You are always free to add me on www.facebook.com/theycallmemanhattan I could always use more insightful minds on my list. This “note” is something that I wrote about a year ago, very broad, but I understand that for some parts the organization has suffered. I haven’t completed this, nor have I fixed all of the grammatical mistakes, however I believe that if you feel suicidal, this is something you should read. It’s fair and true. Thankyou.
Suicide
Why would anyone ever even consider suicide? Better yet, why would anyone even think about it at all? What could possibly be so bad that would make someone think that they had to end their life? Presumably, any problem could be fixed or worked out over time, so is suicide then a cowardly, lazy-man’s way out? Perhaps it is considered because the person is engulfed with thoughts of hopelessness, stress, and worry. Let’s assume that the problem is clearly able to be solved. Is it then just carelessness for one to kill himself? Is there ever a justification for killing one’s self, and if so, what is it?
These are all questions that I pondered over and over again when I was feeling suicidal. I was looking for justification of my thoughts. I was looking for an excuse to go through with killing myself while at the same time looking for a reason not to. I was confused about my intentions, but certain about my pain. I felt that I needed to substantiate my pain both to myself and to others so that my conscious would be free and allow me to go through with suicide. I believe that I valued substantiating it simply because people were always tendentious toward anyone commiting suicide. It bothered me that no one even cared to consider one’s circumstances to make their conclusion. For this reason, I found people to be close-minded, at least toward this matter. Because so many people disagreed with suicide (and therefore disagreed with me), I wondered if I was the one that was wrong. Maybe my thoughts were just irrational. I wasn’t convinced of this because my rationale had logic and reasoning, although the outcome was recognized as destrucive behavior.
Out of all the questions you can ask about suicide, one thing is always certain: It is a means to an end. It is an end to life and consequently and end to the pain. Commiting suicide would mean that you would no longer have to continue suffering. You wouldn’t have to worry about how much longer the pain would last, how to resolve your problems, or how to handle the next obstacle. Any and all problems would be completely eradicated. Ofcourse, any pleasures you had would also be eliminated, but apparently those pleasures in no way outweighed the pain. Essentially, yes, I suppose it would be a cowardly act then, wouldn’t it? You can’t bear the pain so you choose to die because it’s too much to handle. But if fear of being a coward is something on your mind while thinking about killing yourself, think about why that has value to you. Generally this would be considered an insignifigant inhibiter. If you sincerely do want to die, particularily by your own hand, why would such a petty thing like being portrayed as a coward hold you back? Afterall, even if you will be deemed a coward, you won’t be around to experience it, so why worry? If it’s on your mind and you are worrying about it, it means that you’re probably not ready to kill yourself. Better yet, it may mean that suicide is definately not for you. This is one way to recognize if you are genuinely willing and ready to die. I imagine that most suicides aren’t done with such preceeding alalysis, but if one wishes to be pure of thought and free of guilt, one must first prove to one’s self that it is a wise decision.
While you’re thinking about your justification, think about how sensible it would or wouldn’t be. If able to be identified, what is the primary reason for you to want to die? It’s the overwhelming pain, but what is causing the pain? Is that reason substantiated well enough? In other words, is the pain really that bad? You must assess your decision of suicide by basing it on on pain, consequences, and options. You have to meausure the pain you feel and decide if it’s severe enough to not possibly tolerate any longer. You also have to consider the consequences that the pain has burdened you with. You must also take into account the available options you have as a means of getting better. Besides pain felt, have you found yourself in difficult predicaments because pain was a distraction from your task at hand? One example would be an inability to work, or work efficiently. The pain may hold you back from getting a promotion, a raise, a better job, or doing a good job, by occupying your mind with destructive thoughts. The pain and suffering can steal value away from everything. In a manic state, family, friends, career, finances, housing, etc. could have no meaning. The pain is dominant and it seems as though nothing else exists when you are in a particularily vulnerable state of mind. After the manic state ends, you then feel guilty about not caring about or valuing those things that you otherwise would. You might also see the damage you’ve done such as losing a job because you were insubordinate or unattentive, or what have you. Suppose you find yourself in a manic state, filled with anger, sorrow, or any extreme negative emotion. At this time you are conscious of your values and you try to remain focused on your goals, although now facing a handicap. Unfortunately, others don’t typically understand or excuse this behavior as a means for not being on task. So even if you are still wary of your values and you intend to act on them in a positive way, the emotional hysteria is often too crippling to really be able to influence anything in your life in a positive way. Being aware of this, you feel worse and you are now able to add “guilt” to your list of crippling thoughts.
