My thoughts of suicide started when I was 13 years old.
 I made a friend through a connection with another friend, and she was awesome (at first). I found out a month into our friendship that she did drugs. I encouraged her to stop, but since she was 5 years older than me she was too self- absorbed to listen. So, one night she slept over my house, and curiosity got the best of me, and I tried the drugs. It was… wonderful, to say the least. So more ‘sleepovers’ were planned afterwards. If I can recall correctly, it was about the third time she slept over that I noticed she didn’t take any drugs while I was having a plentiful amount. She was even helping me take more, more than I usually took. I thought nothing of it.
The next morning, I woke up and I was completely naked. I also had bruises and abrasions all over my body. I was horrified, knowing that I went to sleep with my clothes on. I also had horrible repercussions. I got so sick from the amount of drugs I took I started throwing up blood. Her reply to all of this? “Well, you can’t go to the hospital, because they’ll trace the drugs in your system”. Helpful fucking advice.
This routine of molestation and drug abuse continued for over 9 months. During that time she took an interest in my brother. They became a couple (against my parents orders) and my brother would yell at me and break things when I protested her coming over. He even hit me once. I became so full of anxiety and depressed I actually asked my parents to put me in a mental institution. They laughed. I continued seeing her against my will, and thus began my self hatred. I could have not taken the drugs and let her do those things to me, but I was an addict by now and didn’t care about the reprecussions until afterwards.
One day, when I finally had enough, I told her I didn’t want to be friends anymore. She threatened to commit suicide. My brother yelled and hit me. My brother knew what she did to me, because the girl couldn’t keep her mouth shut about anything, and because he didn’t care. When I was finally able to break off the relationship, I was 14, drug addicted, and suffering from severe depression.
I’m 15 now, 4 months since I last saw her. My brother still talks to her frequently, and I think they’re still together. I hate myself for letting me be the victim of this whole situation. I have so much repressed hate some days I feel like stabbing my chest to release the ache. Frankly, I don’t blame anyone except for myself.
Sincerely
Cassidy
P.S. Thank you for your comment Jon
4 comments
Cassidy, there are resources that will help addicts. I unfortuntely don’t know any but someone here will know. Don’t hate yourself, you don’t have any support, and I am awed that you have made it this far. Is there are nice school nurse around? Can you trust her? Is there anyone who would listen to you that you haven’t thought of yet? It’s not too late to get help. Tell someone who’s trust worthy, it will help. No one to blame except for the people that harmed you. I mean under the influence, your decisions are way off from what you would usually choose to do. If you need to hate soemthing, hate the girl and your abusive, controlling, self centered, horrible brother.
oh and the girl won’t commit suicide, sounds like an empty threat…unless she is mental and she does. If she does it’s not your fault. She just did it becuase she didn’t get what she wanted, which is a huge scar to people who are suicidal for a reason. She is a huge part of why people usually don’t like suicidal people. Most suicidal people aren’t selfish, it’s just that the pain is too much to bear. This girl, she is a brat who has no right to use suicide as a weapon to abuse you.
Cassidy, I would strongly endorse Aleshya’s suggestions. You are not actively taking drugs anymore, but you are still suffering from the aftermath.
I would recommend finding a drug recovery group online, because even after dumping the drugs, and the “friend” who pushed them, you are still processing the whole painful experience.
A drug recovery support group, either in your geographic area or online, might be a big help.
You may also wish to seek out a counselor or a therapist to help you recover from your brother’s selfish and cruel behavior. It is quite natural that you are extremely angry with him.
You have a strong character and a strong will to have given up the drugs, and stood your ground against your brother.
Bear in mind that his girl “friend” is eventually likely to harm him in some way, just as she harmed you.
Do your best to focus on your own life — your schoolwork, your grades, positive activities, new and trustworthy friends — and think about what you want to do when you turn 18, and hopefully, leave your home for a college or apartment of your own.
Many blessings for a good recovery and a happier life.
Cordially,
Struggling to Survive (been there)
Can you contact me Cassidy?
I’d understand if you wouldn’t want to, but I think it might be easier.
jon_vickers_@hotmail.com is my email.
Hope to hear from you.
Jon