Okay…so I have just recently found this site. All I know is that I want to get out how I’m feeling..and I have no one to talk to…I guess letting numerous strangers read this..makes me feel heard in some sort of way. I have felt suicidal for so long now. I really don’t know if I really have the guts to do it..but I have come so close countless amounts of time. People say it’s selfish..well I guess depending on how you look at it, it kind of is. But when you’re feeling this way..you could really give two fucks. I mean, don’t get me wrong..I have loved ones that I would never want to hurt. I just don’t know how to make this feeling go away.
I guess I could start with myself. Hi, I’m 18 years old. Female. Graduated high school last June. I recently just moved thinking this would get me away from the problems..but really they stay with you no matter what. You can’t run away.
People have always thought of me as the happy/giddy girl. I’m known for my smile and giggle and how I can make anyone laugh with little effort. They are so wrong. It kind of goes to show how you think you know a person..but really you have no idea. How well do you really know your closest loved ones? Or friends? I don’t think anyone has truly taken the time to look past my smile.
I guess I should just dish the details because I really want to get this all out on the table for anyone to hear. Everything is fucked up…here it is:
I’ve grown up around things that I believe no child should grow up seeing. My mom has had a couple of boyfriends throughout my life where I had to grow up watching them beat her. I would scream and cry..but I was little,I couldnt do anything about it.. my dad has been in and out of my life. He used to never even talk to me..but then boom! out of nowhere he shows up and likes to try to buy my affection..then later complains that he doesnt want to see me because i “take all of his money”..but then if i dont take it im insulting him apparently. I have two little brothers who mean the world to me. It’s weird that I feel like they are my own…I’ve raised them since they were babies, because my mom couldn’t.
My mom. My whole life I never quite understood what was going on with her until just recently. She has always been an either sleeping all day type of person or gone out somewhere. A year ago she left me and my brothers without any kind of explanation.. a month later she told me how for 13 years she has been addicted to meth. Which explains her 13 years of neglect towards me and my brothers. I never had the parent i’ve always wanted…and i hate her for that..dont get me wrong i love her..but i hate her for just that. anyways..so a month ago she comes back….oh and get this-it’s the day before i’m moving. expecting me to stay. i left.
so now here I am still empty. I’m not trying to pin my problems on others..but dragging these stories on. I’ve tried to help piece my family back together…but it never works. I try to help make things better…things just get worse. When does this end? I think we all say to ourselves..hey..this will get better. I have my whole life ahead of me..if i just ride this out a little longer..itll get better. well how long of this do i have to endure. I’m constantly being judged by my family and others. I’m not doing anything good enough for anyone. I just take pound after pound from everyone (which i dont think they know how overwhelming that gets) plastering on my cheesy smile.
I just think..hey lets take these pills and go to sleep..and stay asleep. that would be nice.. but then i get to where im too afraid to do it because that whole “hope” things creeps into my head. I don’t want to die… but I don’t know what else will make this stop. It seems like once one issue is done..another pops up.
my friends dont understand. my best friend who knows me better than anyone else doesnt even understand. she tries to..but she cant know until shes gone through what i have. I love her to death though for being there for me the best she can.
I have cut myself…not to kill myself..not for attention. To feel pain. I wanted a pain I could control and once I did it..I felt strangely better. I always made sure I did it on my upper thigh or the back of it so no one would see. I would tear the rubber end off the end of a bobby pin stretch it out..do my thing..then go off and do whatever.
Lately I’ve just had a lot of pent up aggression. I feel bad for the people I have had my outbursts towards…I really don’t even realize I’m doing it sometimes. Anytime I try to tell a parent about how I’m feeling..I’m “over dramatic.”
I just feel lost and I really wanted to get this out. I know there are many other people struggling as well..I hope the best for all of you. For whoever read this all of this..thank you..it means a lot to me. Does anyone have any advice other than the obvious?
7 comments
K2,
from selfishness, you learned love.
The more you lack of, the more you care to have it refilled.
From love you care, you put forth so much for your brothers as if they’re your own.
It’s just a lesson of love you’ve already learned while your friend is still ignorant of.
And this love is just a phase, not to involve obligation to others.
As if a nanny to a child, as long as doing the job right, child grown up and doesn’t love me, fine.
And if the child loves me, fine too, treating that as a bonus.
Do you see ?
Only when one can walk on her own, can she care for others.
Your mother didn’t and you did.
Now that you can’t walk, first start shifting all that attention and love back to your own walking !
Learn to attach to yourself.
Piecing family back together is a hard job, may take one’s lifetime.
And only on the condition that you can walk on your own (live btw).
Issue after issue always pop up one after another, that’s called luck.
I call it phase of fate. And it happens to everyone, only differs in time and magnitude.
Before one’s peace in heart attained through turmoil, anger is a phase.
Let it out, burst it, don’t hide, or insanity or death will be a by-product.
And try your best to burst it in front of the abuser, not to the innocents.
If death is already your concern, there’s no room for fear.
