I don’t belong in this world

July 28th, 2009by qwertyuiop

That is how I feel.  I can’t believe I’m actually at a site like this but it’s getting worse.  I’ve long felt I was depressed (my entire life), but this is the first time I’ve actually called it quits.  I love life and the experiences of living, I just hate my own life and would wish it upon nobody.  I think the only reason why I haven’t succeeded in killing myself is because of one relative in my life.  I have to outlive them.  But once they go, my expiration will be soon after.  Probably the same day.

There is absolutely nothing wrong in my life with the exception that I don’t fit in.. anywhere.  I try to be social, I try to meet new people, but it always fails.  I feel God put a curse on me.  There’s only so many times where you can tell yourself “it’s not you, it’s them”.  I’m long beyond that point.

If you knew all about me you’d probably tell me to shut up my life is fine and wonder what my problem is – and I completely agree with you. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.  I think I’m a pretty regular guy.  I’m in good shape, attractive, I make good money, I have no debt, zero health problems, a great family (siblings/parents).  But I’m otherwise alone in the world.  Every day is redundant.  I’m bored to death.  I work a job I hate, come home to an empty apartment, then sleep.  For what?  What’s the fucking point?  The nights I do go out, people (especially my friends) tell me I’m creepy when I don’t even know what I did!?  Forget about talking to girls, they never acknowledge me or act like I’m on crack. Even mediocre girls where I don’t have much interest. People tell me I’m too nice and wear my heart on my sleeve.

I’ve tried group activities and other things with friends but it always leaves me feeling worse, wishing I had never gone out to begin with.  I can’t tell you how many times I’ve actually made new friends, only for us to lose touch within a few months. I’m not a bad person at all. I don’t know what I do wrong. I think I have some kind of social phobia / anxiety.  Sometimes I do feel great when I get out and things go good, but those days are so rare.

What brought me to the site and the desire to speak up is lately I’ve been drinking a lot (and I normally do not drink – and I just started smoking too which is insane) and crying / cutting myself, writing suicide letters, hoping I die. But it looks like I’m still here.

I just don’t feel that I’m needed or wanted in this world.  If I were gone, nobody would miss me.  I don’t matter.  With the exception of my one relative.

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