I don’t know why I’m writing this. I don’t think I deserve to be on this page with everyone else’s sorry little sob stories. My life is not as fucked up as yours. I do not have as much pain and agony in my memory sacks. I haven’t been divorced, cheated on, abused. I’ve suffered no major deaths, no traumatic incidents. I cut, but only a little and never dangerously. I feel alone, but I know everyone loves me. Really I just feel I should be happy and cheerful… But I’m not.
Maybe there is something wrong with me. Maybe I just want something to be wrong with me. I’ve only told one person, but he’s far too interested in his own problems to be any help. Plus I don’t even want help. I want to just make it go away. Not the pain, mind you, I really don’t feel any pain. I just feel empty. I feel heavy. I feel like there is a great black hole where my heart should be, and that my mind has taken up all the space.
I’ve never been in love. I’ve never been with a guy. I’ve had boyfriends. I’ve pretended that I was physically attracted to people. I made myself believe that it could be love and feel the passion…. But I know it wasn’t real. I know deep down that I was just pretending, putting on a show for the rest of the world. I’m always putting on a show for the benefit of others.
I’m 19 and I’m scared of life. Not people, not dangerous things like crime and chance. That would be normal, and for some reason my conscious refuses to be normal. I’m scared of making decisions. I’m scared of making changes. I’m always worried that I will get things wrong, that I will fail someone. Even now I am worried I am failing this project. I worry that I am far too interested in me and not enough bothered with the suicidal urges that I accompany.
I’ve tried to strangle myself. I’ve tried to make myself faint. I like fainting, watching everything get warm and fuzzy. I have never tried to truly kill myself, but I always think that it would be nice to just die. I always hope that death would be just the nice fuzzy thing. Permanent. Fixed. Not likely to vanish. I think death will let me escape this labyrinth. I hope death will get rid of all the decisions.
I feel like I should have more feelings. I feel like I should reach out for help here. I don’t want help. I just want someone to listen. I want someone to care enough to read this whole post. I want my story to be in the open.
When I was little I was convinced I was going to be a writer. I was convinced that I was going to change the world. I am not a writer, and the world has only changed me.
I still find hope sometimes. I can still get excited and happy. I can still run down the street laughing. But it’s not the same as it used to be. I am quite sure I am depressed, but it having a name does not make it better.
I am terrified of psychiatrists, but everyone says I need one. I’ve started seeing skulls in the inkblots. I used to see kittens and frogs. Do professionals really help? Or will they just judge you and make generalizations like the rest of the world does? Are they going to try to shove me inside another box? I hate boxes. I hate stereotypes.
I like to sleep when I’m angry, but my roommate always notices any changes in my sleep patterns. I guess this is my substitute. Unleash my discontentment upon the world and hope to destroy another. I fear I’m psychotic and dangerous. I laugh when I’m in pain.
This post probably isn’t right. I probably will get blocked or killed in the comments. I’m really scared to post it. I don’t want to put it in my blog, because I know one of my friends reads it. I don’t want my friends to know the truth. I’d rather lie and make it too little, too late. Maybe that’s why I consider suicide.
39 comments
Thanks for posting that. I’m glad you did.
I can really relate to it, and to a lot of posts on this site. I’m interested that you said you sleep when you’re angry, I do that too, and I’ve never met anyone else who does. It’s a crap/good coping mechanism huh? In fact I am in bed right now trying to sleep off some built up anger.
Sometimes it feels like my whole body is toxic with negative emotions. I’m pretty over it.
Anyway, I just wanted to say hi and thanks for having the courage to post. It certainly wasn’t wasted.
only question i have is how do you make yourself faint?
I guess I didn’t really explain well (or at all). I can’t truly make myself faint. Blackout, yes, but not go unconscious. I do faint whenever I give blood (which I find highly ironic being how I am not at all squeamish or opposed to needles). I though I’m not a fan of all the attention I get when it happens, I love giving blood.
Hey, just because you don’t have an extreme story to explain why you feel like you do, doen’t mean you aren’t suffering. It might even just mean it’ll get fixed sooner, so don’t feel you don’t deserve to ask for care + attention.
