I’m fucked up…

November 10th, 2010 by DeathButStillAlive

Hi everyone,

I’m a boy with the age of 18 and I am fucked up, in all kinds of ways. I can’t think of anything good of myself, even tough my friends tell me different. When I look in the mirror I see the most hidious person in the world, that has nothing good on him. In my mind it’s a constant war, it seems like I have multiple thoughts at the same time, good or bad. And they constantly collide with eachother, confusing me, and making me go insane. I always have the feeling that everything evolves around me, like i’m the only person on this earth, maybe universe. Like it’s all some kind of test for me. I always have the feeling that everyone looks at me no matter where I go, thinking bad things about me. And then I start thinking “What does he/she think of me?’, and it happens with every person I see, no matter if I know that person or not. I try to be good, perform well at school, make a good future, get a nice body, a nice girl, stylish cloths, money and so on, but everytime  I try to set goals in my life, the smallest failure ruins it, and makes me go back to my depressfull thoughts. I did some perverted, fucked up things in my life. I fucked a girl in a parking lot while drunk, tried to fuck a girl while she was wasted and I was drunk, and so on. Even tough I didn’t want to, and which I hate myself for. Girls are an issue aswell for me, I have alot of girlish friends, and they tell me i’m a great guy, but I always detest their sayings.  Sometimes it seems like I could fuck everything that has tits, and only think about having sex, even tough I don’t want to, and even tough I just want to love a girl and be nice to her. This  leads to some perverted stuff I do, and which I am ashamed of, and can’t comprehend why the fuck i’m doing it. I think it has something to do with the fact that I don’t have any love in my life, even tough I have had girlfriends, they were useless and meaningless to me, and always of short duration. I envy guys who look nice and chizzled, getting all the girls and having a great life, while I try to train and do my best trying to get myself back up again, but still fail. So when I meet a new girl, I always start off good, but then the thoughts come back, and I start overthinking, about myself and about how fucked up I am. Which leads to, no girl. Another issue for me is the following, whenever I walk on the street or anywhere for that matter and people look at me I start asking questions again. About what they think of me, if they hate me for some reason, if they would know about all the fucked up stuff I had done in my life. Like when i’m in a mall I think every single person looks at me.  When I look normal, my face always looks angry, but that’s just me being serious. But alot of times when I walk past some guys they look angry at me, and that got me into alot of trouble already, fights and stuff, even tough I didn’t want to. And when that happens, and they look angry at me, I start thinking again if rather i’m strong enough, if I can handle them, what would happen if they would stand in front of me, would they beat me to shit and so on. So that gives me already 2 reasons why I want to train my body, but everytime I train I can’t hold on longer then one month, after that it’s back at depressing thoughts and failure (and even tough I didn’t got into a fight or didn’t get to stand in front of those guys, days after i’ll still think about what I could have done, and why the hell I let those guys crap on me, making me think that i’m worth nothing). It’s like I constanly pull myself down, in other words, I have zero confidence. Even tough I always try to act tough, i’m fragile as glass on the inside, and the smallest issue or failure in my life turns into world war III inside of me, everytime, no matter what (for example even a bad score on a geography test lets me think i’m going to end up like a bum). I also have this ridiculous injustice feeling, everytime I see injustice, I hate the world, and myself for not being able to end it.

My mom is divorced (I try to do my best for her, because she has a hard time on paying bills and stuff, but all I do is break her down, again, even tough I don’t want to and which I hate myself for), and I am in a fight with my dad, just because he’s an asshole and fucked up my life even more. Altough I look alot like him, in ways like trying to be the best in everything, having a strong sense of knowledge, being big and strong, and so on,  I also have his bad side, like being selfish, having alot of anger inside and being aggresive towards everyone. There is alot of other stuff in my life, which I find it hard to explain.