Dear K2, All i can say is wow. As i read this i felt as though you were pretty much explaining my life in so many ways. I feel the same about ending my life, in so many ways i want too because then i wont have to deal with everything anymore but at the same time i just cant bring myself to do it. I am a seventeen year old girl and people often see me as the happy, fun girl who anyone can rely on to cheer them up and have a laugh but that’s not really me at all. It’s my ‘mask’ as i call it, using the smile to hide how i really feel is so much easier then explaining to people why you are so depressed.
My mother has been taking drugs for as long as I remember, all sorts of different ones from marijuana and speed to ecstasy and meth. She also has bipolar which makes her moods even worse. She locked herself away in her bedroom a lot so myself and my younger siblings only really saw her when she came out to cook dinner. I feel like i pretty much raised my siblings and they are my world.
I also cut myself in places where other people can’t see, for the fact that it is something i can control and also for that brief moment whilst I am cutting through my skin I’m not thinking of a million different things I’m just focused.
I haven’t spoken to anyone about how i feel and the dangerous and frightening thoughts i have because i too feel like I’m being over dramatic or I’m frightened that that’s what they will think.
I just wanted to tell you that it was comforting for me to see that someone else feels the same as me, even though i wish no one did because it’s awful. I’m sorry that I don’t have any helpful advice and I wish you the best of luck with everything in the future.
K2 – You have never had a sense of stability. You have never had something or someone you could truly rely on. It’s hard to feel like your feet are on the ground with how you’ve grown up. You sound so smart, and I do hear the hope in your voice. I hear a desire for something more, and a desire to get more out of life than the cards your mother and father dealt you.
There is hope K2. Now that you are 18, I believe your “life” is just beginning, and for the first time you are totally in control. No one can hurt you anymore, you do not need your mother or father in the same way, so they can’t fail you.
What you may need, is a friend that understands you. A friend you can rely on.
I am here to talk to you anytime, and I UNDERSTAND these feelings.
mrslindseylambert@gmail.com – I am here, anytime you’re ready.
Shanny: I’m glad there is someone who can relate. Everyone has a different story but clearly ours has a lot of similarities..you know that unwanted feeling from a young age..how drugs were more important. I’m sorry that you had to go through those things too..because I know that the pain I feel is something I wouldn’t want even my enemies to feel. Even though you didn’t post any advice.. I’m more than okay with hearing your story as well. When I read your post I felt like it was something I could have written..meaning I could feel your emotions in it..which a lot are mine. I’m trying to hang in there..I hope you do the same. Just some days are worse than others and I cant get these thoughts out of my head (im sure you know what im talking about).
Lindsey Dawn: Your words are comforting. The whole point of my post was to just get everything out on the table for once..I have never truly put my life out there…everyone thought they knew everything about me. Like I said, I’m not saying I’m going to do it…but sometimes I scare myself by my thoughts of wanting to. Thank you for having hope in me. I’m glad i stumbled upon this site to find you all who do REALLY understand.
Fireflieslite: Some of what you said made sense to me..you have good writing skills. But I’m not quite sure what you meant by some other things..like my love is just a phase..like a nanny to my little brothers? I dont know if i misinterpreted that or what.. I find my love for them different. And it isnt just a phase. not like a nanny or anything..and i dont use there love as rewards. theres more to it but i dont really want to ramble on. But i really do like what you said to not keep my anger pent..to burst it as the abuser and not the innocents. You have wise words my friend.
I agree, It’s kind of a relief to know that you are not the only one but at the same time i hate knowing that someone else has had to and continues to feel as i have. I know that unwanted feeling too well. I always felt like drugs were more important especially on birthdays and other special occasions, I kept expecting things to change even just for the day but nothing ever did. I know how overwhelming and frightening the thoughts can get and how hard it is too stay strong. Sometimes the thoughts just get so powerful and I lock myself away from everyone but i don’t know what to do to fix it. I’m extremely glad to hear you are trying to hang in there, keep trying hun and I will try to do the same. All the best and i hope to hear back from you soon.
I’m a little off my game today. So I’m not sure what I should say. My opinion of you is great. You think of others before you do yourself. e.g. you taking care of your brothers
Your mom shouldn’t expect you to stay after how long she was gone. I don’t blame you and neither should you.
You love like no other. You put yourself before others. You deserve to make your own decisions. Even if it meant moving.
Your friends may not understand, it’s common. No one can truly understand what another person has gone through, except you. You can talk to yourself and even listen to yourself. This is what I’ve done for awhile now. I think, talk, and listen to myself. It makes me feel better to know that someone out there, understands me. Even if it’s me, it’s still someone.
We here at http://www.suicideproject.org are here to help. We may not fully understand people and their current situations but we try. I cannot let you go ingnored while you took the time to spill your heart out.
If they are your friends, they will understand that you’ve been going through some tough things, lately. They will forgive. And if not, they are not your friends.
My advice to you would have to be, “Let it all out.” Vent to us or anyone who is willing to listen. i.e. the people who’ve posted before me
We try our best. We’re here for you and others. We are here to help. So if you ever feel like you need someone to talk to, you can do it to us.
If you want a one-on-one chat here’s my e-mail.
albert.j.robinson@live.com
I’m just glad that there are people like you in the world. Who are willing to take time out of their day to help a complete stranger. That’s a real breath of fresh air. I did add you on msn..I’m happy to have someone willing to listen.