelligence and knowledge and it continued everywhere I went. I was way ahead of everybody else. I was reading philosophy and psychology, or Dostoyevski books when everybody else were reading Harry Potter. When they were watching James Bond, I was watching Bergman, Fellini and Kubrick. When they were listening to some rap shit, or whatever was popular at the time, i dabbled in all kinds of “ambitious music”. When they were learning how to write a decent story, I was writing poetry and essays with my deep thoughts about life and art. Ok, maybe I’m exaggerating a bit, but if i do, only a tiny bit. I really was all that. That also contributed to feeling of being different and alone. But it gave me this wonderful feeling – That I’m someone special. That my life HAS meaning. That, If I only try, I can be somebody. I can be a famous artist or philosopher. A Nietzsche’s “Overman”, a supreme Individualist. That I may be an inspiration to future genarations of independent thinkers and great artists. That I may bea legend…Of course, they were just delusions of grandeur. But those dreams kept me going. I was in a different world 90% of the time, dreaming about my successes and acomplishemnts, me changing the world with sheer power of my intelect. These were very detailed fantasies, believe me. But I never did anything with it, I did not try to pursue my dreams, and do something in real-life. Why? I don’t know. I didn’t have time, school,homeworks and extra-activities that my parents were forcing on me, were consuming most of my free time.
But after some time my life started collapsing. I started becoming really depressed. My dreams stopped being an effective cure. The gap between my dreams and reality was so huge, that when I was thinking about this I was becoming even more depressed. There was also this great irony - I wanted to become a supreme Individualist, but in my real life I did everything to be mediocre, to fit in the crowd, I was terrified of becoming too visible again, so people can point their fingers and laugh at me. So i became depressed. My grades plummeted. I stopped seeing my friends. Of course, they didn’t care. I just stopped being useful when I was depressed, so they dumped me. I was making up all possible excuses not to go to school, and the number of the days that I wasn’t present at school became so absurd that teachers started calling my parents about this. Then suddenly I broke down. I wasn’t able to go to school. I was so deeply depressed that I wasn’t able to do anything constructive. I had therapy with a psychologist, i took pills, but it didn’t help. I missed a year at school.
But this period of my life wasn’t entirely wasted. I had a time to think. I made a deep introspection, and learned a lot about myself. I was so thrilled about the fact that I had understood myself and my life, that I felt that feeling of power again. I overcame my depression. I thought that this is the beginning of my new life. I was free. Free from school, free from other people. I was a tabula rasa – a blank slate. Now my path to overman began, I thought. My plan was to somehow get rid of school. So I managed to convince my parents to give me a chance, that one chance of doing things MY way. I assured them that it’s going to work, with my intellect I can achieve many things, and school is only hindering my progress. Amazingly, I convinced them. I saw a chance in something that is called in Poland “Individual learning”. In it you have teachers coming to your home, and having lessons with you in private. And there are only 3,4 lessons a day, with bigger homework. It is hard to get something like that, and you have to have a damn good excuse for this. I managed to convince my psychologist to write a note to school, that I’m not yet ready for normal schooling, and “individual learning” is the best option now. It succeeded, but “individual schooling” was still too much for me, and I managed to do even more extraordinary feat. I managed to make such an impression on a principal of my school, one of the best schools in Poland, that he decided to let me go my way! In a country where there is a mandatory schooling, he basically agreed to cover me, to lie to ministry of education that I attend this school!!! I felt like I could conquer the world then. I started educating myself again, and having serious discussions (and sometimes even winning them!) with grown-up, educated people (colleauges of my father), and hearing what a wonderfully clever boy I am. Then I went from words to action. I started to realize different projects. And then I discovered how wrong I was about the blank slate. Because maybe I have mentally recovered, but my psyche was still damaged after depression. I had extreme mood swings. From ecstatic optimism to black despair. In the periods of ecstatic optimism I achieved successes, but when something started to go wrong, I encountered some difficult problem, or just mundane reality didn’t met my grand expectations, I was having anger fits, and I was destroying everything that I built, saying that I’ll never try again. Then I was doing it again, but it was always the same. Back and forth, back and forth. I wasted another year of school. I was now two years behind.