Depends on your psychiatrist.
I’d say councelling would be good for you to get your head straight, and mabye direct you to anything else you need
hey
this is exactly how i feel
i cut myself but not to the extreme
i felt like i was alone but obviously not as their are lots of sites like this
i havent told anyone as i am worried how they will react
well done for putting the post on
I feel like you, all the time. I’m terrified of everything. I feel alone, yet there are a bunch of people that would probably support me, I don’t want to be judged. I want some one that will truly speak there mind to me, if they say the truth I will probably cry, but I think that will be good for me. Hopefully you feel better.
Everything you said is everything I feel.
I typed, “I want to disappear” into google and this is the first link it sent me to.
I made an account just to reply.
Because I care about you.
Maybe I shouldn’t, maybe I don’t really care about people but do so to make myself think I’m better than I actually am. I could list the possibilities but I’m too exhausted and feel like I’m trying too hard to be something else.
I don’t want to be anywhere anymore. Drugs are numbing but even under their influence I know how useless I am– I wish I could reveal my soul to someone. But nobody wants to know, and will only be grieved by my ridiculous fucking rant.
I also wanted to be a writer when I was little. I thought words could change the universe. I’m in first year of college. All of my essays sound the same.
I feel like I wrote too much and wish to erase most of it but I’ll leave it. Like an ugly scar. Everything I do and think is ugly and I don’t know myself anymore. I feel like I’m a manipulative *****. I want to disappear too.
I’m 18.
Thanks for the post, it helped to remind me I’m not alone.
I’m exactly the same as you are, I am also 19. I have the same problem as you. I tried to change myself a lot of times but failed. I keep thinking “Why can’t I just disappear, that way everything will be solved.
I want everyone to forget about me. So that they don’t feel the pain of losing someone. I don’t want my parents, friends or relatives getting hurt because of me, so I am too chicken to kill myself.
Just like you I want to become a writer, and I still do. I don’t know when it happened,
i never imagenet that so many people feel like i feel
im realy thankfull that i found this page and this post
I’m much older than the rest of you but I feel the same way….I’ve felt this way as long as I can remember. I’ve always been a loner. Others were happy and I never understood why I never was. I’m on medication for depression….though I have more bay days than good….explains why I’m on here huh? I’ve sat on my bed with a pistol in my mouth and cried many times. The only thing that stopped me was the guilt I knew I would leave behind for my family. Recently I’ve noticed that I slowly cutting myself off from my family and this scares me. I’ve done research on all of the drugs I’m prescribed to see which would be the best one to use to commit suicide. I’ve made a will and updated all of my life insurance policies. I’m almost reeady but not quite at the brink.Plus my son is only 16 and I would like him to be an adult if I leave….not that I believe it would make any difference. Everyone I know will be hurt and blame themselves or others. I try to convince myself that everyone would be better off without having to worry about me but that doesn’t work either. My son is afraid I’ll go to hell if I were to commit suicide. I shocked him the other night when I told him I didn’t really believe in heaven or hell…..it’s just what you have when you’re living and when you’re gone your energy just dissipates…I believe in ghosts more than heaven or hell. Would rather be a ghost than alive.
Hey.
I feel like you do in a lot of ways. But also kind of different. I dont cut or do drugs. I never try to hurt myself. Like rrabbit said, “I want everyone to forget about me. So that they don’t feel the pain of losing someone. I don’t want my parents, friends or relatives getting hurt because of me, so I am too chicken to kill myself.” I guess its nice to know I’m not the only one, but that doesnt make it go away. I wish I were invisible. I’m not interested in anything. I just fall in love too hard, so I live to not disappoint anyone. I dont want to hurt anyone. I dont mind doing things to make people happy, but short things. I want to sell flowers for a living, but thats impossible. I just want to do something unimportant so I can focus all my energy on not letting people down. I wish I could die normally, they’d eventually get better and wouldnt blame themselves. I’m so useless. And selfish. I read your whole post, if that helps :/
This was one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever read. I can’t feel much right now. But I no longer feel quite as alone as I did.
