I have spent the entire day in a fight. A fight with myself, with my boyfriend, with my life. I don’t want to do this anymore. I am so filled with anger and hate that I can’t stand to be around myself. This has been going on for a long time. I am a college graduate and looking at med school, but right now I don’t feel like I am good enough to even get in. I am taking science prereq’s and I just got a C on my last A & P exam. I feel so stupid. It doesn’t help that I have an eating disorder and I just can’t bring myself to eat, I can’t stand looking at my enormous body in the mirror and I hate the way my body feels. I have been dealing with this for 10 years and I can’t stop. I go through phases where my body image get so bad and my weight drops and it just seems like everyone is used to it and just doesn’t care anymore. I have decided that this is my slow painful suicide. It is the way I push people away, it is the way I hurt myself instead of other people, it relieves my stress, it cures my anxiety and it hides my sadness. I know that if everyone else goes away I will still have my anorexia that I can fall back on. It hurts so much, but I just don’t care anymore. No one loves me, the man I have lived with for the past two years has turned on me. He no longer does sweet things for me, but he expects me to take care of him. He needs his ego filled so often that I am just done with giving him compliments because all he does is fish for them anyway. If I don’t compliment him he talks about how other people compliment him or things that he is “so good at!” It is sad and discouraging. He hasn’t even noticed I lost 15 pounds. He expects that if he asks me to do something, I do it right away. However, in the past month when I have asked him to do things for me he just blows me off. He doesn’t care. No one cares. I worthless, unloved, stupid, and fat and I just don’t want this life anymore. I am hoping the next one will be different.
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