After another failed attempt, I sunk into the lowest dephts of depression. I was not able to do anything. I spent all days in my room, sleeping, eating and watching television. Usually I slept during the day, and been awake during the nights. Sitting in my dark room, listetning to depressing music, eating tons of unhealthy food (because of this I became horrendously overweight), watching TV and crying. I cried every day, every single day. And suddelny I stopped. My heart died. I never cried again. I never felt anything ever again. Complete apathy. With horrifying coldness, without any trace of emotions and with complete clarity, I decided what to do now. I decided to kill myself. Just like that, without any emotion, as a logical consequence of a fucked up life. So I burned all the bridges, and turned my life into a total ruin, so that killing myself would be inevitable. But I’m a coward. I’m horribly afraid of pain. So I didn’t choose any drastic, but quite sure, way of killing myself – I didn’t jump off the building, or threw myself under the train, or cut my veins. I didn’t even try hanging . I wanted my death to be a peaceful moment, where I slowly drift away with tears in my eyes, remembering my life. Or at least that was the excuse, because in reality I was horribly afraid of what could go wrong if, for example, I’ll jump off the building and survive, and I’ll become disabled, break my spine or someting. And I knew I wouldn’t be able to kill myself, with my own hands, feeling the pain of doing it. And there are very tight gun restrictions in Poland, you have to apply for licence and so on, and as a “child from good family” I didn’t have any criminal-friends who have access to illegal guns. So i started to search for an answer on the internet, and I found a polish site, kind of a suicide forum, where people were writing about why they want to commit suicide, and learning what methods are recommended, and even finding a partner to commit suicide. I met many people on this forum. Strange characters with whom I had strange relationships, and learned more about life than from reading all those books. I spent many hours with them, meeting in parks or other places, and talking about our lives. They taught me to smoke and drink alcohol and (very occasionally, but still) take drugs, something I never done before. I tried to get a gun illegally. To no avail. I started cutting myself. It was just a infantile attempt to shock and worry my family. Well, it worked, and I was submitted to psychiatric hospital for minors. Again, using my charisma and intelligence, I managed to convince everybody, that this is just a big misunderstanding, and I only need a psychiatric care. I was released after 3 days, even though I was supposed to be there for months. After my release, I think I have met every significant psychiatrist in Warsaw. Cream of the crop, my father could afford them. They gave me all kind of pills, and tried really hard to “cure me”. It was all useless. I was drinking, and smoking, and lying in bed all days long. I got sleeping pills from one of my contacts, and overdosed them, and mixed them with vodka. I slept really long, but I survived. After that, there was no discussion, I had to go to psychiatric hospital. Of course, it didn’t change anything, and right after I was released, I tried to overdose again and again it failed, and again I had a stint at the psychiatric hospital. After that I had my final, quite grotesque attempt. I tried to asphyxiate myself by filling plastic bag tightly tied over my head, with helium. If it sounds silly, you should know that this is, if properly done, almost a sure way. Advised in the infamous book “Final Exit”, about euthanasia, and the ways of killing yourself painlessely. It works. And it would probably work in my case also, but something got screwed up, I won’t go into detail. Anyway, I went back into my apathy state. Third year had passed, since i stopped going to school.
But something broke in me. I couldn’t go on like this any longer! I was able to put up with this horrible state of my life, only because I had death as a near prospect. I kept telling myself, that I’m going to find a way soon. But after this third attempt I realized that I’m not going to die in near future, and I should stop kidding myself. So I began reparing my life. And this is my present stage. I started going to the gym, and follow the diet, and I lost an extraordinary amount of weight in only couple of months. I went from being morbidly obese to being only slightly round. I started attending filmmaking class at my old school, and I’m doing my first practice movie, and I do some other things that take up my time, and give illusion that I’m making progress. At least my parents are happy. As much as I don’t like them, I know what they’ve neen through, and I feel quite sorry for them.
