Such a short sentence, such a powerful force in the life of a small child.

Parents are like gods: All-knowing, all-seeing, all-powerful. Their influence is immeasurable; they are like the sun and the rain – their presence makes us grow; their absence stunts us as surely as a sunless, waterless plant shrivels and dies.

We’re taught, in this culture, not to ‘play the victim’. We’re also taught not to question authority; to shut up and take it; to ‘suck it up’.

Your parents were kind; they didn’t beat you, they fed you and sheltered you, maybe sent you to a good school.

And yet, like that banquet you describe where every bite turned to sand, their presence was – an absence. A hole. A lack. A nothing where a ‘something’ should have been. Instead of a real, genuine, connected relationship (which is the source of all true joy), you had, instead, people who tried, but whose hearts weren’t in it.

“No crippling emotional pain.” Really? Truly? Anyone who can write a sentence like the one about the banquet is suffering some amazing pain. It’s just that you’ve cut yourself off from it, because it’s too much to bear. We’re not meant to carry that kind of pain alone and unsupported – we’re meant to be surrounded by people who care, who _notice_ when we’re hurting, who reach out to us to hug and comfort and hold us when we’re struggling and scared. People who leave us alone with our pain are – sorry – cruel. They may not know it, because _their_ parents did the same thing, and we’re part of a culture that believes in that sh*t.

But it’s cruel, nonetheless.

You’re really smart, and you need to connect with someone who’s equally smart, someone who really ‘gets’ you. I don’t know the answers for finding this person or people (otherwise I wouldn’t be here myself), but I know that relationships are the answer. Without them, nothing else has any meaning. True, they aren’t _everything_ – even if we find the ‘right’ relationship, or friendship, we’ll still need jobs and other things to make life meaningful.

But the human connection is the root of it. And it’s hard in this consumer-driven, competitive culture to find people who are willing to put in the effort. Hyper-individualism may be the death of us all.

Anyway. You are not single-handedly responsible for who you are and how your life is shaped – you’re part of a culture, a family, a community of people who shape you and who you shape in return. So if you’re feeling messed up, it’s not just about you – it’s that your _environment_ is not giving you what you need to thrive and be happy. I make this point to maybe suggest that you’re not to _blame_ for how you’re feeling. It’s not something wrong with you. It’s normal for an intelligent, sensitive, full-of-life person to feel unsatisfied by the mental and emotional junk food that passes for culture in our country.

I think you have to trust your instincts and cast off any and all people who seem to keep you down, who don’t add color and light and life to your world. A line from a poem a friend once sent said, “The only one you can save is yourself.”

This is really true. Your ‘friend’ who wants you to commit suicide together isn’t really hearing or seeing you – he’s only seeing his own pain. He’s not in it for you. And neither are most people. Finding a true connection is the rarest thing on earth, something to be infinitely cherished. Meantime, we just have to do the best we can, reach out often, touch and be touched. Ask for help when you need it, like you’re doing by writing here. Cry out when you’re in pain – true friends will answer with a hug and a word of encouragement, an offer to help you out. Use your emotions to sort the wheat from the chaff in your life. Your feelings are your compass. Without them you are stranded in an emotional desert.

That, unfortunately, is the ‘gift’ your parents gave you – disconnection from the most powerful tools we have to keep us connected in life. You have to learn how to re-connect with that guiding force.