I’m 34 and I’ve always been such a grounded person and always thought of anyone who thinks of suicide to be really unwell – not ‘mental’ just very unwell, like broken down kind of. But out of nowhere about a year ago I noticed that I started to feel very different about life, I started to question everything. Well I guess my spirit didn’t like the answers to those questions because I think it’s left me.
I feel so empty and with no possibility of ever returning back to ‘normal’. These past few months I have started to feel as if I am not even inside myself, like I am floating nearby watching myself do pointless and mundane tasks. The other day I was in my local shop just buying groceries and when I was paying, I was staring at my own hand giving the money (God knows why) but it has really haunted me since; It felt like my hand was moving without my say so, like IT was in control rather than ME (like you have a robot but the controls are not doing what you want, instead the robot is disobeying orders and doing it’s own thing.) I walked back home with the same feeling. It was if my spirit was shouting ‘stop’ just to see if my legs would just stop walking for a second but they didn’t, I just couldn’t make them stop. And I walked home with tears pouring down my face. Since then my spirit has left me again. It must know how hopeless the situation is.