Why I want to leave this world

October 11th, 2009 by stilldonthavetheguts

4 years ago I was a contented and happy person. The simplest things make me happy. I was an innocent high school girl who just follow my parents. Of course I get mad at times at random things but i easily get over it. I have fewer back then..fewer friends, fewer connections, fewer material possessions, and fewer things to think about.
But when I entered college I became more mature and I can think of a lot of things I don’t think back in high school, most of which are philosophical. Before, I was close to God and I go to the chapel everyday before I go to school. But now, when I came to reflect on things that don’t just concern myself, I realized that I don’t like Catholicism. I don’t like some of its teachings. And about God, I believe he exists but I don’t like the way he ‘manages’ the world.
So here’s where my suicide shit comes in.
If the world is a company and God is the owner and supervisor, I am just an employer. So what does an employer does when he/she can’t take the way the supervisor governs the company anymore? The employer quits.
And that’s what I wanna do. I don’t like the world where I am in. I want to leave this place. I hate the reality in here.
I know I can surpass the complexities of life. I know I can be successful someday if i put my heart and determination on my aspirations. The things is, if i would do that it means i still ‘belong’ to this world—that i accept and live with the flow of  the so-called life here.
And that’s bullshit cause I don’t want here anymore.
I hate the way God governs the world. Alright, let’s say God doesn’t exist and it’s all humans’ deeds why this world is this world. Either way I don’t like the flow of life and living here.
And this makes up the 70% of my reasons why I wanna quit my job as a creature in this fcked up world.
30% goes to my personal problems. My insecurities, discontentment, heartbrokenness (not romantically speaking), emptiness.

Last week I was about to take suicide via overdoze but when I googled it, the # of grams of the pills I was supposed to take was not enough to kill a person so..i dunno.
Just 2 things.
1) Miracle that would make me stay.
2) Find a way to die without much physical pain.

Hmm…however, i’ll still accept help. you can help me, but please don’t use cliched advices like “look on the brighter side of life” blahblahblah. I’ve already tried doing that but the thing is I DON’T LIKE HERE ANYMORE.

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11 Responses to “Why I want to leave this world”

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  1. Hey, Try changing religion. Or do this take a tour to third world countries and see how they live, you will feel much better.

  2. dude, i’m in a third world country.

  3. I’m a non-believer of any religions. But if there is a God, we are not the employers, but are given what we have the assets to start our business. We are the boss of our own business. Some are born rich, and some are poor. It depends on what firm or business you start with. It’s not fair to begin with. Never fair. I wish I were female, I know exactly how to please a man to the extreme, however I am a man, have to compete with men to get girls. I could always be the winner. But I had to forfeit my advantage in order to get male friendship, nevertheless I could always be the threat in their minds, who would be dare enough to have the self esteem sufficient to befriend with. Girls with me would also live with unwanted fear all the time.
    What I want to say is living in this world is never fair.
    But you are given what you have, a business so to speak, fundamentally poor or rich, is a life to explore, succeed or not, depends on what you think, not on the society’s need or standard.
    If you fail, it’s usually your point of view, never the society’s, and never the God’s.
    Walk the marathon, hard but struggle, finally crossing the finish line, does it make you the winner?
    It’s only your own spirit to entertain.
    When you fail in some ways, find another ways to lift your spirit up, surfing an enjoyable wave, swim a few laps, dance to your favorite songs, read some refreshing books, help out in internets, watch some good movies, or some friendly talks to strangers. Those help indeed. Bad experiences are to be surpassed by good ones.
    Remember it’s how to run our own business is the main point.

  4. stilldonthavetheguts,

    please don’t despair. that’s a natural human tendency, not a conclusion. same with suicide.

    i also disagree with catholicism. but please don’t misunderstand the way the world is – God did not make it like this, we did. God’s only official representative was Jesus, and He came around a time where there was corruption and disorder like there is today. people understood back then that the world is messed up because of people, not because of God, so He was not blamed for things. but in our time, God is misrepresentated every day, and few people are told the truth.

    in the garden of eden, adam and eve sinned, and the sin was passed down. original sin is more than a little sin, it affects you in a million ways. people are inherently evil because of original sin, that’s why you don’t have to teach a child how to lie or steal. we’re all evil from our beginning, and the world is ran by evil people, really. God IS in control, but He is not going to bring peace to the world, the world is faithless. only individuals who put their faith in Him can know the peace that God gives. God’s plans for you are amazing, because God came up with them. but you will not get to be a part of God’s plans unless you give up your life for Him. you’re struggling now because you live in a world where we’re all better off dead, it’s no surprise that you’ve realized that. the only thing worth living for is God – otherwise the best advice i could give would be to go through with suicide. there’s no hope without God.

