I’ve been trying hard to find a good reason that I should live. But, sadly, I couldn’t find one. I don’t wanna make things too complicated, after all, life is smiple. But, what’s a point if I am not happy?  I’ve been suffering from depression for more than 8 years. Nothing can cure me. I can cry several times a day, 7 days a week. My crying makes me so tired, but I just can’t help it. I’ve got no family, no friends, I tried to force myself to talk to others, but I hate it, I’m not confortable with it. I don’t wanna talk to anyone, and I don’t want anyone to talk to me. I don’t even remeber the last time I talk. I’ve never been in love before, I don’t know the meaning of love. actually, I’ve never experience any kind of love, parents love, friends love, lover’s love….no, none. I don’t remeber what happened when I was a child, I seem forget everything, although I don’t know why. All I remeber about my life is being sick, got cancer, and tears. I never laugh, I never did, and I know I’m not gonna to. I know I’m gonna die alone, I just wish I can die soon. I really don’t get it, why I have to suffer from all this. Why?
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3 comments
it’s brutal. i know it. it takes everything we have to just keep going. i just keep reminding myself of what Larry David says in that trailer for his recent movie. “whatever it takes to get an ounce of happiness – that’s what you need to do. whatever it takes.”
you’ve been alone so long and even if you hate it, you’re comfortable with it, and that’s probably why you don’t want to talk to anyone or want anyone in your life. You seem afriad of what people can do to you because you’ve never had it and so far people have never been there for you.
Im sorry you have or had cancer, that must be harder cause your alone. You need someone to talk to, someone you can trust, anyone. I bet it will help to talk to someone, even if its some penpal, anyone who cares. And dont say no one cares…you just have to give it a chance. Do something different, do anything…..i know its going to be so hard because you dont want to…but sometimes the things we dont want to do turns out to be something we love
I choose to die alone, found out love isn’t really all that great and well, friends have their own life and I don’t think I should bother them with my problems so much, I think it’ll drag them down with me or make them leave.
Either way, at least over here, I can whine and complain all I want, and not make anyone uncomfortable or stay away from me. I also can talk about how depressed I get at times without making anyone cry or join me in depression, so I suppose that’s all I want? To be able to be sad and still not bother anyone? But then I want to bother people at times. As much as I want to stay alone, I do need good company once in a while.