no more chances
May 31st, 2009 by lost hope
I have been reading some of the stories which describe such deep pain that I wish I didn’t feel. I am tired of feeling. I am tired of being an outcast and a victim. My mother and my father sexually abused me as a child. However, they always appeared as the “good” churchgoing couple for the last 30 years plus. How do some people live a life of hypocrisy and crime, get away with it and even prosper? I didn’t remember the abuse until years later. Although, through the years there were hints, signs and flashes until it finally came together and I chose to deal with the past abuse and accept it. However, when does being a victim and outcast end?
I was always considered attractive, even beautiful by some, until the last 2 years when injury and then age has left some unsightly scars. I was married for 7 years to a less than supportive husband. I left him because I believed I deserved better and I wanted to make myself better a person. I went back to school and then met someone worse but, I didn’t see him coming. I was always so trusting. He is a monster and finally out if my life. I want to cry just thinking about it. I was still young and so naive. I could only see the “good” in him as well as others and I never thought I was good enough. Now I know I am good enough but, now people look at me and then they look away.
I am so lonely. I tried so hard to understand. At work I run the #1 office consistently for six years and yet my boss, as well as others, at every opportunity undermine me and treat me unfairly. I promise you it is not my imagination. My boss even said to me it may “appear” that you are being treated unfairly. Why would a company treat their #! sales person with such disrespect? What is it about me that people hate and that I need to change? I have tried to change and fight back but it does not do any good.
When I smile at people they look the other way or they smile and then stab me in the back. I wish I could find a place where I fit in. I just want some friends and someone to love. I am tired of hoping that things will be better. It never does, it only get worse. I wish I could say. “Thank you for getting me through that, thank you for some peace, I feel good”. Now, when I get through a crisis I simply ask, “What’s next?’
The saying is that “Life Happens, good and bad”. I believe that to be true. There are accidents, heart attacks and cancer, these things happen but, I also believe that people do intentional things that make life happen worse.