kisses kept are wasted

fuck fuck fuck it all. i cried myself into a laughing hysteria and smashed the mirror with my bare hands. Fucking reflection. fucking animal. fuck you. it was early. perhaps 10 or 11 and i was bent on killing myself. there was an Intense discomfort inside myself and i was crawling out of my skin at last. I’m alive. fuck. “just die already you piece of shit” i thought to myself. The pain and scars from molestation, being held at gunpoint, constant abuse, anorexia, self harm, self acceptance. it all came down to this. i was wrapping a wool blanket around my head until i was unconcious. I was going to suffocate myself to death. I started standing and then as the blanket prevented air from entering my lungs i collapsed from lack of oxygen. i was beautiful, i was smart, i was loved, i was talented, i was everything that i wanted to be. it was the most comfort i had felt in a very, very, very long time. i was free. i’d give anything to feel that way again, but that is impossible. im still the same piece of shit as before. i felt my last breath drawing near in my subconscience, but then i heard one voice. his. “don’t die on me” he said. and with the little strength i had left i gathered myself enough to rip the blanket off of my face. i still want to die to this day.