I feel the same way. I’m 19 and i don’t have reasons to feel like disappearing, a normal happy life, friends and a family that loves me but i feel so desnorted. And i just don’t feel motivated for life. It’s tiring. Thou i don’t want to die i want to disappear, just … vanishing. My existence itself. It’s strange that i googled “i want to disappeat” and of the results that i clicked brought me to a place, a post that understod me. And with another people feeling the same.
I also create an account to reply at this post, and all the commentaries below it. Hopefuly I know a little bit of english to express myself. I’m feeling like this, exactly, except the thing that i’m a man, 18 years old. I just wanna thank you for this, for telling me that i’m not alone, thank you. I’m scared of staying with that state of mind during all my life. I just want to be erased, to disappear like if I’ve never existed. I hope, one day i’ll get enough courage to make the step between the life, and the dead.
Thank you again.
Math
I know how you feel sweetheart. I mean, not you personally, we all feel things differently. But, I understand your situation. I am 15, and I am fearful as well. You are very brave to post your problems and even seek help. I admire you, dearie.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BBgi3icmvHM
in case you cant click the link, its called “Strong Enough To Cry” by Shiloh. Listen to it. I find it easier to scream-sing along to.
If only there’s an easy way to disappear. If there’s only a way to give my life to anyone that needs it, I’ll gladly sacrifice my life for them. I find myself having no purpose in this world, where I find everyday living is a ruts. I thought falling in love will make this thoughts disappear. In the end I was turned down. I tried to cut myself through the neck, drink pills, still I’m a lucky bastard. I wish I have a gun to pull the trigger to blow up my brains. But I don’t want to die in a sinful way. Sometimes I just wish I was hit by a truck or train by accident so there’s no one to blame… Why am I here? Why am I born? What’s my purpose? Why does living hurt so much? Why?!?! :'((
22 – Ekim
If it would have been so easy to disappear and leave no trace; i would have long ago erased my existence. I feel the same as you do; life is a living hell; the more i escape from it; the more it hits up on me. I’ve tried to share my thoughts with my cousins but they only end up telling me that death is not a solution; one should continue fighting despite the pain life bestows. i often told myself; who is seeking a solution; i just want to be free of this life and death seems a pretty good offer. then my inner conscience needs to have its say that i am a coward; always searching for an escape instead to face life as it was. And i ended like this for now 10 years crushing myself all the time with these thoughts. i tried to drink some bleach and other chemicals but was too freaky to do so thinking of the intestinal pains that would arise afterwards. often i thought why did i have to live; my parents will live their life better without me; they don’t need to work and stress themselves daily. if i died; they both could stop working and enjoy the rest of their days in a small bungalow near the sea till the rest of their lives. Why couldn’t i find the courage to end my life; why does i have to live with pain, and being not able to do anything to end it. why do i feel so helpless and stupid that i end up crying and wailing as if it would ease the seed of pain sown in my heart? we are all in the same boat, wanting to put an end to our life. I just hope someday i will acquire enough strength to cross this bridge of life and be wrapped in the grips of death forever. i often said to myself i would happily exchange/ give my life to anyone who needed it; if only i could do so. i often say;”why god do you give me dreams to crush them in reality and left me with pain and tears.
Thanks for sharing; it reminds me that i’m not alone here.
i know im kinda late to the party here but i couldn’t have described how i feel any better
than this. i cant get the thought of just running away or crashing my car and killing myself out of my mind and it scares me to think that one day i might do it. i find joy in helping people but i know that its just a show and that in the end like always i will end up alone and forgotten. i know i should be happy and i know that things can be worse but i just feel empty alone and out of place. i haven’t talked to anyone and the one time i went to a shrink i felt even worse afterwords. i used to be truly happy but now it just seems that i can only see how things will go wrong and how i will fuck everything up. i don’t want help or anyone to worry about me i just want someone to be there. to know that i wont just be forgotten. i had that once and lost it out of know where. i havent been the same sens .
