You have a pile-up of problems. But you are young, smart, articulate, and can eventually fix everything that is wrong.

You just need to give yourself a little patience and kindness. Bipolar disorder is like having a broken leg in your brain. Because people can’t see it, they bug you: why aren’t you doing this? why aren’t you doing that? etc.

First — please try not to burn or self-damage. You are a warrior against your illness and you need to be in good physical condition to fight it.

So you’re recovering from a mental “broken leg.” Be very kind to yourself. Reading your post, I can see that you have been beating up on yourself.

You’ve been criticizing your every mistake. You would not treat your ladies in this unkind manner or your children, right? So don’t treat yourself like this.

I can tell you believe that a “real man” doesn’t ask for help — but guess what — all of us BPs sometimes have to ask for help.

It shows courage and strength to ask for help. Real men get help. Fact.

Remember what Conan the Barbarian said, “What does not kill you, makes you stronger.” You will come out of this with added mental and spiritual muscles. Truth.

Now, just a couple of practical thoughts:

1. Can your current girlfriend find a place for you and her to live in? You need some quiet time to recover.

2. If you still have private health insurance, then you have the right to see doctors (at least in America), and they need to help you fill out the paperwork. So –

3. Contact the Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance at:

http://www.dbsalliance.org/site/PageServer?pagename=home

They will have tons of information for you.

4. Of course you are having trouble filling out forms — bipolar attacks really mess up the brain temporarily — so that’s why you need to call the Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance.

There are Social Security disability advice givers that many illness associaton groups are in touch with, who will meet with you and help you work your way through the Social Security paperwork. The Alliance can help you find them.

5. Remember also that bipolar attacks tend to make it hard to think, and everything looks like a crisis. Try and take things one day at a time, and remember: we BP folks eventually pull out of the lows and the highs. It is a cyclical illness.

So your “normal” time will come back.

6. You have several young children, so I strongly recommend against suicide. They will need you as they get older.

Also it would mess your ladies’ heads up badly.

Here is a website with recorded advice from other people — many of them bipolar — who considered or tried suicide, and why they think it is better to stay alive.

It also has recordings from people whose loved ones suicided, and why they wish that their loved ones had decided to live:

http://www.lifeline-gallery.org/

Maybe our families haven’t been always as helpful as we would like, but let’s not put them through extra hell. Eventually you will stablize, and then you can work on healing the relationships.

Try to focus on fixing one problem at a time. Remember that the lethargy is part of the illness. Don’t call yourself “lazy” — just do a little every day.

Many blessings for your recovery,
Struggle To Survive (been there)