My life is actually not that bad; I have few major tragedies, no horrible history, no awful circumstances. But what I do have is a level of self-loathing beyond what almost anyone could imagine. I hate myself completely and throughout every day my internal monologue berates me, telling me how worthless and pathetic I am, what a failure I’ll always be. Funny enough, I’m somewhat successful; I’m a good student, I have talents and skills, and I’m a reasonably kind person. But none of that matters because at the deepest level I understand that I am a piece of shit. It’s one of the most excruciating feelings in the world; I’ve had it for years and years now and I don’t think it will stop anytime soon.
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I know saying this us a total clishe and probably annoying but: I actually understand. I know what it’s like to get an A+ and want to rip it up because I don’t deserve it. Or to look in the mirror and hate what I see so much I want it dead. Will you talk to me?
Sure, at least you get where I’m coming from. I have so little actual care for anything in my life that I end up destroying everything good I make.
I can so relate. I’ve done a lot of good things in my life, but it seems like I am nothing but a huge failure. Even though I’m nice and I’m a good friend, I constantly worry that people don’t like me or that they talk behind my back. I can hardly stand the sight of my face in the mirror anymore. I want to have more friends yet I can hardly see why anyone would want to be my friend. Maybe my own hate is a reflection of how I think others see me. Judging by the way they act. I think they hate me too.
People constantly claim that I’m a good person and a worthwhile friend but it never really sinks in with me. It’s not that I don’t believe them, but I can’t internalize anything they say.
Hey I have much the same problem; okay I do have the dark past, and my living situation feels like a trap, and I am older than you cuz I’m 38, been so for just over one week… but the self loathing/hatred I feel is almost totally overwhelming at times! Haha and people say oh gosh you’re harsh on yourself, there’s no need to be. They obviously don’t get it, I can’t help it…
My advice is if you do choose to live then ffs don’t get to my age, which actually isn’t that far down the track, and seek help from a qualified therapist… cuz trust me, it’s a bummer to live with for this long. And *sighs* after a while it can become too deep-seated for anyone to help fix.
I agree fully with both if you. I feel so fake somtimes and hate myself even more fir that. I’m s horrible actress but I still try to hide everything and I can’t seem to make new friends. I can only loose old ones. It seems my only purpose right now is to be used as a stepping stool. But I’m breaking under the weight. You would thong with this much pain I would b tendered in capable of apathy or nonchalantness. Oh fuck. See? I can’t Say anything anymore withought adding somthng about me hating me.
Ex: “the weather is wonderful today. I wonder how many ways I could ruin today, even with the weather? What do you think?”
I suck.(there I go again)
I had a similar post like that:
http://suicideproject.org/2009/12/perfect-life/
And it feels worse, because you feel guilty when you think you shouldn’t. The horrible facade that everything is alright, and that you like yourself buries deeper. One day you know the “shit” will hit the fan, and no one will understand why you are unhappy.
I get this way every once in a while.
When the “shit” did hit the fan (currently it’s doing so), I felt better. When I decided I should trust what people say, I felt better. When I decided to get help I felt better.
Feel free to email me if you want.
I’ve thought of dropping my act many times. But then my mom goes an says somthing like “you’d better not be self injuring again. God forbid I see anymore scars”
lifes just like that. You should pull through and fight your hardest. I know what it’s like to lose a battle with yourself or to be crushed by yourself. But remember I dint hate you and neither do most of the people on this site.
77evergone77, my email is allthecolorsofthedark0@gmail.com, drop me a line.
I would absolutely love to. But my parents give me no privacy and I wouldn’t want to subject you to their prying eyes and somtimes cruely terse judgements. Also. I’m way to much of a “scaredy-cat” to give personal info to anyone. But there still is a possibility that I will.