4 years ago I was a contented and happy person. The simplest things make me happy. I was an innocent high school girl who just follow my parents. Of course I get mad at times at random things but i easily get over it. I have fewer back then..fewer friends, fewer connections, fewer material possessions, and fewer things to think about.
But when I entered college I became more mature and I can think of a lot of things I don’t think back in high school, most of which are philosophical. Before, I was close to God and I go to the chapel everyday before I go to school. But now, when I came to reflect on things that don’t just concern myself, I realized that I don’t like Catholicism. I don’t like some of its teachings. And about God, I believe he exists but I don’t like the way he ‘manages’ the world.
So here’s where my suicide shit comes in.
If the world is a company and God is the owner and supervisor, I am just an employer. So what does an employer does when he/she can’t take the way the supervisor governs the company anymore? The employer quits.
And that’s what I wanna do. I don’t like the world where I am in. I want to leave this place. I hate the reality in here.
I know I can surpass the complexities of life. I know I can be successful someday if i put my heart and determination on my aspirations. The things is, if i would do that it means i still ‘belong’ to this world—that i accept and live with the flow of the so-called life here.
And that’s bullshit cause I don’t want here anymore.
I hate the way God governs the world. Alright, let’s say God doesn’t exist and it’s all humans’ deeds why this world is this world. Either way I don’t like the flow of life and living here.
And this makes up the 70% of my reasons why I wanna quit my job as a creature in this fcked up world.
30% goes to my personal problems. My insecurities, discontentment, heartbrokenness (not romantically speaking), emptiness.
Last week I was about to take suicide via overdoze but when I googled it, the # of grams of the pills I was supposed to take was not enough to kill a person so..i dunno.
Just 2 things.
1) Miracle that would make me stay.
2) Find a way to die without much physical pain.
Hmm…however, i’ll still accept help. you can help me, but please don’t use cliched advices like “look on the brighter side of life” blahblahblah. I’ve already tried doing that but the thing is I DON’T LIKE HERE ANYMORE.