Attempted again and failed :(

Hi emochick. I’ve tried several times, and it seems like my body has a built-in drive to live, no matter no miserable and tired I am. I don’t have any wisdom or religion; I only have empathy with others who want the end and a little experience with failure and where that can get you. How to do it? I tried carbon monoxide in the car, slicing key blood vessels(couldn’t bring myself to cut deeply enough), and hanging myself. Lately I visualize running and jumping off a local bridge–the fall is at least 100 feet to asphalt. Can’t do it, though. I suspect that until you’re 100% committed to dying, only luck will get you there. The key blood vessels in your neck are protected by thick, strong muscle and other connective tissue, and they slip around if you try to cut into them. Carbon monoxide poisoning, contrary to my former belief, is not painless–my heart pounded, I got sick and my head hurt a lot. Hanging by the neck, even for less than a second, is excruciating. If you fail, you could be sent to a facility that may or may not be more chaotic and unstable than what’s going on in your head. I went to good ones and bad ones–both of the bad ones were intake places run by the counties–they were loud, and one was very bright and cold. At the other bad one, someone took a dump on the floor in a hallway, and no one cleaned it up for like 1/2 an hour.

I’m lucky because I have some people helping me to cope with existence more peacefully–not that I like it. I hope you can find peace, whatever you decide to do. I think life sucks, and I’m angry a lot, but I’m learning to do things with my mind–simple stuff I’m getting from my therapist, that seems to decrease emotional pain for me. I’ve read several postings on this site and I can relate to some of the painful thoughts and feelings, especially self-hate. Sorry if I’m just babbling, but I hope any of this helps with the pain. Some people are helping me with my pain, so I’m trying to pass it on. I don’t want to do anyone’s thinking or make anyone’s choices for them, so I hope I haven’t said anything here that can be taken that way. I’d just like to express that I can relate to the pain we’re all trying to stop by trying to die, and I hope that we all reach a more peaceful place in ourselves. If you want me to be more specific about the help I’m getting, please reply. Thanks for reading this. I wish better feelings for you.