But inside I suffer as much as I was then, don’t be fooled. I hate life. I hate it with every breath that I take, every fucking minute of it. I regard myself as a failed experiment. A strange combination of someone who could conquer the world, with someone who is not able to live normally in a society. A mixture of a total winner with a total loser. Maybe at some point of my life I had a chance to become someone, but I blew it. And there is no turning back now. I’m a complete mental and psychological wreck. Totally wasted. During the time when I was lying in bed, drinking and smoking, going in and out of psychiatric hospitals, taking variety of pills etc, I completely deteriorated intelectually. My intellect is dead, I can’t use it. I tried, but everything is burned out. Nothing gives me pleasure anymore. Even simple pleasures like music or watching tv. And you know, maybe I could overcome this state, and live a “normal” life. But I don’t want to. Without my dreams, there is no me. And my dreams are impossible to realize now, most probably they were always beyond my grasp. Prospect of death is so tempting. Sweet nothingness. How could I resist it. That’s why I’m in the process of getting illegally a gun right now, with a couple of guys, and I can confidently say, with my experience, that probably it’s going to work out. And if it does – I’ll not hesitate a second. I don’t have anyone to live for, and even if I would, concept of living for others is absurd. I’m really sorry that my parents will be shattered, I am, but i will not suffer tortures of the damned, just so they will feel good. It is MY life, after all. It was short and stormy, but I’m glad I lived it. I liked being myself, even if I had to pay for it with suffering and sadness. I think I had quite a few moment that were really worth living. “All those moments will be lost, like tears in the rain”.
So there it is, my story, presented as briefly as I could. Sounds ironic, doesn’t it? I wonder how many people have finished it without getting frustrated by it’s length, or running away without even reading it. Probably a miniscule number of people. Oh, well. At least I spent all this time writing about my life, and not living it, which is much more difficult and hard to bear.
Processing your request, Please wait....
April 25th, 2009 at 10:23 pm
Hi Jurek. I just read your story. This is my first time on this web site. I was feeling depressed and went on the Internet then came across this site. Your story was the first one I saw, so I read it.
Strange as it may sound, I could really relate to much of what you’d said. (Your English is very good too, by the way. And your intellect is not so damaged as you believe. You’re a very talented writer. Seriously. I know because I’m a writer too.)
Anyway, I was bullied as a child and very severely. My family is extremely dysfunctional–serious mental illnesses and financial problems. I’m suffering financially a great deal right now and thinking about suicide to escape as I have many debts… But that’s just my story.
I think a lot of people who are highly intelligent, gifted people feel different–because they are different. I hope that you don’t kill yourself though because I think you have a lot to offer others who are feeling just like you. There are so many of us out there–we feel alone, different, marginalized, not listened to. I myself get bullied a lot. I was bullied terribly as a child and am now bullied as an adult. I was bullied by coworkers in jobs and ended up quitting jobs over it (part of the reason I’m so poor now.)
Anyway, my point is that sometimes we can take our suffering and turn it into art that can help others who are going through something similar. You mentioned filmmaking. I too am making films! Because of my money problems, I’ve gone out and interviewed poor people and have made films about them, their stories, their suffering. Have you thought about making films about your suicidal thoughts or about your pain? Or perhaps just writing about it? I’m not trying to tell you what to do or sound preachy but I just find that communicating with others, as I’m doing right now with you, really helps me to feel better. I was feeling so sad and lonely just now but reading your story and now writing to you is taking my mind off of my own problems. Do you know what I mean?
I was thinking about making a film about shyness or social anxiety because that is one of my problems. But right now I have several hours of interviews I’d conducted with perfect strangers I’d met on the street who talked to me about their lives. Sometimes when I feel sad I look at the films I’ve made and feel a sense of accomplishment.
Anyway, it’s just a thought. I really hope you stay alive–maybe make some films about your life. I think you have a lot to offer the world. And your intellect is not dead. It has just changed and probably in some good ways you haven’t thought of.
