i can’t stand it anymore

February 20th, 2010 by vkay

There was a time in my life when I wasn’t such a pathetic loser… a point in time where I was happy and had no real worries about anything. I was blissfully oblivious of the fact that other kids were making fun of me because of my immense weight. I have always struggled with my weight, and right now I’m about 185 lbs, give or take.

I want to commit suicide because I can’t stand being here anymore. Nobody loves me. Nobody cares about me, besides my family, but they don’t count. They’ve known me for all 19 years of my miserable existence, and sure they would be sad if I killed myself, but honestly their opinions don’t matter to me. I want someone who’s outside of my family to care about me… Someone who didn’t change my diapers.

I have no friends, no job, no lover… I sit around at home all day, smoke weed, and try to make my life interesting. Whenever I text someone “Do you want to hang out?” they either usually don’t reply or reply with an excuse as to why they can’t. I thought maybe they were legitimately busy, but it turns out they were just avoiding me. Everyone avoids me. If it’s not on purpose, it’s because I’m invisible to them. I am a worthless human being and don’t deserve to live… I have a few years yet, but I’ve figured it’s the only way to do it without possibly failing. When I turn 21 I am going to buy a handgun and shoot myself in the head.

After all, nobody cares about me. I’m nothing but a waste of space. I deserve to die, for how mean I have repeatedly acted in the past.

I’m excited, but a part of me is unhappy because I basically have to wait a whole other two years in order to buy a handgun. I know I can legally buy a shotgun now, but I’m not sure how big the shell has to be in order for it to effectively end your life. I’m afraid I might mess up and end up with my face blown off, instead of being dead like I want to be. I could hang myself from my ceiling fan, but I’m afraid that the weight of me would be too much and cause the fan to fall on top of me, crippling me rather than ending my life. I’m also afraid that the fan isn’t that high, and instead of breaking my neck, I’ll just strangle myself and get brain damage.

I don’t want to go on living anymore. It’s too difficult to get anything right. I’ve always been a failure, and I will continue to be a failure for the rest of my life if I don’t end it right now.

I wish I could have killed myself when I was in Atlanta. It would have been a good end.

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5 Responses to “i can’t stand it anymore”

Most recent comments shown, ordered chronologically on the page.

  1. don’t do it.

  2. It’s good to know that there are others who feel what I feel. I’m also hurt by people who don’t care about me or avoid me. You’re not alone and I care about you. Believe it or not, you would much rather be happy than shoot yourself(that will hurt a lot). You can cope with your pain by not caring about other people. They are not important. Find something you enjoy and do it to keep yourself not bored.

  3. I know how you feel, but why not take those two years and make a radical change in your life and see where that leads you? Give up the weed, get a job, start exercising, eat healthy food, just basically change all the things you loathe about yourself. I did. It was either that or remain a miserable, unhappy person until I took the final exit. Seriously, what have you got to lose? As for me, it didn’t fix EVERYTHING in my life, but things got way better. First and foremost, my self image improved as did my mental health. As I started to like myself better, I become a little more confident when dealing with other people. Yes, there are still those a**holes who love to kick a dog when he’s down, but I’ve found one good friend, and boy that makes all the difference. If you just sit there, nothing will change. You have to make it happen. What have you got to lose?

  4. If you are legitimate and not someone posting to get attention from vulnerable people who are in bad situations then there is a way out. You can change the shit situation you are going through. Get a job and save some money, if diesn’t have to be much but I reckon about a 1000 dollars over 2 years is ok then travel abroad. Make a foreign friend in an English speaking country. Makd them aware of your thoughts and feelings and live with them. It will remove you from all your local problems and if leave you removed enough from your comfort zone to really Experiance somethings that could change your out look. If you want to meet someone in the uk e-mail me a simonbarratt43221@hotmail.com I’m not a weirdo just been through some hard times when I seperated from my Misses and have never felt so low which is what brought me to this site. I feel almost the opposite of you ie I am worthless rather than if is the world that is wrong which is what interests me about your perspective on life

  5. Stop complaing. Kids get abuse everyday and still don’t whine as much as you. Start working out and build muscle so instead of being fat you will be muscular. Whether you believe in hell or not, that where u are going to go if u kill yourself and I promise you it will be much worse and it won’t end. Your family are the only ones that matter. Who gives a damn if others don’t want to chill. Start finding friends who want to chill with you. Turn to god and everything will be better. Peace

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