If enough time passes, living with suicidal thoughts turns into a way of living; a lifestyle. Although you get used to the lifestyle, it doesn’t make it acceptable, just tolerable. After enough time passes, you may see suicide as more of an expectation than simply a lifestyle. Living with suicidal thoughts can be a lifestyle where you do your best to adapt and continue to try and live a normal life the best you can. It’s basically a handicap. I’m saying that if you live with this handicap long enough, it starts to become more of a reality than a handicap and instead of thinking about getting better you will be prone to think that there must be some validity in your thoughts, thus encouraging you to commit suicide. Thinking about it so long can make it seem like it’s an inevitability.
Most people have a bias against suicide. The people that are bias in this way would say they need no justification; it is the right way to feel about it. Although people generally have sympathy for it, they don’t condone it. It isn’t certain if thinking negatively about someone taking their own life is a human predisposition or if it is something that is simply not culturally accepted. In other words, is it in our human nature to despise suicide, are we born with it, or were we raised to think negatively about suicide? Maybe it’s a little bit of both. Afterall, no other animal besides a human being will intentionally kill itself. That’s actually an argument that a lot of people like to use to dissuade others from killing themselves. They claim that it’s not normal to kill yourself. All “animals” are supposed to want to live and and if you don’t feel that way then there must be something wrong with your thinking. They basically suffice their argument around an idea that is supposedly genetically implemented in your head as an animal upon birth. What is often forgetten is that a human being is much different from a typical animal. A human is capable of critical thinking and a sundry amount of emotions and ideas that any other animal would be incapable of experiencing. Humans are more intelligent as well, so to classify them the same as any other living thing in this respect is not a fair contention. There are lot more complications a human must deal with than simply surviving. These factors are quite obviously recognized then as the reasons behind the suicidal thoughts.
Humans throughout history have killed themselves and although it is an action done by the minority of people, couldn’t it still be deemed a form of normal behavior? Why not? It has been documented throughout history that humans do this. No, the vast majorority of them do not, but the ones that do keep a cycle of this behavior going from generation to generation, thus making it practically an alternative means to an end. It’s just not socially accepted as normal behavior. I’m not saying that I think it should be accepted as normal behavior, but I think that people need to recognize that suicide is something that many people decide to act on. Before devoloping negative bias against it, people need to recognize that feeling suicidal is nothing new. I do understand, however, why it isn’t considered normal behavior. Typically, when people commit suicide, they aren’t ofa sound conscious. They are distressed, anxious, worried, or what have you, and thus aren’t capable of rationale that would otherwise be used. For this reason, not being able to think clearly, suicide is not deemed in any way a form of normal behavior.
Another negative bias of suicide is that it is often deemed selfish. It is considered by many to be a selfish act. Apparently, anyone that kills themself is selfish for not thinking about how it will affect the people left behind. This is especially true when immediate family, including children, are left behind; particularily children who were financially dependent. There are several ways of looking at suicide in this respect. Not every suicide is a selfish act, but some perhaps are. As with any factor about suicide, every case is different. There is no universal “law” that states absolutes about suicide.