    please don’t despair. God is God, all knowing, powerful, and merciful – don’t you want to give your life to Him? any other reason for living really isn’t worth it – you’ve figured that out, now please realize what you need to do next. God will wait for you just as He does for everyone. Love is patient & kind, God is Love.

    please take care,

    daniel

  5. I know how you feel when you say this life is a company and God is the owner, I feel more like this is some sick game that God “if he exists” then he plays over and over, but I’m just another atheist here, I lost my belief in everything a long time ago, I feel pretty much like you Im sick of this so fucked up life…
    I didnt really want to post my story but now that I read yours I think I should also post my own story, right now I feel like shit and I don’t really have much powerful words to tell you but I hope you find some relief from this pain,

    I posted this article a while ago, read it if you like and if you want to join that would be nice from you, here’s the link http://suicideproject.org/2009/10/suicide-season/
    and if you feel like talking sometimes add me to your IM or e-mail me,

    SuicideSeasonProject@live.com

    have a nice day

  6. Hello,

    Yes, I could be sitting next to you and would nod saying that this world is as you describe it, and I also hate when someone tells me to “look at the brighter side”.
    And I cannot say that I have a family to live for, like parents, children, wife, relatives or friends, I have got none of them. Some friend in Poland but I havent seen him for 10 years.
    BUT
    There is something which appeals to me more than anything in the world.
    It is the people with real human experiences of life. Those who live on the edge of sadness, desolation, suffering or unfairness. Particularly I have never been the same since the holocaust of Beslan, where psycopaths Chechenians raided a school of children in Russia and left them raped, dead, of torn to pieces, some are surviving. Google for Beslan
    Girl, I cannot let them down. I cannot let them down because nobody cares for them, but I do, even above myself.
    No, I dont do it for god, because i dont believe in him, I d better dont believe in him because if i did, i would hate him for allowing that to happen.
    One guy made a comment like “go to the third world” and see for yourself. This is close to what I am saying.
    What I mean, and he probably means is that your view of the world although completely correct and true, you can still make happy a lot of people. If you allow me to be more specific, I think you are one of the very good ones, because it is precisely for that that you feel like that, because you have sensitivity for caring or hating for what is going on.

    To me, you are all the real people, living on the edge sometimes, but probably, one of the best too.

    Alvaro

  7. Hi.
    Please dont “give up” on this life. I am much older than you are and have gone thru moments in my life too where I was on the edge, literally (on a mtn, and being afraid of heights, that is no small feat), and experienced a gift that opened my heart and soul for me to see/hear/feel lifetimes in every direction. In total dispair I sat, emptied my mind of all thought and pain, and was shown that we all carry within us so much beauty, love, godfulness, and if we can just make ourselves get thru the lessons (tough times) and see them for what they are (simply life experiences that we are to get thru and learn from…sometimes so we can reach out and help someone else) then life just keeps getting bigger and better….of course there are going to be the totally down days, but if you can just believe that this is all about the journey and experiences and the wisdom and love that comes with all the good and the bad, then one day, things start to change and you find that so much of life is beautiful. I know that one of the people who wrote to you is so heartbroken over the pain inflicted on the innocent and I cant even begin to understand how such horrible things happen, but if we can each reach out and just touch the lives of the people we come in contact with and say or do something that gets them past their pain, then it turns out that it rebounds in a way…and you find by giving , you get so much back. Yesterday I was depressed beyond anything, I am a mother of four children, and divorcing my husband and my 2nd oldest teenager put all her anger against the world on top of me and it literally broke my heart, to the point where i felt life was unbearable without her in it, but i sat down and pulled up the suicide site and saw how many people are struggling and realized I have lived so many lifetimes in this one and have had so many wonderful memories and plan to make so many more….I hope you do too,….I hope that somewhere inside of you you understand that life can get better…that sometimes the toughest times are the first time you experience hurt/disappointment/disilluionment/and lack of faith…but if you will just keep moving forward, do something for someone else maybe, then you will find that life is worth every minute and every lesson it gives us….we get to choose whether we want to mold it into nothingness or into wisdom and an appreciation for a lesson that we can one day help someone else thru or over it….kinda like that big board the army recruits are expected to climb over…no doubt the first few times it is tough to climb, but if a hand reached down and helped you ((dont know if that would be allowed, but then in life we can allow ourselves to help others)) over the obstacles and things you dont believe you get over, then maybe just maybe in retrospect you will see that everything we need to live our lives is right there in front of us…Sure some people look more fortunate than others, but if only you knew (maybe you do) that the struggle and the overcoming of it is so important to who we are….and if we are willing to help others when they need a hand, then i believe our souls light up and that of the person we are trying to help. gosh i hope this makes sense.
    Please understand that if you can make it thru the rough days (and please realize that religion is simply a guide, it is your inner spiritual self that feels light and at peace that is closest to god….all the rest is just humanity trying to give direction….taken literally it doesnt always sound so great…but just remember to love and be compassionate and to laugh, even if it is at yourself….at my age i have learned to laugh at myself, with teenagers it is inevitable that they are laughing with (((hmmm..or at??))) me too…but all in all ….this is one big journey….try to look at life as an adventure…..because really , that is what this is all about….)))and walk thru it with love. Please take care of yourself. You are so worthy.

