I’m fucked up…

November 10th, 2010by DeathButStillAlive

Hi everyone,

I’m a boy with the age of 18 and I am fucked up, in all kinds of ways. I can’t think of anything good of myself, even tough my friends tell me different. When I look in the mirror I see the most hidious person in the world, that has nothing good on him. In my mind it’s a constant war, it seems like I have multiple thoughts at the same time, good or bad. And they constantly collide with eachother, confusing me, and making me go insane. I always have the feeling that everything evolves around me, like i’m the only person on this earth, maybe universe. Like it’s all some kind of test for me. I always have the feeling that everyone looks at me no matter where I go, thinking bad things about me. And then I start thinking “What does he/she think of me?’, and it happens with every person I see, no matter if I know that person or not. I try to be good, perform well at school, make a good future, get a nice body, a nice girl, stylish cloths, money and so on, but everytime  I try to set goals in my life, the smallest failure ruins it, and makes me go back to my depressfull thoughts. I did some perverted, fucked up things in my life. I fucked a girl in a parking lot while drunk, tried to fuck a girl while she was wasted and I was drunk, and so on. Even tough I didn’t want to, and which I hate myself for. Girls are an issue aswell for me, I have alot of girlish friends, and they tell me i’m a great guy, but I always detest their sayings.  Sometimes it seems like I could fuck everything that has tits, and only think about having sex, even tough I don’t want to, and even tough I just want to love a girl and be nice to her. This  leads to some perverted stuff I do, and which I am ashamed of, and can’t comprehend why the fuck i’m doing it. I think it has something to do with the fact that I don’t have any love in my life, even tough I have had girlfriends, they were useless and meaningless to me, and always of short duration. I envy guys who look nice and chizzled, getting all the girls and having a great life, while I try to train and do my best trying to get myself back up again, but still fail. So when I meet a new girl, I always start off good, but then the thoughts come back, and I start overthinking, about myself and about how fucked up I am. Which leads to, no girl. Another issue for me is the following, whenever I walk on the street or anywhere for that matter and people look at me I start asking questions again. About what they think of me, if they hate me for some reason, if they would know about all the fucked up stuff I had done in my life. Like when i’m in a mall I think every single person looks at me.  When I look normal, my face always looks angry, but that’s just me being serious. But alot of times when I walk past some guys they look angry at me, and that got me into alot of trouble already, fights and stuff, even tough I didn’t want to. And when that happens, and they look angry at me, I start thinking again if rather i’m strong enough, if I can handle them, what would happen if they would stand in front of me, would they beat me to shit and so on. So that gives me already 2 reasons why I want to train my body, but everytime I train I can’t hold on longer then one month, after that it’s back at depressing thoughts and failure (and even tough I didn’t got into a fight or didn’t get to stand in front of those guys, days after i’ll still think about what I could have done, and why the hell I let those guys crap on me, making me think that i’m worth nothing). It’s like I constanly pull myself down, in other words, I have zero confidence. Even tough I always try to act tough, i’m fragile as glass on the inside, and the smallest issue or failure in my life turns into world war III inside of me, everytime, no matter what (for example even a bad score on a geography test lets me think i’m going to end up like a bum). I also have this ridiculous injustice feeling, everytime I see injustice, I hate the world, and myself for not being able to end it.

My mom is divorced (I try to do my best for her, because she has a hard time on paying bills and stuff, but all I do is break her down, again, even tough I don’t want to and which I hate myself for), and I am in a fight with my dad, just because he’s an asshole and fucked up my life even more. Altough I look alot like him, in ways like trying to be the best in everything, having a strong sense of knowledge, being big and strong, and so on,  I also have his bad side, like being selfish, having alot of anger inside and being aggresive towards everyone. There is alot of other stuff in my life, which I find it hard to explain.

It all just comes to this: I feel useless and lost, like my life has no point for me anymore, since everything is so fucked up for me, I try to do my best in life, and I wanna be succesfull, have a nice body, a nice girl, lots of stylish clothing, money for me and my mom and so much more, but it just seems so far away from me. It’s like nobody can understand me, even at this moment when i’m typing this shit i’m thinking : “What’s the point, things won’t change, you’ll end up being nothing, no matter how hard you try, just give up and let it go..”. Constantly thinking fucked up things, or negative things about myself. I’m such a mess inside, and I’m wondering if it ever will be different for me, in a good and happy way. People always tell me i’m overexaturating when I talk about my feelings and myself, but they don’t know what it’s like to be me, to think these things. And for me i’m literally standing on the edge of my life, not knowing where to go to or to do next, other then ending it in some way. I have tried a few times to kill myself, but I couldn’t, everytime something blocked inside of me, saying: “Maybe there is still hope..” but know that is starting to fade out more and more..

What I wrote above may seem ridiculous , but if you would be me, you’d fully understand. So please try to help me out of it. Because I don’t think I can handle it any longer.

Thank you for reading this..

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