I can’t do this anymore

August 2nd, 2009 by ugh112

I have spent the entire day in a fight. A fight with myself, with my boyfriend, with my life. I don’t want to do this anymore. I am so filled with anger and hate that I can’t stand to be around myself. This has been going on for a long time. I am a college graduate and looking at med school, but right now I don’t feel like I am good enough to even get in. I am taking science prereq’s and I just got a C on my last A & P exam. I feel so stupid. It doesn’t help that I have an eating disorder and I just can’t bring myself to eat, I can’t stand looking at my enormous body in the mirror and I hate the way my body feels. I have been dealing with this for 10 years and I can’t stop. I go through phases where my body image get so bad and my weight drops and it just seems like everyone is used to it and just doesn’t care anymore. I have decided that this is my slow painful suicide. It is the way I push people away, it is the way I hurt myself instead of other people, it relieves my stress, it cures my anxiety and it hides my sadness. I know that if everyone else goes away I will still have my anorexia that I can fall back on. It hurts so much, but I just don’t care anymore. No one loves me, the man I have lived with for the past two years has turned on me. He no longer does sweet things for me, but he expects me to take care of him. He needs his ego filled so often that I am just done with giving him compliments because all he does is fish for them anyway. If I don’t compliment him he talks about how other people compliment him or things that he is “so good at!” It is sad and discouraging. He hasn’t even noticed I lost 15 pounds. He expects that if he asks me to do something, I do it right away. However, in the past month when I have asked him to do things for me he just blows me off. He doesn’t care. No one cares. I worthless, unloved, stupid, and fat and I just don’t want this life anymore. I am hoping the next one will be different.

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3 Responses to “I can’t do this anymore”

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  1. Dear I Can’t –

    Please be kinder to yourself. You are having what I think is an anorexia relapse and a depression. And your relationship is in trouble.

    It’s like having a broken wrist and a busted femur and a broken ankle simultaneously. You’re in a lot of pain. So be gentle and patient with yourself.

    Consider contacting a therapist or counselor — that will help you heal faster. Ask for some anti-depressants — medication will help with the self-criticism and repetitive negative thinking — many of your negative thoughts about yourself may not be accurate.

    You actually seem quite intelligent, not stupid at all. And if you just lost fifteen pounds, you may not be fat, either.

    Remember, in a depession, the brain is generally telling us negative things about ourselves, and often they are not accurate.

    Don’t fret about the medium grade on the test — I took Anatomy and Physiology years ago — that’s a very hard course — getting a “C” in it is actually doing pretty well –

    You don’t have to be perfect in life. The rest of us are not looking at you and expecting you to have a perfect body or a perfect mind or perfect grades.

    We’re looking at you and hoping that you will be kind to us and become a doctor who can help us.

    Turn the anger outwards — go for walks. Try and get your daily tasks done. Study.

    With regard to your romance — talk to your therapist — get an outside perspective before you take any action on it –

    And please consider eating again.

    You are desperately needed as a doctor. Many physicians do not understand anorexia from the inside.

    It is possible that you will save many anorexics’ lives, because you will understand them and offer them compassion from your own past suffering.

    So focus on saving your own life and feeling better, so you can eventually help others.

    Life is cyclical — eventually this cycle will end, and you will start feeling better.

    As you get older, you will understand yourself better, and will have more control over your moods and your life. You can meet someone who will be a better romantic partner.

    All kinds of positive things can happen.

    I am nearly sixty, and I was in a pre-med curriculum and seriously depressed when I was your age. It is a very tough situation.

    But I am very glad that I was unsuccessful in killing myself.

    You may have a very noble mission in life, if you become a doctor or healthcare professional and help other anorexics. Or you may have some other life purpose which you have not discovered yet.

    Be patient, and work on healing. Have faith in yourself and belief in your dreams.

    Cordially,
    Struggling to Survive (been there)

  2. i’m the same. anorexia, it’s my love/hate thing, but at the moment it seems like my only (slow and painful) escape. i hope you find happiness…

  3. You have to live for yourself and not for your boyfriend. You can’t control the way others perceive you. Do what you want for you. I’m still learning this myself. I realized many of the decisions I had made over my life were to appease other people.. my ex girlfriend, my parents, my friends, or just how I thought people expected me to be. After 10+ years of living like this and being constantly unhappy, I for once started living life for myself. It hasn’t been an easy transition, I’ve made some mistakes, and I’m still not “happy”, but at least for once I’m living life on my own terms.

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