I’m a 22 year old woman from California. I’m in college as a full time student and I work part time. Currently I live at home with my parents.
I was diagnosed with severe depression way back in junior high when I was fourteen, which is when I first started having suicidal thoughts. I’ve struggled with my depression with various amounts of success, although right now I’m not doing too well at all.
I am stressed out by my school work, and how I don’t have enough time for it. My job takes a lot of time, but I need it so I can save up when I transfer to State. I am being overwhelmed, and I feel like a failure. Staying on top of everything is very hard, and I don’t want to let my family down.
I also have ADD (not ADHD) which complicates things. I’m not trying to make excuses for myself, which I am paranoid about at the moment. Anyways, that makes it hard for me to keep track of assignments, paying attention to homework, and remembering things. So when I make mistakes, forget something, mess up, it really bothers me. I am trying my hardest to do my best yet I still get things wrong.
I want so much to do well, without having to struggle just to get by. I am very hard on myself, and oversensitive to my flaws I suppose. On top of my general feelings of sadness, I have to cope with my frustration with school and work. I feel so inadequate, and I hate myself for that. I am sick of messing up, of getting things wrong, of letting people down. My thoughts may be irrational, but I can’t help the way I feel. It hurts so much that I want to end my life. This constant feeling of pain is terrible and I can’t escape it.
I will visit a therapist this Friday, and let me tell you that Friday can’t come soon enough. : (
2 comments
You are not alone. I’m struggling with all the same things. Reading what you wrote pains me, for I know your hopelessness. I live by the saying “If it isn’t fun, why do it?”, and life isn’t much fun right now. The only way I can even cope day-to-day is by reminding myself that I can end it soon; There is a better reality that we can get to, I’m convinced of it. It seems death might be the only way to get there.
Thank you for reading my story. It feels like I’m being trapped by life right now, and I’ve never been this bad off before. I’m genuinley scared I might go through with it, it’s that bad.
It’s a terrible thing that so many people feel this way. I hope we can all be saved from our troubles, because no one should have to go through with what we go through.