Looks like a lot of us came here searching ” I want to disappear” and that is exactly how I got here too. It was another day at work, same boring stuff same crap and all that. A lot of you guys are teenager and now when I look back when I was at that age I used to feel the same way but then I got cut up in relationships, marriage, divorce and all those drama maybe to forget about how I really feel about life and now I am back in my single lonely life and looks like all my issues are surfacing and coming back to me… Maybe I am depressed it is just that simple things don’t make me happy they never did and I don’t like to act as if they do… it has to be extraordinary for me to smile. I cried when I read ” I wanted to change the world and now the world changed me” or when you said “God why do you give me dreams to crush them in reality”. It is amazing how each of us think that it is just me, it is my problem why do I feel out of place at least I did. Now you read how others exactly feel the same and do the same things… I wish there was a solution which wasn’t death. I wish movies were true and there were happy endings… but reality is always sad and negative and it is not how I perceive it.
I know…exactly how you feel. This darkness that creeps up inside you. That aching feeling. Wondering every moment the wrong you do, or the wrong you will do. I’m so afraid I’ll fuck up. Every second. I just want…it to end.
Like those who have responded, I too have these feelings. However, I have found some answers. These feelings are just ” feelings”. There is also an intellect that allows us to make choices despite our “feelings”. When I was in the Army, I once went to a school for a few weeks. After checking in, I plopped myself onto the top bunk of my bed. It was about 5 PM. I found myself admiring a leaf on a tree branch outside my window. I was surprised to find I was content at that moment. It was 5 PM and I was in bed looking at a leaf! I had not had such a privilege in many years. I learned at that moment to “take time to smell the roses” – despite my depressive feelings and thought. Right before reading your blog, I was admiring humming birds outside my window. I purposely place a feeder there for such viewing. Thier antics give me a smile despite the depressive “feelings”. Moments such as these do help in coping with depression. I have been using them for years. It is a full time job to take a moment throughtout your day to watch a butterfly fly, the smell of a simple cup of coffee, the color of a blue sky, the shape of the clouds in the sky, or just the feel of a breaze on your skin. I know it sounds nuts but such moments allow me to crack a smile even thought I still feel depressed. Try it yourself.
i’m 25 right now. i find this entry really relates to my life.
i just didn’t care about the world, or anyone, or anything..until I find playing bubbles as a hobby. it is sort of my own therapy that i devised to cope with things.
bubbles…so beautiful, and mysterious yet the only thing people like to destroy, sadly.
Pursue your writing. Your line about how you haven’t changed the world and that the world has only changed you compelled me to create an account and reply.
Maybe later I’ll make a post. But there’s so much sadness here everyday…and I’m so under pressure for nothing that I don’t even feel as tho I exist. I just dawdle along and struggle when it should be the best years of my life.
I make music and no one cares…I wish I could see who would come to my funeral…and what they’d say about me.
I feel exatly the same i even wanted to be a writer and change the world by doing a mother load of charity work but it never happened. I feel exactly every thing you said is the same as how i feel!
I am relieved hat someone feels the same
It’s nice to know I’m not the only one. Sometimes I fell like I’m a burden to everyone else around me. I’m just a wasted soul and if I could I would give it away.
I just want to say you have just changed my life. You know exactly how I feel and I thought I was a freak. Everything you said is what I go through. I can tell now that these problems are just as bad as anyone who’s “worse off”… I don’t even know how to react right now. Thank you so much and you are a beautiful writer.
This is quite amazing, seeing your post, reading everyone’s comment. I too searched for “I want to disappear”. Thank God, it took me to your exact post. Your story really resonates with me, like the other commenters, I feel EXACTLY this way, and my situation in many ways is similar to yours. In fact, I made an account right now, just to comment on your story. It’s beautiful and thank you for your way of reaching out, it really touched me – which is pretty difficult these days because I hardly feel anything. Thank you <3
I too fell through the Google Gate…I was so grabbed by your words that I read all the comments too. I was glad to see recent posts, because at first I worried I was 3 years too late. There’s just so much to say… the people in my life don’t understand it.25 year old guy- and I’m reduced to tears daily.Sometimes, I just sit and watch “7 pounds” and wish I had the guts to do it.Thank you for you…Your words, your feelings, and your strength.I had to create an account. I had to reply.
*I want to disappear* Reading this felt as though you were speaking from my mind.
