why am i still alive?

August 17th, 2009 by peppermint

hi, i am new here (sorry about my bad english) and i was hoping that i could finally tell how i feel and maybe.. someone would understand and listen. well, i feel like shit and i don’t fit in to my familys perfect world. my friends don’t take me seriously and my grandfather likes to hit me.

i guess this all began when i was 12 because he hit me for the first time (i am now 18) i don’t know why but my grandfather has always hated me. when i was 14 he told me that i am a pathetic asshole and terrible big sister to my brother and sister, i am ugly and fat and nobody wants me. (people say theres nothing wrong with the way i look…) i got depressed and i took an overdose, but i guess i didn’t took enough cause i’m still alive.. i don’t know.. i just wish that i could talk to someone.. i know it happened 4 years ago, but i think about it all the time because i have to see my grandfathers face everyday.. and it makes me sick. i don’t know what else to say, but i can’t take this pain anymore.

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9 Responses to “why am i still alive?”

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  1. Hey.

    I don’t know what to say, but I just wanted you to know that someone (and I’m sure others) read your post. I’m so thankful that you didn’t die when you were fourteen.

    -R

  2. i cannot say i have been in your position yet i know the feeling of being suicidal, when there seems to be no hope left, when everything feels like a big void of darkness embracing you.

    There’s often none that wants to listen but we can speak if you wish, im not english however but i hope you will understand me.

    Here’s my msn: Patricio__one@hotmail.com

  3. your 18 that mean your a adolt move on and prove him wrong dont end ur life because ur grandpa is a complet old time b****

  4. Dear Friend
    One man who is close to you has treated you very badly and you decided you weren’t worth it. Of course you’re worth it. What grandfather would say what he said and do what he did?
    Your brother and sister love you I’m sure. And other people say there’s nothing wrong with you and I bet they’re right. Though I do know it’s easier for one person to cause you pain than a hundred to make you happy. You need to discover your self esteem and confidence again. I’m not sure how you could do that. Maybe just try going out more with friends? You’ll feel a lot better if you’re not around your grandfather.
    And remember that you are growing up and that in a few more years, you’ll never have to see him. So keep growing and working so you can get away from him.
    All my love, Jack. x

  5. i tried to tell my friends about my grandpa, but they just said that “get over it” i feel so stupid..

  6. I am so sorry that you are feeling this pain. Yes, it happened four years ago, but the pain continues until you can see what happened from a different point of view. But I am also glad that you have heard from friends that you are not what he said. Funny how it’s easier to “believe him, than believe your friends.” And yet that is so common.
    Please know that your grandpa’s words may be more about how bad he was feeling in his own life. Perhaps he took out those feelings on your because you were a child and he could get away with it. What he said was not true.
    What he said hurt you very much. But that doesn’t make it
    true. Someday I hope you will realize that you are unique and special and worthy of love. You never deserved that treatment. It was your grandfathers way of coping with his own issues. This does not excuse his behavior because what he told you was wrong and untrue.
    The best thing you can do is live your life showing yourself and others that you are not the person he described. This gives you the power in your life; not him.
    I know you are hurting today. I hope that tomorrow you will have a better day. Please know that there are people who understand and care about you. I do.
    Wishing you peace in your heart and the recognition that you are who you choose to be, not what someone else says you are. Sleep peacefully; you do matter!

  7. You’re not stupid. You’re better than that. You’ll continue to grow up and at some point you’ll know that you can escape from it because you’ll be able to get a job and get away.
    But you’re not stupid and you mustn’t think it. xx

  8. Um, well, not to put too fine a point on it – your *grandfather’s* the one who’s the asshole.

    Next time he hits you? Punch him back. And if you’re afraid he’ll hurt you even more, then at least shout at him, “Stop hitting me!” Really loud, as loud as you can, so everyone can hear it. So they can stop pretending it’s not happening to you. Tell him, “If you hit me again, I’m calling the cops!” Then walk over and start dialing the phone.

    In fact, the next time he tries to hit you, report him. This is called abuse, and it’s illegal.

    I’m sorry your friends don’t support you, that sucks.

  9. pulling the plug is right (wow, that sounds… kinda… bad…)

    If he’s hitting you and saying that kind of thing, then that is both physical and verbal abuse. That old loon needs some jail-time to straighten his sick mug out.

    But, also, there might be certain reasons for why he does it. He may be insecure, or jealous of you, or just crazy… any number of things.

    I find it sad that the people you say are your friends would do that to you.

    I’m sorry that you have to go through that kind of life.

    I hope you can find a solution and pull your life out of the crapper.

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