It all just comes to this: I feel useless and lost, like my life has no point for me anymore, since everything is so fucked up for me, I try to do my best in life, and I wanna be succesfull, have a nice body, a nice girl, lots of stylish clothing, money for me and my mom and so much more, but it just seems so far away from me. It’s like nobody can understand me, even at this moment when i’m typing this shit i’m thinking : “What’s the point, things won’t change, you’ll end up being nothing, no matter how hard you try, just give up and let it go..”. Constantly thinking fucked up things, or negative things about myself. I’m such a mess inside, and I’m wondering if it ever will be different for me, in a good and happy way. People always tell me i’m overexaturating when I talk about my feelings and myself, but they don’t know what it’s like to be me, to think these things. And for me i’m literally standing on the edge of my life, not knowing where to go to or to do next, other then ending it in some way. I have tried a few times to kill myself, but I couldn’t, everytime something blocked inside of me, saying: “Maybe there is still hope..” but know that is starting to fade out more and more..

What I wrote above may seem ridiculous , but if you would be me, you’d fully understand. So please try to help me out of it. Because I don’t think I can handle it any longer.

Thank you for reading this..

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11 Responses to “I’m fucked up…”

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  1. Holy flying fuck cows.

    Most of what you listed is pretty the shit I’ve gone through and continue to go through. Except for me, I’m still a virgin. I’ve done some pretty perverted shit..

    I date girls who don’t last longer than a week or two. And they honestly, are pretty dumb. Not really all that pretty compared to city girls and shit.

    I’m not as paranoid as you but I think of scenarios and things like that. Wondering if I did this, how would it turn out? How would it start out?

    I’m not all that committed to doing stuff, either. I tried weight lifting and only lasted probably a month. Jesus, it’s so fucking crazy to hear you say all that.

    I keep my feelings to myself, though. I keep my problems to myself. I’ve thought of suicide but never followed through with my thoughts. Even when depression had me as its bitch..I couldn’t do it.

    I feel that my life will probably turn out to be useless and nothing like others lives. But I bet they probably hold more purpose in their lives than I do mine.

    I’m not at all really confident. Which is why I don’t get a lot of girls. Regret after fucking regret I deal with having to watch beautiful girls go by and I can’t even force myself to say to any of them. So fucking beautiful. But god damnit it pisses me off. To hate them. To hate myself.

    It’s some serious bullshit to feel this way. I totally understand how you feel.

    I don’t know why I’m here still. I’m not sure what keeps me going. I can’t find a reason to turn all hopeless just yet. Even if I was robbed of the life I wanted but instead was granted this one..It fucking sucks.

    I just gotta keep going in hopes of life getting better. For me getting better. But fucking aye man I hate these regrets. Just keep going. Nothing more can be said. Just keep fucking going.

  2. Can I ask you both a question? Does life have to have a point, or big meaning? Or can it just be taken day by day and enjoyed in pieces? If everyone did something extraordinary, who would do the things that most consider ordinary? I understand it might not be good enough for you, but to me, nothing is ordinary. Letting us into your world, and your thoughts is extraordinary. The way you think is extraordinary to me. Goingup2down – the time I’ve seen you spend here talking to others is extraordinary. Bringing joy to a person’s life is extraordinary. Living life, when sometimes it seems easier not to… that is EXTRAORDINARY.

    I know I’m probably just one of those annoy optimist, but trust me when I say I’ve had plenty of reason NOT to be. If you would like to tell me more of your story, I am here. mrslindseylambert@gmail.com

  3. Yes, unfortunatly my life has to have a point, I want to find happiness, in all ways. Have a nice future and bring meaning to my life. I do not want to die a nobody, I want to have succes, have friends and family love me. Not that I wanna be like 50 Cent playing with my money, but a person that has enough wealth to continue living happy. And when i’m wealthy on my own, I wanna help people out of their misery, helping the people who need it most. Sounds retarded, I know. But I cannot continue living like this, wandering around, with no strenght left to reach my so badly wanted goals.. And the fact that I let you people into “my world” has nothing to do with being extraordinairy, it has to do with the fact that i’m so fucking desperate and anxious with not knowing what to do now that I let you guys into my world. I need to be a somebody, not a nobody, it’s either that, or the end of me.

  4. Then you have answered my question, and if you need to be “successful financially” to be happy, then that is what you need. Everyone has a different definition of success.

    But the end of you doesn’t even give you the opportunity to be somebody, much less help someone else.

    18 is so young with SOOO much time to accomplish your goals.

    You don’t have to have strength right now. Rest, take it easy for a while. For a year, for 5 years. Then get back at it. I HEAR your drive.