Suppose you are feeling suicidal. You share your feelings with a family member who then tells you that it would be selfish for you to do such a thing. One thing you have to keep in mind is that they may not sincerely believe that it’s selfish, and if they do, they probably aren’t thinking about the idea that it’s selfish when telling you that. This statement is used as a dissuader. It is used to make one rethink suicide and hopefully discourage them from doing it. I think it is a great thing to say to someone who is suicidal for this reason. Let’s have two possibile conclusions to think about after telling someone that it’s selfish:
Conclusion 1: Because of what you said (probably along with other factors as well), they don’t kill themselves. At this point you are typically able to gain a pretty knowledegeable perspective on the pain they were experiencing. It may have been severe, but their intentions for suicide were not necessarily sincere. It is not something they felt was the best choice. It may even be fair to say that their initial pain wasn’t so severe afterall. How could it have been if something petty like worrying about being selfish prevented them from doing it? Well it wasn’t really the thought of being selfish, though. It was the knowledge that family and friends would be hurt. So the thought of others being hurt was apparently overwhelming enough to prevent them from suicide. Essentially, guilt and compassion was able to override misery and hopelessness. Several things need to be taken into account, however. How close was the person to family and friends? How old was the person (a young teenager would generally be more susceptable to guilt than a 35 year-old man)? Especially if the person was not very close with his family, it can then be reasonably concluded that their intentions on suicide were not sincere. The pain must have not been that terrible if they’re willing to continue living with it just so that they don’t inconvenience others. Now alive and with suicide no longer an option, it isn’t even relevent to know if they are still in pain or not. They’re decision is the only evidence you need in this respect. Be wary, because their decision can be reversed at any time.
Conclusion 2: Despite what you said, they kill themselves. Your statements may or may not have influenced them, but apparently the content of what you said or the fact that it came from you was not valuable enough. You feel guilty because you feel there was more you could’ve done to prevent it. If you’ve explained to them that it’s selfish and they still kill themselves anyway, one of two things must be true. Either they really are selfish (which is inprobable) or their pain was apparently great enough to justify their action (as far as justifying suicide goes). If they were touched by what you said and still killed themselves anyway, might that be an indicator of the severity of their misery? Perhaps they thought deeply about it beforehand. Perhaps they weighed the pros and cons. They figured if they don’t kill themselves they will continue to suffer, but family and friends will not be hurt. If they do kill themselves, they will be relinquished of all pain and not bear witness to their family’s grieving. They may have even decided that all the grieving combined couldn’t possibly be as intense and their own pain, so it would stand to reason that suicide be the best option if they can’t tolerate the pain any longer. If you completely understand the severity of one’s pain after they commit suicide and still decide that it was selfish, think about this: Might it perhaps be a bit selfish of you to deem it selfish? Couldn’t you be selfish for telling them that it’s selfish? You are basically telling that person to continue suffering so that you and others are not inconvenienced or hurt. Doesn’t that sound a bit selfish? Ofcourse, when you say this you also believe that if they continue to live they will get better at some point. If absolutely nothing awaited them but a lifetime of misery with no hope of getting better, would you still request that they don’t kill themselves? A situation such as this, where nothing but misery is to look forward to, could only be proven true if they had some sort of terminal physical illness because it is able to be recognized as permanent unlike a mental struggle. Why is your judgement about whether they should continue living or not more valid than theirs? Even if you are very sure that they will get better in the future, how does that make you right in contending that they must continue to live to get to that point or else they are selfish? Quite possibly, the person debating suicide has already thought about this. Even if they have, you will not see their judgement as rational because you believe that if they feel suicidal, they are are not thinking clearly. But suppose that they are aware that in the future they can and will get better, yet still decide that suicide is their option of choice. What could possibly explain this? Irrational thinking? Impatience? It’s not hopelessness because they know they can get better, so what is it? It may very well simply be the act of giving up. Realizing that they can get better, they no not of when this will occur, nor if it is certain. It’s a matter of deciding whether more pain is worth an ideal outcome. An equation can demonstrate this way of thinking. “X+T=R”. X equals a degree of pain that is likely to increase over time. T equals an unknown amount of time in which the person must live and suffer. R equals ritcheousness. A person must figure that they will go through a degree of pain, presumably intense, for an unknown amount of time to get an ideal result that isn’t even guaranteed. Especially if the person has used this rationale in the past, using it over and over again over several years would lead one to lose persistence on living, wouldn’t you agree?