I can recall, clearly, at age 7, praying that I wouldn’t wake up the next morning and then crying when I did. I’ve always felt like a waste of space, a burden on my family. I’ve always thought about dying. I know I don’t want to do anything violent or take my own life because I know it would hurt my family and hurting my family is what I wish to stop doing. And I feel sometimes that in order to stop, I should stop existing. If I could just fade away, everything would be okay.
Like the OP I don’t have a horrible life, nothing too far out of the ordinary. I’ve just always known that something was wrong with me. I know that I need to speak with a professional but I have this fear that I’ll be put away.
I have friends and family but I live a very lonely life. I fantasize frequently about how my life could be fulfilling and how I could be enough for someone to love. But these are fantasies and the lonely life I’m living is reality. Tomorrow is just another day I fail at all things that matter.
it really doesn’t matter if you have a horrible past or not pain is pain and emptyness is emptyness. I really understand where your coming from and i feel empty and lonely a lot and sometimes i feel like losing myself and think i am going crazy because a laugh at the most horrible think and i laugh when i cut my self and i am only 13. But you must always try to see the good things in live even when its really hard and i atmid sometimes i can’t see those thing myself. Try to find something or someone that makes you happy. when i draw i feel very happy i can put al my emotions on paper and that makes see the good things in life. (:
Hi, I just made a account to leave a comment. I know you wrote this almost 4 years ago, but I want to know… Do you still feel the same way now?
The reason I ask is I feel I can really relate to what you have written. My story is very different to yours; physical, emotional and verbal abuse from my father, which led to all kind of other problems. Im 19. But I want to know if your situation and depression ever got better? And how?
Hi, I just made a account to leave a comment. I know you wrote this almost 4 years ago, but I want to know… Do you still feel the same way now?
The reason I ask is I feel I can really relate to what you have written. My story is very different to yours; physical, emotional and verbal abuse from my father, which led to all kind of other problems. Im 19. But I want to know if your situation and depression ever got better? And how?
Hi, I just made a account to leave a comment. I know you wrote this almost 4 years ago, but I want to know… Do you still feel the same way now?
The reason I ask is I feel I can really relate to what you have written. My story is very different to yours; physical, emotional and verbal abuse from my father, which led to all kind of other problems. Im 19. But I want to know if your situation and depression ever got better? And how?
Hi, I just made a account to leave a comment. I know you wrote this almost 4 years ago, but I want to know… Do you still feel the same way now?
The reason I ask is I feel I can really relate to what you have written. My story is very different to yours; physical, emotional and verbal abuse from my father, which led to all kind of other problems. Im 19. But I want to know if your situation and depression ever got better? And how?
Same as pippiliz and a few others, I created an account in order to leave a comment, because this is just so relatable. I thought there was something wrong with me… I have wonderful friends, a family that loves me, I go to a great school where I am getting good grades and doing well. But I just feel… empty. I don’t know what it is. It’s like my life is a constant battle between wanting to die and being scared of death. I know I’m young, I’m 14. Most people just say ‘You’re so young, you just don’t understand. You have a great life. Just think how much worse it could be!’ They think I’m just seeking attention or something. Sometimes I even wish I had the courage to kill somebody so that I could be locked away from everything. I secretly hope for some sort of major accident resulting in my death, or falling over the edge into complete insanity in order to seek shelter in some sort of mental asylum. I used to cut, but I stopped because I thought I didn’t have anything to complain about and so I shouldn’t need to hurt myself. I write instead. My pen is my knife. I cut the words out of my heart and stick them to paper with my metaphorical glue stick of a soul. Sometimes I show my writing to people. Other times it’s just too personal, so I edit it to make it feel more fictional. People think I’m crazy and hyper and happy. I don’t think they realise how easy it is to put on a mask. I get what you mean about there being no pain. Just a black hole getting bigger every time I force a smile. Threatening to swallow me up. I hate decisions too. And changes. I understand not wanting to get things wrong or disappoint anyone. I bet nobody will even read this, but to be honest I don’t really care. It feels good to get it out. Cut it out of my heart and stick it on here with my metaphorical glue stick of a soul. Lots of people at my school cut, or a re depressed, or want to die. The numbers just keep adding up. Maybe it’s being at an all-girls grammar school. But maybe it’s just how life is. If so many people in this world feel like they don’t belong. That they want to die. Then obviously we are doing something wrong here. We shouldn’t feel like this. A girl on my road killed herself. We had an assembly to remember her at school. And then she was forgotten. I’m trying to remember. I hope someone tries to remember me when I die. But then again, I want everyone to forget me. I want to disappear. This has gotten really long now… I didn’t mean it to be this long. I hope you don’t still feel the way you did when you wrote this. I hope you found something to hold onto. Because then there’d be a chance for me to find it too… Thank you for telling me I’m not completely alone 🙂
Alike the others, i too have found this via google. Four simple words that i chant to myself hundreds of times throughout the day; i want to disappear. I am also 19 and have never been close to a relationship, for i am convinced that no guy within the radius of the entire universe would put up with my emotional bullshit.