  5. Sorry to say Lindsey, I appreciate your help, but what your saying doesn’t apply to me. Financially is one of thé many things I need. I think it was a mistake to put this on some forum.

  6. I’m with what DeathButStillAlive has said. Completely agree with him in his first response to you.

    Plus, I think 5 years is too much time to waste on building shit up THEN accomplishing your goals. I would rather have my goals being accomplished now rather than late. I don’t want to waste the time. I mean, my goals don’t fall under the line of college. Well, not all of them. But my main one doesn’t.

    What DeathButStillAlive is trying to say Lindsey, is that one thing isn’t the only thing he needs. There are other things he needs in order to be happy. In order to do what he wants, he’s going to need more. And I agree with him.

    Correct me if I’m wrong with what I interpreted, DeathButStillAlive. But please, send it through e-mail. I don’t like finding topics all over again.

    albert.j.robinson@live.com

  7. Well i agree with this guy, my whole life has been fucked up aswell a little less on the girls part, i wouldn’t attempt to bring a girl into my life becuase it wouldn’t last long with the low confidence i have, i mean don’t get me wrong ive had relationships but they also wouldn’t last long, and they were not the best of girls just easy ones, and none of them were anything i could actually “love”, but yeah my life aswell is fucked, i think bad thoughts all of the time, none sucicidal or anything.. but like bad things, i live with my brother right now he’s cool as shit i have two loving parents and a really big loving family, so there’s no need for me to feel unloved, but that’s not it.. it’s the fact i look at people (went to school with), and they are all doing something with there lives.. and got nice things, i have jack shit i mooch off my brother for fuck sakes.. i recently got applied at a subway just so i could make it seem like i get “money” but i don’t get much of it, and i have a goal of one day being on the oil feild making lots of it.. but i had about 3 years i could have did this.. but still i find myself not getting anywhere in life, and that’s not the worst part, worst part is i think too much of bad things never really positive and like this guy said when i do think positive i just think of non positive things which cancel the whole thing out.. leaves me fucking depressed and emotional, i don’t have the courage to say half the shit that goes on in my mind but i can tell you it’s not good.. and i would deffentaly not do any thing to hurt anyone or animal.. but those are the things that are going on in my mind.. i go to work during the day i feel fine keeping my mind busy sort of thing, but once i get off.. it’s the same fucking shit right away it hits me.. I’m just scared what if something happens to me and i fuck up really hard to the point i end up in prison and my family disowns me? that was a good example what i think every day i have friends belive it or not good ones too.. they all say I’m normal, but when I’m hanging around them i try to be as normal as i can be, because i don’t want to lose them and look like a retard because then i would probably go insane! The fact is i never told anyone this part of my family, when I’m alone i talk to (myself) about it.. yeah you hear right i even talk to myself.. out loud sometimes i think I’m going crazy and i just want to know your opinions out there i mean out side in public and with family/friends I’m normal.. when I’m alone like right now.. i think of the most scariest/funniest/disturbing/bad/amazing.. things… and i tell myself well if i know that I’m thinking these things and i don’t act upon the bad things obviously I’m not retarded.. but man how else would you describe this, help me please. Thanks

  8. Hi, I know this was posted a year ago but I would greatly appreciate you getting back to me on how your doing because I just read what you typed and I’m almost in tears, all these yrs. pretty much my entire life i’ve felt just like you and I didn’t think anyone else would even begin to understand. If it helps if your still struggling, I’m just like you, the same injustice issue, making it hard to ever be happy or even think to when so much is “wrong” in the world, I hate leaving the house because I don’t want people to look at me no matter how many compliments i get I have no esteem self worth all I have is anger and resentment towards “the world” I stay quiet alot unless I’m joking because of those relentless racing thoughts and flashbacks of horrible things that happened and that I’ve done, It never stops even when I sleep I just have nightmares all night, people take me for overexxagerating when I just try to explain how I truly feel to people close to me in a way they migh understand, since no one ever does I t makes it too hard to get too close because its like I can’t talk, I pretend to be normal and try to fit in joking laughing smiling with fake confidence, people try to care about me sometims but I can’t take the love at face value since they don’t really know me or “the horrible things I’ve done” mine like yours werent these horrible things, I think they were more morally wrong actions like me I smoked weed in front of little kids, chose people I didn’t care about to be sexually involved with, showed little restraint for things like drinking and addiction, I don’t even see why I should attempt being in a relationship because there’s no point when I don’t love myself I dont wanna put someone through my baggage especially someone I really like, I have the same money problems and the same issues with family I hate looking at myself seeing my parents in my reflection seeing the way I look even though people think I look good, I’ve attempted suicide twice both times as I drifted off I got scared, wondering of hell, and what if…, and both times when I woke up I felt no different than the night before only sad because I know again I fucked up, couldn’t even get the courage to quit…