BTW, have you heard of Francois Truffault? He was a French filmmaker. He too was very unhappy and he made films about a boy who grew up unhappy. That is, his life experiences became the subject of his films.
April 25th, 2009 at 10:24 pm
Well, I can see meaningless words of compassion will probably have no affect on you so I won’t bother. I have to say though, your intellect is quite evident in your writing and really something to be proud of. It took me off guard to be honest with you and you speak the English language better than most of the people I know. I just wanted to let you know I read it and I don’t feel I wasted my time. I learned about an insightful man that lost his dream but is still here dealing with this shitty world. I admire you for that. I honestly do. I’d love to talk with you but I have a feeling you will not be visiting this site again nor want to have a conversation. But just incase here’s my email: harber_a@yahoo.com
Best of luck with the rest of your life.
April 25th, 2009 at 11:32 pm
I read through the whole thing too. It’s an interesting read, of course, I actually hate reading, so it took me a while to get through the whole thing. I did though, because it’s interesting.
In so many ways I feel like I’m just like you, of course with some differences. At the core level though, I’m very apathetic towards everything, (not to be vain), but I’m street smart and very manipulative, and we’re just broken on the inside.
I know that there are no words that can comfort a dead heart. Once something dies, it can’t be brought to life again. I used cutting as a way to get out of the apathetic state. That “blank” state is the worst. No feelings of sadness, happiness, just a bunch of nothingness. At that point, I felt no pain though.
Just wanted to say you have a pretty amazing story. and from one suicidal dude to the next, i hope you end up in peace, or find a little.
<3MisterRiddler
April 26th, 2009 at 12:09 am
Hey Jurek,
What an insightful blog Jurek!!! You sound frighteningly intelligent!!! Highly intelligent or creative individuals nearly always feel like misfits and outsiders cuz they see the world in a way that your average person is unable too!!! I mean your average person is an unthinking conformist and member of the herd!!! The don’t really question anything or think too deeply cuz they may find everything they have been bought up to believe is bullshit… like religious faith!!! And that is way too much for the average humans narrow little mind to cope with!!! Reading your blog I can say your intellect sounds very intact honey… scarred but otherwise intact!!! Suiciding now would be such a waste of a brilliant mind… I mean many geniuses were tortured people who still gave humanity wonderful and precious things!!! O_o
And you sound like a nice person underneath all those masks you wear, maybe if you showed your trueself you would find some like minded friends who will care for and support you as you… at least give it a try!!! Life is painful and full of hardships but I am sure you are able to cope with them… I’m not saying don’t suicide but please try to stay alive for as long as you possibly can!!! Fight your apathy cuz you may just find inner resources you never even knew you had!!! Submerse yourself in your favorite music and art and literature and film and philosophy and all the things that give you as sense of meaning!!! You have more promise than I ever had and it would be a terrible shame to see you die soo young!!! Cya Jurek… whatever you choose to do you are an uncommonly smart person!!! ^_^
P.S, Your english is better than most people whose only language is english… LOL!!!
REGARDS.
April 26th, 2009 at 12:19 am
P.S, I mean an uncommonly gifted person!!!
April 26th, 2009 at 12:42 am
hi Jurek. i read your story & i hope you’r still around to read this comment. i’m not exactly suicidal but i think about it a lot most days. i’m terrified of pain too (yet, i’m a cutter. i’m not sure how that makes sense…but then again, since when did anything in life make sense?). i really enjoyed reading you story because, for one, you english is impecable & the way you write is beautiful. i also enjoyed it because from the first paragraph, i thought “this guy is real.” you dont come by very many real people these days (especially if you live in america, like I do). sorry to be talking about myself so much. that’s not the point of my comment. as soon as you read the next few sentences, you’ll probably write me off as some stupid christian chick who doesnt know shit about life. and if you do, i can understand that. but when i read about how you tried to kill yourself multiple times, it struck me that maybe you ARE supposed to live. someone with your intelect and ability to think on his feet is such a contribution to this fucked up world. i’m sorry if that sounds sugar-coated and false. i rarely trust compliments anymore so i understand if you dont either.