I have a decent job and i live with my mum, the only parent. Just like the author of this thread, i have no drama to excuse me from being emotionally deprived. Since childhood, i had been a hermit, unable to communicate with others in an acceptable fashion. This has led to me being a lonesome teen and then a pathetic excuse for an adult. I hate myself and I hate the fact that i can’t end my life because i care way too much for my overprotective family.
I just watch everyone else move on, read their posts on facebook, take in how sickly sweet their relationships are and how ecstatic they are about getting into uni. But I am alone, and i have no will to succeed, because i know that no matter how much money i can make, my state of mind will not change and i will still rot.
Thank you for making this thread. This may be some unexplainable coincidence, but i aspired to be a writer too. I write short stories and keep them locked in a box, perhaps one day i’ll turn them in to a publisher and be the next Sylvia Plath. Or I’ll just burn them in my backyard.
Hi,
Tate here. I don’t know how many of the people who have left comments will tumble back, but I feel that you deserved an update. I’ve come back here from time to time to see that amber-encased piece of myself which seems to have touched so many people. I almost posted once, but I’ve been scared. I’ve been scared that I can’t measure up to your expectations.
However, I think it’s time that illusion is broken. I am 23 now and I’m still scared of life. Sometimes, I still want to disappear in that big black oblivion. But before you stop reading and start thinking that it’s hopeless, I want to say that I am much better. I’m not going to say it was easy. I am certainly not going to say it happened quickly. I’m not even going to tell you that I’m “fixedâ€. I still get terrified of how overwhelmingly disappointing my life is compared to the crayon dreams of my childhood, but the suicidal itch which had persisted roaring into my ears has become a quiet whimper. I will not listen to its rubbish.
I won’t go into my entire story. It’s safe to say things got worse before they got better. I did finally break down and seek professional help. I don’t believe therapy is the answer, but it may have pushed me in the right direction. I still don’t know what the answer is. I just know that there is one. Maybe there are multiples. Have hope.
So, I’m going to end this by putting myself out there. If you ever need someone to talk to, someone to curse at, or someone to make you feel a little bit less alone, shoot me an email. My address is sparrowhawke67@gmail.com. I am not a qualified therapist or councilor or mental health anything. I’m just a girl. Maybe that is all that matters.
I just found this post on google too and just like the others i decided to make an account to leave a comment/reply. After reading the reply of crystalvision, i can very much relate to her and you~ As i read your post i can’t stop myself from tearing up, It felt like i’m reading my story. I pretty much experience those things too. I did notice that you have written it on 2009 and i’m writing a comment in year 2016. i just want to Thank you i don’ know why, i’m sorry i can’t really express myself well but i do hope that in due time this emptiness will be replaced by something genuine.
Im not good with my words, but I will try my best.
I kinda late for the party I think.
I register to make comment here. Like you, my life is normal. I have parents and little brother. Nothing is wrong. I should be happy. I should love my family. But no, nothing is wrong but I want to die. I want to perish. Disappear. Gone. I wish I was never born. Im not sure with my feeling. Am I sad or just pretend to be sad? Its frustrating. Today is bad day, I start to thinking about how it will be better for me to die, again.
I dont know what to say, I want to thank you to write this.