    If things haven’t got better yet I ‘ll just leave you with what I know how to do at this point in life, I take it day by day, but it helps your drive a little basically I try to live my life right I find purpose in being alive by helping others, giving to others what I don’t have, giving love to people even if its from a distance even if its not known, its not that your going to feel better because these people you show love to will like you or care about you but it WILL give you somewhat of a inner happiness like it somehow balances some of the bad things you feel from your past, UNDERSTAND that this is how you feel this is NOT reality, in reality you’ve done nothing that bad, we’re all people we all do things sometimes that we probably shouldn’t In reality you car about your wrongs that most people ever do because of your personal hell that you create with your guilt, YOUR A GOOD PERSON JUST FOR CARING, and even though everyone assimulates to their friends or environment a little KEEP PART OF YOU everywhere you go, make sure what is really important to you stays important to you no matter how misunderstood it is because you’ll never feel better about yourself if you dont ever acknolege what makes you you. I wish I could offer more advice but I’m a little lost at the moment also and this is all I can give but hopefully taking it from someone who’s been a fuck up their whole life that I honestly understand what your going through and I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one no one’s really as fucked up as they believe they are. And the only reason I live is because even though I’m hopeless I know that in my life I can encourage “good” I can give hope and love and all that I have to offer from just wanting to better the world other people and myself, seeing others happy, so what if I never am happy I know the world will go on with out me so why not use this fucked up mess of a life to atleast make some good of my time, the most selfless and selfish route I live for others so I can find it in me to not take my life away, It works for me atleast I wish you alot of luck and happiness, I hope things are better for you now, please contact me to let me know wether a reply or email, smith.holly58@yahoo.com

  9. Guys I am new to this forum but I am very well aware of this topic. @deathbutstillalive: 1st thing that shuld do is..Change ur user name..its so negative and if u really want to do something thn Help needy people..this will give u internal satisfaction nd happiness..ahmm about girls “every boy like u nd me wants to fuck ny thng that has tits” so its normal u just have to act in a controlled manner..Dnt search love..love those who r around u…dnt give importance to a single relationship..thumbs up for friendship..and keep ur self busy..fucking girls is not a crime so stop thinking abt it nd next time when u find someone luking at u..try to thnk positive think like “lion is walking now”.. feel proud of little thngs that will help in increasing ur confidence..nd if u feeling guilty of smthng thn dnt run frm it..if u cant be a good lover thn become a good frnd :)))) U know dear Life is just beautiful..just enjoy it..crack jokes wid frnds..nd try to be happy wid no reason..set ur mind free..its under a lots of stress..BEST OF LUCK….

  10. Dude, let me tell you something. I know it’s not gonna be important for you, and it’s Ok, but anyway I’m gonna say it. YOU’RE AN ASSHOLE, but don’t worry, so am. I just wanna kill myself. Good luck with all this shit.

  11. Well, I “understand” or I’d like to think I do for the most part. I feel like crap and tell myself the same things you wrote about everyday. All I really want from life is happiness. I think I’m worthless, I deal with people saying its teenage hormones or I’m crazy. Actually my “dad” took me to the hospital saying I could talk to him or a psychiatrist and be told I’m crazy. I don’t have any confidence even though I make it seem like I do, I’ve never had a boyfriend let alone been kissed. I can’t even get started on my family because I don’t know if my dad tells the truth about my mom or if my mom tells the truth about my dad. My life is fucked up, I’m fucked up, but I still have those moments were I just might make it then I start to think again, and so it goes on. It kind of makes me feel more “normal” knowing that there are other people out there feeling like I am. I don’t know how to help you because I can’t even help myself but knowing you just might have someone out there to relate to could make a bit of a difference. And don’t worry your not the only one with fucked up thoughts.

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