I was wondering have you ever written in a journal everything that you are thinking to get it out to someone, feel better and then throw it away? I was reading an article in the newspaper and it’s all about mental health in Canada and how the system sucks. It had some people’s stories. The more I read it the more I realized that post partum wasn’t the begining for me but a trigger. Now I think about all the nights up in the middle of the night just writing and writing until I finally fell asleep and when I got up and read it the next day I couldn’t believe some of the things I wrote. Things that I would have never told anyone no matter what. Now I’m starting to think that I maybe should talk about it. Have you ever felt that way?Â
You know how people think they are the only ones that think stupid crap in there heads when in reality it’s usually something that most people think about so they go to a doctor and get anti-depressants for everything and that there isn’t enough proper diagnosis but they take the drugs anyway because they think they are not normal but in reality there is really no such thing as normal. I guess that makes sense but I think that there are people like you and me that are “wired” differently. You know what I mean?Â
Is that supposed to mean that once the proper mix of drugs kick in that they fill the gaps or rewire the parts that are messed up and your fixed or do you think it has to do mostly with events in your life that trigger depression and everyone has the potential to become sick? If it runs in families (which I’m positive it does) and both parents have times of depression is the child going to get it for sure and how would you know? Kids shouldn’t feel like this but you wouldn’t want to rush the whole idea of getting them on medication. Isn’t there warnings all over the place that kids shouldn’t take that stuff? What else can be done for them and are they prone to being sick at a very early age. You know what my doctor didn’t even once refer me to anyone else for help just asked me some questions gave me drugs and told me to come back in 2 weeks.Â
When a person relapses when they have been doing good does that mean that the medication they are on is no longer working or has the illness eaten away more of thier brains?
I lie away all night with this horrible feeling in my stomach and can’t figure out what’s stopping me. Leaving all the burden to other people I suppose. I can’t believe how much it hurts, knock me out give me something to make me feel happy (drunk is good but expensive), let me sleep and never wake up. it hurts so much I’m crying. I feel too weak to tell anyone that the meds aren’t working, I dont want to end up in a hospital will they fire me what if they take my son away? Shouldn’t family understand and wrap me up in warmth?
2 comments
i think that you have a good point. though you should proly tell whoever that they arent working though
if u ever need someone to bbkarategirl@yahoo.com
you can message me whenever even though i am a stranger, but sometimes its good to talk to a complete stranger. not getting payed or anything like that, i WILL and DO care
keep hanging in there 🙂
Yes, I think you’re right, you need to talk to somebody. We all do. Drugs can’t give you a hug or listen to you or give you a shoulder to cry on. They’re basically just another way to try to block out the pain when you don’t have anybody to help you with it. I’m guessing when the pain gets too big, meds just don’t work, because they don’t solve the underlying problem, any more than drinking or whatever other thing people do to block out pain.
I think the ‘sickness’ that runs in families is that people don’t talk to each other about the things that really matter to them – they’re always pretending things are fine when they’re not, trying to keep a stiff upper lip and whatnot. I think the sickness is that nobody listens to anybody else any more – everybody’s so focused on getting that new house or new car or getting more status or whatever that they forget what’s most important: Other people.
I think the reason you don’t want to tell anybody that the meds aren’t working is because meds aren’t what you need.
What you _need_, it sounds like to me, is somebody to talk to, somebody who will listen to the things you’ve been bottling up forever and every.
Post partum depression usually happens because a new mom simply doesn’t have enough help to deal with the new baby. The nuclear family is a disaster when it comes to giving enough support to the people in it. We’re not meant to live like that. We’re meant to live in small tribes and clans, with enough people around all the time so that if you need a hand with something, there’s always somebody there – a mom, a grandma, a neighbor, somebody.
Instead you’re having to deal with so many things alone. It’s not meant to be this way, and it’s not your fault.
I don’t know if you have some kind of new mom’s group in your area? or neighbors who are new moms? Or if you go to the playground maybe you’d meet somebody that you could at least swap stories with?
I know none of these things are easy, or you would have done them already.
I’m just encouraging you not to blame yourself, and to start asking for help from the people in your life. You are not a bad person for not being able to handle everything single-handedly – nobody manages everything alone. We all have, and need, and _should_ have, help.
I don’t think you want to die – you just want the pain to stop. The pain of feeling – what – I’m guessing – guilty? lonely? overwhelmed? All kinds of things. Sometimes no one thing seems like that big a deal, but over the course of a person’s life they can all add up to the point where it’s the straw that broke the camel’s back: you just can’t take any more. You just want to lie down for a while, for the world to stop piling any more responsibilities and pains and hurts and worries on you.
Writing here is great, I hope you will write some more. And I hope you will start reaching out to the people around you, and finding out who’s really there for you and who’s not.