  8. Life sucks no matter what. I have everything a man can possibly want to be happy…yet I’m not. I feel like I am in a giant dirty aquarium with dangerous fish all around me. I am stuck in this F.. world. Bla bla bla, You happy people dont get it…the fact that I have to wake up every F.. morning to do the same F.. thing over and over again, life is a big routine no matter what. And on top of that, if I kill my self I will have to face an angry God because I did want to play by the rules…either way I am F.. I whish there was a ”undo” button so I could delete every thing about my F.. self. I just dont see the beauty in this world, all I see is bad things…by the way, why do you even care..you guys are like good little robots. You and your BS. I whish I was like you, I really do. U know, the smiling and every thing. Even the way animals behave in the jungle makes me sick, there is no beauty in that. This world is full of danger and I dont feel secure in it, the human creature is a very dangerous one and it can do what ever it wants. If your are happy in this world then you deserve it. But me, I have kids I love more than anything else..so I ma going to wait for my time to be up and pretend I am F.. happy. I guess one way to be happy would be to pretend that there is nothing wrong with this world and that nobody is suffering anywhere…ya that is it…they say you always got the choice….WTF, I never wanted to be here, I was never asked! Having said that I wish I could just destroy this F body of mine and get away with it….but it’s the people I love I dont want to hurt….It would be so cool if God would ask me if i really want to be here (with a soft voice that is) then I wouldn’t probably no what to answer…F I guess just writing these lines makes me wonder what I really want out of this place…

  9. Just be strong and stop to think about this shit. We are all sometimes confused, feel lost in this world, dissapointed but it doesn’t mean that we have to kill ourselves. find your inspiration, fall in love, do the stupid things that you’ve never done and just try to be happy. just don’t do that please…

  10. Hello confused one,I call you confused because I too am somewhat like you. I don’t give a fck. The world is shitty. Most people in it create a fake, made up character which they pretend to be to keep them from killing themselves. They party, they pretend, and they serve their mediocre purpose. Some think they’re gods and try to take over the world. Some are happy with a paycheck and being a slave. And the end of it all. If you’re not dead, its not you’re time. Your destiny whatever it may be is unfulfilled. Your death will come in time. Your suffering will end. Until then endure. Suffer. We all suffer in different ways. I know what its like waking up everyday wishing i was dead. Whether you see yourself as good or bad. Fck it.Whether you see others actions as good or evil. Fck it. Only a mind free from impediments can see the chaotic beauty of the world. Rejoice in the destruction. Fear not the chaos, embrace it. Ignorance is bliss. Unfortunately I think those whom are stupid are stupid. I chose knowledge even if it increases my sorrow and pain. You are what destiny has made you. If none can know what lies ahead, then loosing one’s way is just human nature. The pain is heavy, but carrying it will make you stronger. This new strength will aid you in the protection of that which is important. I see this post was four years ago. Don’t know if you’ll see it. Hope you found what you ere looking for.

  11. I do not want a world of chaos and destruction. Its easy to embrace until you are the one out on the streets getting your head beaten in. This is unacceptable and I never asked to be put in a world like this. I am tired of the shit and I want God to put a stop to it.

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