There’s a certain trend I’ve noticed while talking with people about this. Almost all of them admit “I don’t care how much pain I would be going through. I would never give up. I would always look for a way to get better.” These people never experienced suicidal thoughts, but I wanted their input to see how a regular person might handle or view the matter. After their statement I figured out a couple reasons as to why they’d say such a thing. One possibility is that they knew that I was suicidal and therefore showed no condonance to suicide by demonstrating that they themselves would never even consider doing such a thing. Another possibility is that they sincerely believe that they would never give up, but have never gone through such a struggle, therefore not really knowing how they would handle it. I believe that in most cases, if one goes through enough pain, one would at least consider giving up. Their beliefs that they wouldn’t give up are sincere, but the truth of it is false, in my opinion.
After stating my case and hearing responses similar to this, I told a story to better illustrate my perception of pain and time dealt with it. The story goes as follows:
Imagine that you are locked in a 6’X 6′ cell for 24 hours a day. The contents of the cell are a toilet, a sink with soap, and one sheet; no bed or pillows. You are fed enough to survive. There are no props to amuse yourself in the cell. Everyday for 1 hour, a man comes into your cell and delivers lashes to your back. The pain is severe, but the damage is minimal enough to not kill you or make you susceptable to an infection. Everyday this process is repeated. After a few years, the man who issues you the beatings comes up to your cell with a proposal. He gives you 2 choices. The first choice is that he can give you instant death right now and you will feel no more. The second choice is that your daily procedure will be continued for an unknown amount of time and that he may free you one day. Which one would you pick?
This story is one that I made up to better illustrate the equation I talked about earlier (X+t=R). It is obviously an exaggerated form of it, but most people aren’t capable of understanding it until this example. Still, after this example, people claim that they’d pick the second choice and continue with that lifestyle because it allowed for a possibility of getting out. I was flabbergasted. These people were basically telling me that nearly an eternity of suffering is worth even a small amount of time being happy. I didn’t think that their responses were genuine. I was convinced that they didn’t put enough thought into it, especially after answering right away, and that if they were to live that lifestyle as a reality their perspective would change. I figured even if they genuinely meant it when they said they’d pick choice 2, that was their choice and I might as well respect it. Some people really would pick choice 2 I imagine. I’m not one of those people. It’s a bit frustrating when you talk about suicide to someone who thinks this way though, because by them having this viewpoint, you feel that no matter what you say you are perceived as wrong in feeling suicidal. In otherwords, to these people, nothing could ever substantiate killing yourself.
A very popular phrase people use to discourage suicide is, “suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.” It is absolutely a permanent solution, but not necessarily to a temporary problem. Especially if the problem be of perception, what evidence would suggest that your perception would change? A person’s perception, be it accurate or not, is always the motivating factor behing suicide anyway, so if that perception be of great enough influence, what would
I suppose that’s a fair statement, really. What is there to say that’s positive about someone commiting suicide? The way I looked at it, the only positive thing which was the only thing that mattered, was that it ended one’s pain. That, and that alone was generally enough to justify it, assuming that the pain was severe enough. The only problem is convincing others that pain was substantial enough, which I believe can be an impossible task, depending on your audience. The person commiting suicide is the only one that can know for sure if their pain is great enough to do that. What defines “great enough?” Well, half of it is extremely severe pain (depression) and the other half of it is time dealt with it. If you’ve only been suffering for a short amount of time (less than a year) then I don’t believe that it is wise to kill yourself. It is probably likely that you will get better, and get better soon. I don’t condone suicide if it is done on an impulse. Some teenager who just broke up with his girlfriend, comes home, and hangs himself is not something I clap my hands about. As a matter of fact, I don’t clap my hands about anyone killing themselves, but in a lot of cases, most cases, I am sympathetic and I do understand and condone it if one so chooses to do that. Someone who does it on an impulse didn’t give it any time or thought and quite frankly did something stupid.
