i hate this world

December 2nd, 2009 by kbell

oaky…here it is…the unabridged truth…
i hate this world. i hate everything about it. i hate that it hurt me in ways i cannot even begin to describe. i hate that the damage the world’s screwed up people have had on me have left scars that don’t show…they don’t make me look crazy…but i am…those scars make me impossible to live with, and impossible to love. i didn’t cause this…i survived that…yet i bear the damage and it’s impossible to change enough to ever live in a happy life like so many other people do. i want off this planet. i want to open my skin and let me out. my little brother escaped by hanging…gosh i wish i had the guts…i want out of here…to go be with him.

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9 Responses to “i hate this world”

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  1. i hate this world too. this is something i used to say to myself, “do you know what i hate more than EVERYTHING IN THE WORLD? …nothing”

    but i don’t have to live like that anymore. God protects me from this place, and i don’t have to think of this world as my home. this world is just a stupid place that i gotta be at right now, it’s not at all where i’m staying or where i’m meant to be. God will take care of me, i know He will – but my worries are for others. please read my post: http://suicideproject.org/2009/12/please-read/ and take care.

  2. Today would have been my Sons 23rd Birthday. He hung himself Sept 26, 2009. First let me promise you that you are not unlovable. And know one has to even sence your pain and that pain can be very real. Your brother
    had something that caused him to Hang himself. Depression, Anxiety, Stress, Alchol, Drugs, Difficult Love relationsihp, the list goes on. One or more of these was probably plaguing his life. In an instant it gets away from you and in a terrible impulsive act you break the hearts of everyone around you. And I can also promise you that your brother would never had wanted you to follow him. He didn’t even know the pain he would cause. He just needed his pain to stop. Please tell your family what is wrong. I believe it is protracted grief. A few of my Sons friends are getting help. And everyday I worry about his two brothers. The horror for a parent to live thru it twice and I want them to have the life they have ahead of them. Experiences, Friends, School, Work, a Family, what ever they choose. That is what your family wants for you.
    I have been sick with Mental Illness since I as 14. I hav e been hospitalized three times. It was a long road bt with meds, therapy and work, Gods Grace, I am living and loving my family.

  3. I want out too.


  4. I hate the world but I don’t want suicide. I try to be a good man. But I am always failed with doom. I lose my job. I can’t live. I hate the world. I don’t want to suicide. I want to destroy this world…….. I hate it just like it hate me.

  5. I also hate this world, probably just as bad as you do, starting from day 1, my parents give me up to my grandparents, which is a good thing because neither of them are educated as of today and are losers IMO, i have a college education, i did end up graduating high school at 21 but better late than never, I’ve been a fire fighter, ems, er technician, phlebotomist you name it, people are attracted to my good heart and kindness and abuse it by harassing me and starting drama, thinking i am never gonna do anything, so i quit my jobs when i have a problem, even management wouldn’t help resolve issues, so my wife left me 3 times total, yes we are back together, she left about 2 or 3 months every time i guess to give me my space because the world had turned me into a monster, i was angry and abusive, never did drugs never drank alcohol except on occasion, i don’t get addicted to that kind of stuff, i got addicted to a game called world of Warcraft because it put me in a fantasy world where everything worked out for me and i had fans and i was a leader and successful but not in the real world, the real world was an image to me, my wife and my son were non existent and that was the problem, now today i am very supportive of my wife, i love my son, i still play games occasionally to relieve stress and get away but i know now when enough is enough, my wife loves me and she is a registered nurse and supports me while i am a stay at home dad, yea its pathetic go ahead and say that, but when you apply for 26 jobs in the last 90 days and not land any of them, mainly because of my lack of experience or length of time on previous jobs then whats a person to do, yea suicide sounds fucking awesome, but my son and my wife and my grandmother are all i have and they want me to be there for them, i couldn’t do it because of them, if you find something that you say that about then do it, it helps the urge to end it the easy way out, this life is hard, cruel and evil, God barely exists in the churches anymore and the rich and spoiled are taking over, i’m grateful for what i have and i know God is there for me still because he wouldn’t have given me a chance multiple times, i just wish he would speed things up for me because i’m emotionally exhausted, for a man to cry is a shame to see, well that’s me, because i cant provide for my family i have to watch my wife do it and work overtime to get us by, thanks society! and let me say with the up most disrespect fuck you, I’ve got a college education and cant do jack shit with it, so fuck the education system to, that’s why i give up on college and i’m going back to the only thing i do best, music, maybe that wild dream of becoming a successful musician one day will come true, sorry i typed alot but i had to tell it to someone.

