A girl with no priorities

I have  overly protective, overly providing, overly loving parents. Need I say more? I am lucky and I am 21.

I have a new good job, good acads and still studying.  I get everything I want, need, wish for, often before I wanted/needed/wished for it.

I don’t drink or smoke or anything intoxicating and I am still virgin.

And all this feels good.

But is having a good family and everything you need enough?

I don’t have many friends. I am a loyalist and dependable.  I have some good friends and some mad people around me. Sometimes I have lost friends. I don’t feel bad for “losing them” but I feel bad for the time and effort I put into building those friendships.  Sometimes I miss those good times, but reconnecting is more like just occasional hi’s with people who aren’t worth it anymore. When things go wrong, it feels like I never had anyone and I lost everybody and I can’t bring myself to see the good around me.

Like the saying, we are often still looking at the closed door that we don’t see the new one that opened for us.

Yet I think of those silly mistakes, embarrassing moments and I can’t laugh it out. I feel insulted, humiliated and suicidal.  I feel like a loser to think of those people I so fondly and affectionately mixed with but I was just a time pass for them. A hang out material but no where close to a good friend.

I can give in the details but I am not in the mood to over-dramatize and make this sound too sad.

I feel embarrassed that I have so many things to be done. Responsibilities to take care of but I am hopelessly worrying about the lack of friends….instead of working or doing my studies or meeting the immediate deadlines and living up to my parents standards and my own.

I have had my own regrets and negative experiences that haunt me now and then and make me feel suicidal. Some fights with parents. Some with friends and relatives. It’s often a result of my idealism. I expect people to be loyal to me. Stick up for me. Honest to me. Transparency.

I would like to be believe I am a good person but if I retained very few close people and lost many, I can’t simply complain the world is bad, it perhaps means I am. Perhaps I am repulsive.

I have had suicidal thoughts especially when I’ve had fights with parents. Most of them were when I was in school (less than 17 years), after that I just had the thoughts but never had the guts. After school, life was more happening (both fun and humiliation together) yet I had a curiosity to see what tomorrow is like, so I didn’t feel suicidal but I feel so embarrassed  that I want to go away where no one can see me.

Maybe I don’t mind dying in a painless way but that’s wishing for too much. Life’s pains are more tolerable than painful death. But yet……….

I just hope someday I make friends who will stay with me forever. F.R.I.E.N.D.S.