even if you dont believe you’re supposed to live, i would be grateful if you gave this notion a thought: if you get a hold of that gun, before you or someone else pulls the trigger, pray. for one, what’s the worst it’ll do? i believe in heaven and hell. i believe that God will make all our lives good but i believe he feels our pain. that may sound like complete shit to you but if it does, please dont write me off just yet.
i just hope that you end up in the right place-which is heaven. a guy with such a painful life doesnt deserve more pain after life.
absolutely sincerely,
jessica
April 26th, 2009 at 12:45 am
ps, my email is chicagogirl11@hotmail.com
April 26th, 2009 at 12:55 pm
Jurek,
I am fifteen-years-old and have related to a bit of what you have written. For one, I’d like to note that you’re a very intelligent human, and your ability to express your thoughts through words is amazing in comparison to almost anyone I’ve read through.
I write, too, and have always been driven to be an intelligent, well-educated person. I think I can relate to your feeling of alienation from those around you; you are completely aware of what a gifted, astonishing person you are, but that nevertheless doesn’t make you feel as though you fit in. I get it.
Furthermore, I think you should continue on your life and fight the depression you’ve been having problems with. It’s people like you who survive and make the world a better place. Perhaps you will someday work to influence other people who suffer with depression. I do believe that everyone has a purpose, and that people who are as intelligent as you deserve to live to their fullest potential.
I know that those “comforting words” we all wish to give are no help. I’ve received them, too, and it only makes me feel more hopeless and misunderstood, as it is not easy to accept that “things will one day get better” and whatnot. Religion or no religion, faith or no faith, I hope you continue your life and will one day experience the happiness you deserve.
Much love,
Seoul.
April 27th, 2009 at 3:31 am
Hi Jurek~
I believe many us who feel suicidal and wallow in our self pity are often people who grew up in a family of alcoholics or addicts, or maybe you are one. We may be just born that way. I am going to Alcoholics Anonymous and Alanon. I have found people who think like me. People who feel like outsiders like me. People who feel superior with an inferiority complex! The best part is I have found tools to help me live and deal with life and people. I actually get to experience some joy in life. Give it a try. I go to meetings and talk to people and get phone numbers. There is a website to find out more and where meetings are. Just a suggestion. Glad I got to read some of your thoughts.
Peace be with you,
~Anneliese
April 27th, 2009 at 11:35 pm
Jurek
I myself am sixteen years old and considering suicide. After reading your story, i now realize how good i have it. Still, i consider killing myself daily. the stress of school and the fakeness of everyone around me brings me to a point of despair i cant describe. after i began doing drugs and drinking a few months ago, my “good” group of friends abandoned me. after making up with them (and giving up smoking weed, which i loved), i began to realize how boring they were. i superficially keep up a happy face and lie to them constantly (i’ve taken up weed again). also, the friends i enjoyed partying with abandoned me after i had my license taken up, at the result of a dui. your story was amazing and i believe you have way too much intellect to give to the world to just take your life. this probaly doesnt mean much coming from a spoiled american teenager, but i still wanted to let you know my feelings and how i feel about your suicide. i seriously hope you live to win the next nobel prize, or rule the world, or something more amazing that i know you are capable of achieving
<3 your buddy,
Leo
April 28th, 2009 at 9:45 pm
I won’t pile a bunch of mushy, uneffective words of encouragement on you my friend. I did indeed read your entire post, and I want you to look into something. It’s called Borderline Personality Disorder. Reading your blog took me on a journey of rememberance into my own past. I’ve been in many of the same situations (and felt many of the same emotions) that you’ve described. I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder about 2 years ago. I was extremely resentful at first; I couldn’t stand being thrown into some “stereotype” of a diagnosis with other people. My problems were unique and I just knew no one would ever feel like I did. It wasn’t until my overdose (if you want, the post “Beginning of the End or End of the Beginning?” will tell you about it) that I began taking the diagnosis into consideration. I’m a deep thinker like yourself, so I wasn’t going to allow anyone to put something on me that I didn’t see fit. But the more research I did, the more I realized that most of those symptoms apply to my everyday life. I’m no doctor or anything like it, just a fellow sufferer, but I thought it might be worth looking into. If you would like to talk more, my email is mla_731@yahoo.com. I wish the best of luck to you.