I don’t really view suicide as selfish, either, though I can see how it is looked upon that way. Before deciding if it’s selfish or not, you have to understand the particular case. If you make a general statement that any suicide is selfish then it’s probably true that you haven’t investigated the matter thorougly to come up with fair reasoning for such a statement. A lot of people believe that it is selfish because it hurts loved ones who have to deal with the pain of the loss. This is a reasonable contention, however this ideology relies on a principle that doesn’t require thinking that would surpass the abstract of the matter. There are variables to consider. Suppose the person who commited suicide pondered this idea beforehand, realizing that it would in fact hurt his family, his friends, etc.. Yes, it could have been a selfish act. Usually I would judge it on being selfish or not by the thought-process used to carry it out. What if the person realized it would hurt others, but at the same time assessed that his own pain was far too extreme to bear any longer? Perhaps this person also assessed that his own pain was worse than the guilt he would feel in carrying it out. Afterall, the guilt would end with his life. Isn’t it just as fair for a suicidal person to accuse people that claim it’s selfish of being selfish themselves? Think about it….By telling someone that commiting suicide is a selfish act because it will hurt you and others, aren’t you being selfish? You are basically asking that person to continue living and suffering so that you are not inconvenienced. Generally when such things are said it is with the hope that the suicidal person will get better. The person feeling suicidal is not convinced that such a thing will happen, nor is he willing to continue trying any longer. Here’s something else to think about: Suppose that you have a friend that is ready to kill himself. You don’t tell him that it would be selfish but you tell him that it would hurt you very much and you wish with all your heart that he doesn’t do it. You explain that you and others would be dramatically affected if he did this. Because of what you said, he doesn’t kill himself. This is what I call a wonderful example of salvation, although it also diminishes a lot of credibility toward the initial pain he was going through. At this point, though, no one really cares about that. But if continuing to live and presumably continuing to suffer (at least for a while) just to please someone else or fear of hurting others is reason enough to live then it must also mean that the initial pain felt was perhaps not so great afterall. Apparently the thought of hurting others was able to override the initial pain. It was able to inhibit you from suicide. How long can this go on, though? If the initial pain is not treated or eradicated then it will only be a matter of time before assessing the value of loved ones compared to the initial pain is done again. This process can be continued several times. A new cycle of this thinking typically both ends and begins when the person is broken down and crying while debating whether to live or die. Although this trend can be constant, it doesn’t mean that after enough time passes, suicide will be inevitable. If the person uses this type of assessment and doesn’t commit suicide, it still can’t be concluded that the person found hurting loved ones to be worse than the initial pain. Some people simply don’t posess the mindset to kill themselves. Living can be extremely hard when the person feeling suicidal views suicide as selfish, themselves. If this principle is strong enough to prevent it, it can make the person feel as though there is no escape from the pain. They must deal with it. In some cases, where this principle is reason enough to not commit suicide, it can’t be concluded that the initial pain loses credibility.
Certain cases vary but typically if an outside source, such as a friend of family member, is able to touch you in this way it means that you weren’t as distressed as you may have thought.
The pain may very well override the principle, however the person will not even consider suicide because of it. Suicide would be like an option that they never knew existed. Here is an example I use to illustrate this point:
A nine-year old boy name Tim is extremely depressed. He is both physically and sexually abused by his father. Tim doesn’t have too many friends and his father, being his only parent, does not allow Tim to leave the house except for school. This has been Tim’s lifestyle for the last 3 years. He cries almost every night without anyone to talk to and without any feeling of hope.
Another boy with similar circumstances named Bobby, also nine years old, is also extremely depressed. Bobby has only one parent, a father, who also beats and molests him on a regular basis. Bobby also cries but unlike Tim, thinks about killing himself.
So who’s going through more pain?
