It never ends
February 6th, 2010 by jenerikI always cycle through 3 moods. It starts with apathy, my ‘normal’ mood. I don’t feel shitty, I don’t feel great. I’m just existing, nothing else. Then I switch into anger cycle. Everything pisses me off and I feel like butchering everyone who talks to me. It always ends with the depression cycle, which is where I am now. Every time I reach this cycle, it gets worse. It always hits me like a brick and I feel this is the last time I can tolerate it. I can’t think of a reason I feel this terrible, I just do. I feel like I’m addicted to misery, like I’m not meant to be happy ever. I feel so isolated from everyone. I befriend people at work or school but the second I quit or finish I never see them again and once again I’m alone. This year for my birthday, no one remembered. When I reminded my closest ‘friends’, they were all too busy. I didn’t want a party, cake or presents; I wanted company. I spent my birthday smashed out of my mind, alone and punching walls. Things haven’t gotten much better since then, I’ve slashed my legs up when I can’t stand the misery. I did it again just an hour ago without even realizing it. I really can’t stand another cycle of this hell. I’m going to get up tomorrow like any normal day, head to the liquor store, buy a couple bottles of my favorite whiskey and guzzle it down at home. Hopefully no one will find me in time.
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February 6th, 2010 at 7:30 pm
Whiskey can cure the soul.. Don’t do it. Someone will find you. I cant think of a reason to feel this terrible either and last night when I came home I started wishing for death again. But that which doesnt kill you makes you stronger.
February 10th, 2010 at 1:47 am
im here to talk to so i better hear from you i understand!!!
e-mail-mkafan12@yahoo.com
February 10th, 2010 at 12:47 pm
i agree with BloodDreamer. I know the quick relief only a razor can bring and i know the pain of knowing you’ve been forgotten. I also know that a failed suicide attempt wont give you a revelation. im not saying you shouldnt do it. that would make me a hypocrie then, considering i just had a failed attempt. I was just luky no one found me.
February 10th, 2010 at 7:55 pm
77evergone77- I’m going to have to disagree with you. A failed suicide attempt changed my entire life. Suicide is personal- we can relate with each other, but we cannot tell another person what to do with it. We can merely guide them with personal experience. A failed suicide attempt most certainly gave me a revelation. In fact, it gave me the most powerful revelation of all- I am worth it.
February 11th, 2010 at 12:15 am
sarah200782- whatever.
February 11th, 2010 at 1:29 pm
no, sarah200782 is right.