Praying for death

August 17th, 2010 by MeddelX

In times past, I’ve talked to my friends and family about suicide, but it’s pretty rare now that I bring up the subject. I used to feel it was healthier than not talking about it, but it became apparent that generally people don’t believe someone will kill himself until after it happens. At which point people will exclaim, “Oh my God, I can’t believe he killed himself! I wonder why he did it.” So although prior to the suicide it was talked about and reasons were given, people are dumbfounded and confused.

Sometimes honesty can’t be appreciated at the time. I was a bit disappointed several years ago when one of my many therapists finally said, “If you’re going to commit suicide there’s not really much I could do.” Though I had talked to him of feeling like killing myself, I’m not one to cry wolf; for instance, I never say, “I’m going to go and kill myself at 5:00 this evening.” In the past when I actually did decide to kill myself at 5:00 in the evening, I didn’t tell anyone. That would have been downright stupid of me. If my mind is made up that I want to die at 5pm, telling someone might actually prevent it from happening. Though my psychotherapist made the aforementioned statement, it’s clear that doctors and other select professionals are still able to lock suicidal folks away for 72-hour vacations if they talk about having an immediate plan; then afterward of course, they are either released from their vacation back into the same life they were in, or doped up on pharmaceutical drugs that may either prevent suicide or cause suicide.

I think the reason society frowns on suicide and attempts to offer hope — false or not — is because it’s bad for the economy. Last year, two weeks prior to Christmas, I received an email from a manager of a big chain retail store pleading with me not to commit suicide. I do realize he neither cared about me nor had an emotional attachment, but was concerned about the possible loss to his bottom line — I spent about $1500 annually at his store. If that figure were multiplied by all the suicidal people in the world, it would be a fiscal nightmare, causing net losses to businesses worldwide that would drop stock prices significantly and potentially cause a double-dip global economic depression.

I don’t have to go into much detail here; most people are already aware of the many reasons they don’t like the idea of people committing suicide. I do occasionally still sometimes talk to my sister about my suicidal thoughts. I know she would be very upset if I died prematurely. She demands that I stay alive to be miserable with her. I told her I’m aware that my death would have a negative effect on her, and promised her I would keep suffering to make her happy. But because I’m a pretty reasonable and rational person, I’d like to take back my promise just a little bit. Rather than committing suicide, I think her allowing me to pray for death would be a good compromise. Praying to God to take my life anyway he sees fit, sooner rather than later would also satisfy religious folks who are against suicide. If I die from praying for death, then technically, it’s God’s will. And I don’t ever hear anybody argue about God’s will. If He decided He wants to, and implements a method upon me of Divine execution, then it really boils down to God’s will.

I don’t think of praying for death as a suicidal act, but more of a convenient loophole. It’s not in the current version of the DSM, and a therapist can’t have a patient locked away for talking about praying for death, or saying he’s going to go home and pray for death right after his session.

My sister, my girlfriend too, and a few others would still miss me, and be devastated by the untimely disappearance of my soul from my body regardless of the cause. God’s will isn’t really much comfort in real life, so I guess I’ll have to go on being miserable, and continue to be mystified and awed at how other people can cope, wishing I could learn that skill. Maybe I’ll pray about it and hope I don’t get distracted.

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7 Responses to “Praying for death”

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  1. I like your humor in calling it a “72 hour vacation” – lol. Here where I live, one doctor can force “vacation” on you for 48 hours by completing something called a certificate. Then, on top of that, if he gets another doctor to agree and sign another certificate, you get certified (against your will of course) for up to 30 days. That certificate can then be renewed. Being lock in here can be a very lasting thing as I’ve found out the hard way. You’re forced to simply comply, or they drug you and make you comply. You’ve got to play the game their way or you never get out.

    I liked how you said: “I don’t think of praying for death as a suicidal act, but more of a convenient loophole. It’s not in the current version of the DSM, and a therapist can’t have a patient locked away for talking about praying for death, or saying he’s going to go home and pray for death right after his session.” I’ll have to try that if I ever get in that situation. Of course, I fear that the doctor will just construe it the same and lock me up anyway – it’s just his “medical” opinion verses my carefully choiced words. Once they lock you in, there’s no lawyer that comes to visit you to ensure that they haven’t broken the law. You’ve got to comply to their rules for long enough that they stop drugging you and give you enough privileges to be able to use the phone to call anyone for assistance. It’s sad, but once you’re really locked in on “vacation”, it’s really hard to get out. For those of you who know what I’m talking about, being forcefully drugged, stripped of everything, and locked in an empty room can be a very scary thing and it really surprises me that they actually do that to people and get away with it.

    MeddelX, I hope your prayers are soon answered. And just think, if you have life insurance, you could always pass it on to your sister.

