HELP!!!
April 24th, 2009 by kayla450My name is Kayla and im 16 years old….All my life i have gotten nothing but made fun of and humiliated. I feel like nothing matters anymore and i just want to die, i’m tired of feeling nothing but pain…its like im being tortured everyday just by being alive. No one cares about me and the one i loved isnt even here anymore. I had a boyfriend who i loved more then anything else in the world and i turned my back on my whole life just for him. Everyone i had close i pushed away just to have him. I never did anything to him but try to love him and be there for him…I sacrificed everything for him!! Then on march 5 at 2 am he got really drunk, and walked 3 miles to my house with a 22 caliber pistol…He tried to kill me…and..He shot three shots into my house and one into the back of his head….I’ve only been alive 16 years yet ive been beaten by every boyfriend ive had, raped 3 times, had a gun held up to my held 4 times and shot at 2 times. My boyfriend that shot himself held me down one night and cut my leg so deep and long that i needed 16 stiches….I dont know what to do anymore, all my life ive just tried to make people happy and help people and yet this is all happening to me….even right now my boyfriend doesnt seem to care about me at all….Im trying to love him and its just like i cant. I dont know whats wrong with me….The doctors and my parents keep shoving pills down my throat thinking it will actually help me but in all actuality….it doesnt…its making everything worse…This isnt a cry for attention but its a cry for help. all i need is someone who will actually listen and will actually care. I dont want to be here anymore i want to be with him….
A poem i wrote just recently….:
Broken Wings
Silent screams, broken wings, shattered dreams. no one is left, i feel so empty, never to be set free.
All alone, no one is here, no one for me to tell all my fears.
Everyone is gone, nobody has noticed, in a vast of nothingness, never to be missed.
Never to be loved, never to be liked, all i feel is emptiness inside.
The zigzag motion leaves a trail behind,
the red flowing from my wrist, as i feel death’s wonderful, blissful kiss.-
——————————————————————————-
I cut myself everday, almost every part of me is covered in scars. I want to die, just to die…I dont care if it is peaceful or violent i just dont want to be here anymore…some one please just kill me…I GIVE UP THERE IS NO POINT IN BEING HERE ANYMORE!!! NO ONE GIVES A FLYING FUCK AND EVERYTHING IS MY FAULT. HES GONE BECAUSE OF ME!!!!!!
Processing your request, Please wait....
April 24th, 2009 at 6:55 pm
What I don’t understand is why you say your boyfriend killed himself because of you. Nobody deserves to be beaten by their boyfriend, and I don’t know why girls stay with guys that hit them.
It seems to me that you like the feeling of being loved, and now that the love is gone, you are suicidal. I’m the same way, except I hardly cut myself. Actually being hurt by girls is what led me to this website.
I would like to talk to you, share what our thoughts are, it may help. I feel the same way as you, except just not as severe. If you would like to talk my e-mail is: “ma032393@yahoo.com” and my AIM is “madmaxzy15″.
April 25th, 2009 at 12:28 am
WOW!! Sorry, but all that has happened to you? Um……..I’d be willing to listen. Probably not right now, like at this moment. Because I’m not feeling feel right now. I think I’m coming down with a cold. Anyway, I know how you feel. I’ve been abused, neglected, raped, ect. I feel the SAME way you do.
E-mail: hannahwaldron25@yahoo.com
Note: If you’d like to talk, there’s my e-mail. If I don’t answer right away, I’m either in school or not on the computer. So don’t fret if I don’t answer for a while.
April 25th, 2009 at 5:02 am
I agree with Madmax, no one deserves to be beaten, especially by their significant other. My ex-girlfriend of three and a half years had been raped and beaten by all her previous boyfriends, there is no reason for that. It’s not your fault what happened, he obviously had issues in his own right, but what happened was NOT your fault. Please don’t hurt yourself, there are a lot of us who understand what you’re going through and feelings you feel, but it WILL work out, it WILL get better. You say you turned your back on everyone, but I bet some will always be willing to be there for you, I know I’ve found friends in people I thought had given up on me. I’m here for you as are others, I’m sure. If you need to talk: gaerwell@gmail.com. We’re all in this with you, let us help.
April 25th, 2009 at 10:43 pm
Kayla, I agree with others who’ve posted–please don’t EVER blame yourself for something someone else chooses to do. You are only responsible for your own actions, not someone else’s.
You mentioned that you sacrificed everything for him and that you turned your back on your whole life just for him. May I ask why? Do you think you need to give up your life just to have a boyfriend? Have you tried just being without a boyfriend for a while and just spending some time filling your life up with things you love, just nurturing yourself? I don’t want to sound like I have all the answers but I know how we women are taught to be self-sacrificing for our men. I’ve gotten infatuated with guys and forgotten about everything else, so I know the feeling. But sometimes it’s good to be without a guy for a while and just spend some time showing ourselves some love.
My family is very dysfunctional–i.e., crazy, and so I tend to attract crazy people to me. Sometimes I think it’s because I’m too tolerant, i.e., a guy will be mean to me and I don’t recognize that as abnormal because I’m so used to people being mean to me. Now when people are mean to me I try to recognize it and separate myself from them. I don’t need to put up with abuse from someone else just so that I can be with someone else. I can be alone. I don’t like being alone and would rather have a relationship, but I can be alone. And being alone is much better than being with someone who just abuses you…
April 26th, 2009 at 2:21 am
seriously hon , dont kill yourself,
i go through this on a daily basis everyday since i was like 8 and now im your age,
( cutting ,thoughts of suicide , no one knows whats going on etc. )
but ive just tried saying in my head it can get better in the future just wait a little longer,
youll see things will weigh down eventually and youll find your real reason to be here, just wait a while please.
if youve made it this far , you know you can make it way further .
your strong,
keep going
(:
May 19th, 2009 at 10:48 pm
Ex girlfriends are nothing but drama