August 24th, 2009 at 9:49 am
You are looking at world all wrong. Nietzsche was wrong. There is no such thing as the total individual. No man is an island. We are a social species. Only collectively can we create and experience meaning and purpose.
Jung believed that to be happy and productive we must balance our individuality with the world around us. An individual who is so independant, he has no connection with the world can have no effect upon it. Similarly, an individual who has no individuality (i.e fake) can only be an effect and not a independant cause. Great artists, philosophers, writers – they connect with the world and its people and yet maintain thier individuality – that is what makes them great. Even Neitzsche, the great individualist connected with his readers and with you.
You need to express your individuality but also learn to connect with others socially. You need to learn to find a balance between the two extremes. There are probably lots of people who would enjoy you for you are. I certaintly would. You just haven’t found the right people and the riht mode of expression for your individuality.
In analytical psychology, Jung regards mental illness and existential crisis as a form of growth and transformation towards a greater level of consciousness – it is not the end. Quite the opposite. It is a necessary path in your psyches desire to develop, individuate and become a greater human being – to achieve balance and wholeness in your personality. Please do not let your suicidal feelings end the process abruptly.
You need to find your mode of existence. Why not read Jung?
May 7th, 2010 at 1:57 pm
I came across this by chance. As with many of the other people who have written before me, some of what you’ve expressed here are like an echo my own feelings. But it makes me want to cover my face in despair and indeed I did as I read your account. I am mediocre in my exploits and intellectual I am not, but ever since young, when I showed the most promise, I have held the same dreams of greatness. And yet, I am such a coward. I cannot claim to have been through the cruellest bullying or deprivation. Sure, I have my troubles, but then so has everyone. I have no right to complain.
Nevertheless, I find myself looking up suicide methods that I will probably never try, sleeping all day and staying awake all night, blankly doing nothing, seeing people I know succeed at life whilst I fritter it away, languishing in my stagnancy and self-induced ineptitude.
Then, I come across this. Written a year ago by a person of my age with striking shrewdness. All of my feelings, here for me to see, only expressed more astutely than I could ever hope to do. There’s that quote from Blade Runner – how many times have I thought of that very same thing? How many times! And to think that you may not be here anymore fills me with shame. Jurek, if you haven’t made your big exit, you have so much to offer. No-one can be who they were in the past, which is why it’s futile to try to return to it. You are who you are now; with death comes growth.
Yes, I am frustrated! By your own cowardice. Why give up on dreams so easily? Why give up on yourself when there is so much time, so much that can happen, so much that you can do and be? You only lose out on your chance to be someone when you just give up and stop trying. There is no total winner there, just total loser.
Did it ever occur to you that writing this could change someone’s life? Thank you Jurek.
June 21st, 2010 at 3:30 pm
I think that you’re a lot smarter now than you believe you are.
Also, I just wanted to say thanks for taking the time to write out the story of your life, because, for some strange reason, it helps me. I guess it’s helping me realize that there are more people out there that are like me; at least, in their emotional state.
Although I’m thinking that you won’t ever read this by the time I post it, I just want to say that you’re not alone, and that you really do have something to offer–even if it’s simple.
You. Your story.
A lot of us on here just want to read other people’s stories, for some reason. I guess, like I said before, that it helps us realize that there are more people like us.
It helps us feel less alone.
So, again, thanks, and hope you can find a way to be happy.
Whether by killing yourself or making a full recovery.
July 15th, 2011 at 5:45 pm
Hi Jurek,
I have been through a very similar experience, but I am happy to say that I am no longer taunted by the fortune in a fortune cookie in a friend’s nightmare that my friend told me I had signed: “You don’t learn how to live until you are about to die.” If you are still looking to talk to someone, I hope that I can be of some help. You can contact me at frodo2frodo@yahoo.com. Take care.