  2. Love your post MeddelX and I love your reply too JennyA, I too agree that what can happen to you (although I don’t have first hand experience) when you are classed as ‘mentally unstable’ is criminal. I just made a post, not to do with death as such or with being locked up in a mental institute (on vacation lol) but about the law and other rules of our society, that most certainly don’t have the best interests of us common folk at heart, but only the interest of keeping the ‘big machine’ in motion.

  3. “I received an email from a manager of a big chain retail store pleading with me not to commit suicide” — how did this retail store know that you planned to commit suicide? Why did you make a public notification?

    I am someone who prays that death will take me soon. I have a chronic pain condition that will continue until I die. I do not choose to place guilt about this upon my loved ones. As I see it, it is my lot in life and I must get by as best as I can. I care too much for those around me to burden them with the stress of my possible attempt of suicide. If I do plan it, it I will keep it private and make sure that I have my buriel plans in place and paid for. My will is in order too.

    Please, if you feel this way do not burden those around you. They have a right to live a happy life. It is never fair to burden your loved ones with a threat of suicide. If you are depressed or unhappy ask for help. If you have a physical pain condition ask a trusted friend or family member to help you to find a medical solution.

    If all of the above has been done, well, I have found my greatest happiness in this condition is to see my friends and family happy. If I plan to take my life I will make sure all of my after death plans are in order and not let them be a burden to anyone.

  4. First of all, I think the reasoning about total strangers caring for you only for economic reasons makes perfect sense. As for praying for death, I have been having suicidal thoughts since several years and have been praying to God to let me commit suicide. To my very own surprise He apparently heard them, because several weeks ago I concocted a plan and today I had all the equipment I needed. I had it all planned out and knew for sure it would be quite painless.
    Only when the final moment came, I didn’t have the courage. I simply chickened out.
    After that I threw away part of the equipment.
    However, before I thought that prayers were just wishful thinking, but I’m starting to believe that somebody upstairs actually keeps track of all things we ask from Him (which doesn’t change the fact that I’m still pissed off at myself that I didn’t do it). Anyway I’ve come up with a prayer for the Death which I will say every day from today onwards.

  5. “Prayer for Death”

    GOD, Lord of Life and Death
    Let me die a death sudden, quick and painless
    Surprising me at an unexpected hour
    Send sickness to me:
    Bacteria, viruses, cancer
    Let my lungs stop breathing,
    My heart stop beating and my mind stop thinking
    Send armed people to shoot me
    In the heart and head
    Send fire, water and the elements
    To swallow me and keep me
    I ask You, because despite the power
    You have given to man
    Only you command Death
    Let her come before I finish this prayer

  6. Mindthink you seem to have not noticed that this means your family will be even more shocked and amazed than meddelX’s sister because at least she will have the small but still unbearable knowledge that it wasn’t a rushed action. That deep down she will know they will have considered all the options and not just acted rashly. She won’t have the pain of “if only they’d said something, I could’ve helped” or the worse “why didn’t they come to me? Why didn’t they trust me?”I agree that people will always be shocked when it first happens but those who have been warned even of they haven’t believed will heal from the pain differently to those shocked completely by our actions. You seem to be taking a purely fiscal approach to death yourself. As long as it won’t cost people money they won’t mind as much. The only person you are shielding from the pain in this case would be yourself. Sorry. I have chronic pain too. I’m either in a chair or in a bed and I can’t leave my home. I’m 28 and medicine cannot make me better. I’m in a prison, mentally physically and emotionally so I know how it feels, but money doesn’t hold all the answers. I personally would be more hurt that someone had paid for their funeral and not told me something was wrong than if they had at least tried to share it with me.I have tried to explain how I feel but am always told I’m being dramatic. I still tried. Thats all I could do. I have a therapist but my brain wont let me share the many disorders I’m carrying around due to all the pain I’m in. I have reasons to stay alive and not one is not being able to afford my funeral. As morbid as it seems my biggest obstacles are my disabilities and the fact I don’t have a bath. Where you see burden as financial I feel a failed attempt would be more or a burden and the fact I could be on permanent ‘vacation’ of course.My usual death prayer is an adapted child’s prayer:May I die before I wake,I pray thee lord my soul to take.

  7. u r so true. u r so brave that u talk about it with your sister. and it s kind of her to say she ll be sad. i never dare. every time i talk with people like family, ( that i might have hope that they might like me little bit) i get disappointed and i get more sure that my thoughts are right ..

    it is not good and i m not happy that in 2010 u were so sad that u deeply prayed for death. though i experience the same thing. it is not good that such an intelligent feels like this. but i say that is how it is .. i wonder why people have too much ego to live .. i m sure u are such a kind person. i can see this in ur post. i wish we could have tea together and talk.

    i v been sick / chronic pain for 1 year and i m tired of pain .. i dont know what is wrong with me and doctors are so slow .. but i dont get excited if i get well .. i still prefer to just finish. i actually look very good but u cant see i have this constant numbness and pain in my body.

    i have a colleague that we work on good things together. he is much older than me and we can produce good things together. he is really i m still here. meanwhile, i am more than happy if i suddenly finish.

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