October 31st, 2010by almostgivenup
I’ve had a rough life, I’d say. I’m only a college sophomore, but I feel like I’ve been through enough and I don’t want to try anymore.
- My dad was abusive my entire childhood. He called me awful names that resulted in me having absolutely zero self-confidence nowadays, yelled at me for absolutely nothing, criticized everything I did and made my accomplishments seem like dirt, and hit me several times, knocking me unconscious once.
- My mom always promised my brother and I that she would do something about it, but she never did. She eventually stopped caring and now she sides solely with him and doesn’t see any wrong in what he’s done/what he does now.
- Every friend I ever make and get close to only ends up using me — whether its for academics (a free tutor), or just someone they can chat to about their lives and how great everything is going for them. They always lose interest in me eventually and make up some big fight to break it off. This happened to me 2 weeks ago for about the 20th time in my life. Nobody likes me.
- I’ve told one of my roommates about my suicidal thoughts/depression but today she made a comment on how she thinks she’s a really nice person because she “tolerates” listening to my problems and complaining all the time. So she gets annoyed with my complaints/depression confessions, and my other 2 roommates don’t even speak to me anymore, they hate me so much.
- My first boyfriend basically raped me (though I still don’t feel that it classifies as rape since we had had sex before — though i’ve been informed that it counts as rape) and I’ve been left feeling that no guy ever really is interested in me and they’ll only tolerate me in order to use me for sex. I haven’t had a boyfriend/even a guy friend since. This is my one secret remaining that I haven’t told anyone about (you guys don’t know me so this doesn’t count) — I mistakenly told my roommate about my parents and depression and friends. And since she gets annoyed with my “complaining” i don’t think I can tell her now. I hate keeping everything bottled up.
I feel like all I’m doing here is bothering people. There is seriously nobody that I am genuinely close to because when I get close to somebody they find out about me life and then don’t want to be friends anymore.
I have had too many problems and I’m just tired of dealing with them. I don’t want to deal with anything. I wish I could be substituted for the victim of a car crash or a fatal disease instead of that person’s life being taken. I don’t have anyone that I’m close to, and sure if I died/killed myself people would say “Oh, thats a real shame, how sad”, but there is nobody that I’m close enough to that would legitimately GRIEVE or cry over it.
If I felt that I would hurt someone badly then I wouldn’t do it — but I know for a fact that that won’t be an issue.
I get upset and drive around in my car for hours on end on the highway, just going back and forth, trying to make myself speed up and then sharply veer off the road and into a ditch. That’s my plan for doing it because that’s the only way I can do it in private and without risking injury of anyone else (I’d even do it at night when there’s nobody on the road, though I WILL go into a ditch far away from buildings/other cars/anything else).
It’s gotten so bad lately that I just drive around considering it every day. It doesn’t even feel like a big decision anymore, just a matter of when is the right time.
I can’t afford any type of counseling seeing as I’m a college student (broke) and my parents don’t believe in depression and all of that — not that I’d ever tell them anyway. They know nothing about me.
Honestly I don’t even think I’m going to make it to Christmas, I’m just tired of my life and I feel that I’m stuck in the same circle of people that dislike me so much and I can’t get out of it. I don’t have anything to look forward to in my life, and I’d really rather just die. I just need to find the willpower to do it already — there’s no point in waiting another week or so.
End of story — thanks for letting me vent. Nobody else listens to me.. and the one or two that do could care less.