One thing to remember is that there should never be a competition about who goes through more pain. If such a competition exists, I would hope to lose everytime. It is important to recognize not who is going through more pain, but rather, why we may make an assumption on who is going through more pain based on the information we are given. Most people, when asked this question, said that Bobby was going through more pain, simply because he felt suicidal, unlike Tim. This is not a fair judgement, though, because the degree of pain in which each one felt can’t be known. It is easy to assume that if one is feeling suicidal and has lost reason to live that that must be worse than just a case of severe depressionl; however severe it may be. It’s particularily important to note the age of the two children in this example. Each are nine years old. The reason Bobby felt suicidal is because at some point in his life he was introduced to the concept of death and suicide. He was aware of what it was, by what means it can be carried out, and obviously why one would need to do it. Tim was unaware of suicide’s existence. He may have been aware that people die, but he knew not that people do, or are capable of killing themselves. This concept was never introduced to him, thus not allowing him to feel suicidal. In all fairness, Tim may actually be going through more pain than Bobby. In all likelihood, he may very well be going through more pain because the idea of suicide doesn’t exist, therefore not giving him that option of escape from his pain.
This same rationale can be applied to anyone of any age; not just children. The idea of suicide may not even enter certain peoples’ minds because of their scrupulous religious views, family values, etc. It isn’t as if they debate the value of ending their pain with suicide compared to breaking a principle; it simply isn’t even considered.
Usually when I think of suicide as selfish it’s because of monetary value for a family. If a man kills himself and leaves his wife and kids behind and they were financially dependent on him, then to a degree it is a selfish act. What if you knew the extent of his pain, though and you even agreed yourself that it was absolutely horrible and you would not want to live with it either? Knowing that he has a family to support you would probably then suggest that he seek help. What do you tell him if he has been seeking help for the past few years, though? What if he’s tried a sundry amount of things such as therapy, medication, change in career, change in certain habits, etc.? At this point the only responses people will give are “try something else” or “keep trying it.” Well let’s assume that you’ve tried nearly everything and if anything is going to make you better, it’s something you’ve already tried. You decide that therapy and medication have the highest probability of being successful factors that make you better. You continue to invest time in them. Years go by and you can honestly say that you have done your best to get better but it is apparent that you are either getting worse or not getting better. At what point are people no longer validated when they tell you to continue trying? Because by saying that they are also asking you to continue suffering.
Now let’s say you take peoples’ advice and try all sorts of treatments including therapy and medication. You were thinking about suicide before and you’re still thinking about it but with some hope that these new factors will “cure” you. Everyone’s different but it shouldn’t take too long for that hope to diminish more and more as time goes on and you see no results. Right now the only thing that is keeping you from suicide is the hope that your treatments, change of lifestyle, family, friends, doing nothing, etc. will end the pain. Ultimately you’re relying on time to be in your favor. The sooner the result, the better. What happens if you have the wits to last through it for 10-20 years, though? Suppose you went through major depression and suicidal thoughts for 20 years. You are now no longer feeling that way. You are now essentially happy. Was it worth it? When I bring this hypothetical scenerio up everyone always says that “yes, it is worth it.” What that tells me is that people must believe that nearly an eternity of suffering is worth a moment of happiness. I don’t agree with that, but I suppose it’s really up to the individual.
If you’re feeling suicidal and ongoing some sort of treatment, there’s something else you have to think about. Suppose you’ve been depressed for 5 years and suicidal for the last 2. You continue to hope that you will get better and you may even be seeing some slight progress. The progress seems to fluctuate but ultimately you are better than you were a year ago, two years ago, etc. You can see, however, that it is very likely to continue this way and although you aren’t able to know when you’ll be where you want to be, you can approximate that it will take about another 7 years to be well and happy. Realizing this, is it worth 7 more years of suffering to have at least a decent shot at life? While thinking about that you have to also realize that there is no guarantee that you will be well by then or even at all, either. Again, everyone I talk to says the same thing, “yes, it is worth it.” Thankyou