  6. I do hate this place too , what bugs me is , basically
    this place don’t even exist . I don’t think dying will
    get me out . don’t know what to do

  7. I remember all those years when I knew that suicide was “a permanent solution for a temporary problem,” and heard those who claim suicide to be a sin that automatically sends you to hell. Bull fucking shit. Suicide doesn’t solve anything. Once you die, there’s nothing: no heaven, no hell, no afterlife, no reincarnation, just nothing. Claiming that those who commit suicide go to hell for doing so is just a ploy that the Church made somewhere along the way to scare people out of killing themselves. And in today’s age where more people are realizing that religion is a load of shit, there are more people committing suicide, and religious people are jumping on top of it as a reason to keep their religions that are even more fucked up now than when they started.

    But the fact that there is nothing after you die shouldn’t be taken as a reason to kill yourself, goddamnit. It’s a reason to stay alive. Things get better if you just give your life time. There’s always so much to live for, even if it doesn’t seem like it now.

    I know for some time I felt isolated. I was socially awkward but judged people I saw as being weirder than I was as not being worth spending time with. That was a big mistake that just made me more isolated, and pushed me into using the Internet as a way of getting the social contact I needed. The thought of suicide passed quickly through my head a few times, just ’cause, you know, all those stories of suicides made it seem like the norm when you get depressed. But like I said, I didn’t really think seriously about suicide.

    After some time, I started opening up more, talking to people more, but not actually hanging out with people outside of my family, school, Boy Scout troop, and church youth group (which I finally quit going to because of ideology, for better or worse). But I realized that many of the people who had seemed like my friends really weren’t, and I just sat with them at lunch out of the fear of going back to being that guy who sat alone. (If all those kids who were in my school had just come together and started sitting at the same table and talking with each other about their problems like we are right now, I wonder how different it would have been, and would be now. But there are kids I haven’t seen around for some time and I don’t know if they graduated, ran away, dropped out, moved, or pulled the trigger.)

    Anyway, eventually I pretty much hit rock bottom. I had a urinary issue (that’s still undiagnosed but under control as long as I don’t have too much soda or other acidic food/drinks) that made me leak small amounts (in reality, small drops) of urine in my pants that I couldn’t keep in, and I’d have the urge to go every 5-10 minutes. I took off school for a week as a “medical absence” (because that was the best way to describe it) because I couldn’t pay attention. I tried going back the next week because it’d started getting better, but I had to leave during the first class of the day because of the constant urinary urges. I took off another 6 days of school (2 weeks, 11 class days in all) before finally stepping up and accepting the fact that I had to get back to my classes or end up getting way behind, since I was in the honors program. When I went back, I still had to go constantly during class. Most people didn’t say anything to my face, but the guys who saw me in front of the urinal trying to get all the pee out (since I felt the urge constantly but it was unpredictable as to when any would actually come out) all thought that I was either masturbating or just standing there crying and thinking about how much my life sucked the whole time I was in the bathroom (the second being true part of the time). Whether I was or not, I felt even more like that guy that everyone thought was a “faggot,” “bitch-boy,” “loser,” etc. than I’d even been before, and like my reputation was below what it had been before when I was always quiet around everyone.

    Even after I’d gone four weeks with urinary urgency/incontinence and gotten back to normal, I still felt like shit. In addition to the social issues, homework had piled up because I didn’t give a flying fuck about it, and I had Fs in multiple classes for the quarter (whereas until my sophomore year of high school, the year before, I’d had straight As and Bs). There were multiple days that I drove myself home after school when my parents were at work and went to my room and slammed the door about 20 times in a row. (I finally stopped that after breaking the door frame and having to “fix” it and cover up the cracks with tape of a similar color, to avoid my parents noticing it and wondering. The basic job worked surprisingly well XD) I know that if I’d had a gun I would’ve done it, but like you (kbell) said, I didn’t have the balls to kill myself by hanging, stabbing, or ODing. The next day I couldn’t pay attention to anything because I was thinking seriously about killing myself (some psychotic scheme involving a gun and destruction of my dead body to avoid the financial burden my parents would have because of my funeral, I won’t elaborate more). I would think about additions to my stupid plan, and then about the people who liked me and would be coming to my funeral, and about the number of those who would only be coming out of pity for me. I also thought about the fact that I’d be proving the people who expected me to kill myself right, proving the people who expected me to kill myself now that I’d come out as an atheist on my Facebook wallfull of mostly Christian friends….

    I went home that day and just slept for hours when I got back. I learned to just quit giving a fuck what other people think, and to just do my own thing while still hanging out with people I was still close to. And I’m still here today, happy that I have opportunities that I hadn’t thought about before.

    The social isolation and need for a more “macho,” more “legit” alternative to the soft rock, pop, hip-hop, and classical I’d been raised on had pushed me (well before the events in the last 3 paragraphs) to get into heavy metal, which is still my favorite type of music nowadays (but not the only style I listen to: I sometimes listen to punk/hard/classic rock, and sometimes listen to songs or artists that grew on me before) and is an inspiration to play metal and rock on my guitar. (If anyone, not just kbell, PMs me what kind of music they like, I can send you some metal that you might enjoy even if you don’t go for the stereotypical yelling and screaming. :P) Even when I get depressed nowadays, the music helps me let out my anger sometimes and at other times think about how much I have to live for that I didn’t even think about before.

    The same can happen for you. If music’s not your thing, there’s art, dancing, skating, sports, writing, you name it, that are ways that you can escape from the world. You can always find ways of strengthening and repairing the bonds you’ve already got with people you know well, or meeting new people who might be your type.

    I’ll end with a link to a 1984 Metallica song that has lyrics and instrumentation that we can all relate to. The lyrics end with the guy killing himself, but the underlying message is that there’s more to life than meets the eye, even when you’re going through dark times. It’s gotten me through some tough times, and I know there are a lot of people who can say the same. It’s called “Fade to Black.”


  8. The difference with me is that what makes me really hate this world is not what has already happened or what’s happening now, no, is what I know is bound to happen. Sometimes I wonder, what ever super natural being or beings that created this world and decided this is how its suppose to run, (assuming its beings) were they doing it just for their entertainment, because if this is a joke, its really not funny or entertaining, when people I’m not close to die, I like to make my self not care, why, because if I start caring, I get very emotional, and start thinking to my self how it could easily be anyone of my loved ones, I live in constant fear, fearing that someone in my family might die, some times I even think of killing my self just to avoid that, but then I also think, if I kill my self, the pain that I’ll be trying to avoid, I will be bringing it straight to them, they’ll probably feel the exact pain that I would feel if it were them, I don’t believe in religions, but what I like about religions is that it gives people hope, and a reason to live, of course me I can see that its false hope, talking about how if you do good you will go to “heaven” when you die, lol, me I do good out of the goodness of my heart, not because I’m trying to please some stupid “god”, telling you staff like all the bad things that happen in life are caused by the “devil”, ohhh, that is messed up, if bad things like death don’t happen in life, this world won’t survive, that’s how it keeps its balance, see, so whatever created this world created it in such a way that good and bad things bring balance to this world. if I were “god”, I would kill pain in people, because me I don’t really see any good reason why people have to feel pain, if I were “god”,and decide to bring pain, I would make only those who deserve to feel pain feel it, and make those who deserve happiness live the rest of their lives blissfully, see, my world would be the real heaven, I’m sorry if there any religious people in this site, but I think the best way to understand this world is to first understand how others feel. All of u people in here feel pain, unimaginable pain, that means you are capable of great love, in my world, I would make all of you the first generation, hoping you will spread the love.

  9. I red your thoughts, today is exactly one year from the day you posted, I was wondering how you’re feeling

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