I feel so empty inside. I have no one. Everyone who I ever cared about and loved don’t care about me at all.
The story of my life summed up: Only had girlfriends online. (lame, I know). Too shy to ask a girl out. Every friend that I got close to, end up not caring about me or moving far away and not ever talk to me again. Every new friends I try to make, are always distant from me. My family aren’t close and we don’t do anything together, not even eat in the same room. I’m always stuck inside my room when I don’t have classes and school to attend. No one seems to understand me.
I hate this feeling. No one loves me. They only use me and then abandon me. The first girlfriend I had online like long ago, left me cause she wanted a “bad boy.” Then the guy left her shortly after. Then the next girlfriend I had, fell in love with another guy in her neighborhood while still with me. I left for awhile so she can be with him so she can be happy. (I’m stupid, I know). Found out a year or two later that after the month I left, the guy moved and that she is now with someone else. Then the one girl that loved me in school and clinged to me whenever we walked to classes together, I didn’t ask her out and  now she’s happily with another guy for about 2-3 years now (even though I secretly loved her, I was too shy to say it).  Then the other girlfriends I had, lie to me or cheated on me. Then just two weeks ago, my girlfriend left me. I’m just going to call her “B.”
The girlfriend I had before “A” cheated on me and then left me. I went into depression for a whole month. I even tried killing myself, but failed. Then after I got all better, I met “B.” We got close and she said she knew exactly how I felt. She told me how she would never be like “A” and leave me. Then we got together. We were so close. We spent time together day and night. She told me stuff like “you’re my everything. I can’t live without you. Without you with me I think I would kill myself or die in depression. I want to marry you as soon as I can. I love you with all my heart. I want to be with you forever. You’re my world. While you weren’t with me, I felt like everyone else in the world was dead.” We even talked about our futures together a lot. I even saved up enough money to go see her this summer. I was going to move there to be with her. I got together with her after she found out that the guy she was with didn’t love her, even from the beginning. She told me she felt empty and that I filled her emptiness and how we can fill each other’s emptiness in life. Then after she’s all happy now and the pain from her ex is gone, she left me. She told me that I was controlling. She told me I kept her from going with her friends… when she was the one who wanted to stay to be with me instead. I even asked her if she wanted to go she could. She said I “indirectly” forced her not to go, when I never did such a thing. Then she tells me that she wasn’t “truly” happy with me the whole time.. even though she always laughed and we were always happy together. She even told me she was. (she said she hated lying and I kept telling her I hate lies too). Then now… she leaves me calling me stuff like “stalker” when I just log online to check for her to be with her. (she used to tell me she does the same and that she felt loved and cared for). Then she also said she wants space. I gave her space for a week, just to find out she was trying to forget about me and move on. I was always there for her… but then when I need her, she left me. I asked her what I did wrong, and she said I was perfect… but she just didn’t have time for me. But yet.. she has time to spend with her friends. She reached a hand out for me as I climbed out of the darkness. I reached a hand out for her while she was stuck in the darkness. When I helped her out of the darkness, I asked her to lend me her hand and pull me out too so we can be together. Instead, she pushed me back down into the darkness. Even further down than from where I was before I met her.
I feel so empty now. I can’t trust my family. I can’t trust my friends. I can’t even trust the person I was deeply in love with and promised to spend our lives together. When I’m alone now in my room, it’s hard to breathe. I sleep after I get home from class. I have no motivation to do anything. No one cares about me. They use me to feel better themselves, then when they’re happy, they leave. It’s always the same cycle. Friends or lovers or family or anyone. I make them feel better while they’re down, and then once they are better, they leave me. I feel so broken and used and thrown away like garbage, over and over and over and over again throughout my entire life. Now I pretty much have no one friends or anyone who will talk to me and be there for me. I’m all alone inside this cage in my room. I just want to end it all.
18 comments
i’m like that myself…don’t trust family and friends…ore just cant talk with m…my school was hell…it started at 2e grade and lasted for 12 years…12 years of bullying and all that hell could come up with…and now i’m at my room for 3 years…so i know what it is … but before you and it…just talk some more on here will ya… it can help you relax and sort things out and just make some friends over here and it will get better bit by bit…
I was bullied before in elementary school too, or at least they tried to, but I always fought back and no one dared to bully me anymore at school after that. I’ve been in my room for a long time… all my old “friends” that I used to know never invite me to hang out.. or even talk to me anymore. Even when I to talk to them, they’ll stop after awhile making excuses like “I’ll talk to you later after I’m done with this” and they never do… I’m not wanted anywhere.
well i was to much a cowherd to do something…i even let them use me because i hoped thy liked me but guess what happens…well it is not funny i can tell you that
Yeah, I know. I’ve thought of that too before, but learned they’ll keep doing so until you fight them back. Teachers and parents won’t help. You can’t trust them to help you either. I hope they stopped bullying you.
i’m 21 now… and thy leave me now…but thy destroyed my whole live…i don’t even have the curidge to say just “hi” to someone… you could think of it as killing someone from the inside but letting the body live…so simply i’v died a long time ago…i cant even feel my emotions…
Yeah… you can really hurt someone inside and scar them. Wounds on the outside heal.. but wounds on the inside are hard to get rid of.. but I’m sure you can heal it if you have a close friend or family who talk to you and stuff and support you..
I get u…its like when everything goes bad u find someone who makes u think that this is it..and in the end it went all down hill u let ur guard down just to get hurt and not let anyone in again…trust is a huge thing and not easy to find…but I believe that sometimes bad things happen so that we can learn from them to make us strong
Yeah, I gave them all my full trust and then abused it and left me for dead. They make empty promises and talk of high morals, just to use me to feel better and happier and then abandon me when they’re happy again..
indeed…and well i think i cant be healed any more…my life-fuel is almost empty and no gas station…i’m tuffing on my reserves…for now i’m oke but if something happens i’m not able to get away…then i’m stuck…
really living like this and knowing this makes it worse but nothing you can do about it…i have used up my strength…
Im sorry hun…no one deserves to feel like that…I gave up looking for someone a long time ago….realized only person can make u happy is yourself…your the only one who can control how u feel what to say and what to do…once you feel confident and trust in yourself things will change
It’s hard to get up.. when you have no one to give you a hand to stand up…
@Sander Jansen: I’m sure you can reenergize if you have at least one friend or family member to help you up.. but yeah.. knowing what’s wrong and nothing you can do about it does makes things worse.. I know how you feel..
@anotherday: that’s true.. if you’ve been an independent person… but not when you’re already feel so lonely being alone that you can’t even get up anymore… to the point where when you’re all alone and have no one talk to you or near you, you start to suffocate. It’s a hard feeling to describe.. it’s just painful..
my story starts off in the 2e schoolyear… we cal lit here bassisschol
it is the first real school you go to… dont know what you call it
again :p but well i did it over to get rid of a few irritating kids…
(yes then… i was 6 at the time) and it did go good for a bit… but
after half a year i was alone again…and sort of the whole school was
against me… thy loved pulling and pooching me…i often came home with
riped cloths and brooches but i didn’t say a thing…well what could i
do…i was shay… and by the way…everyone lived in my neighborhood
so i did not go outside…just played with myself…
then in the 4th year of that school (i was then 8) i was even used by my
teachers (if someone talked to much i got placed between them)and with
school-swimming (i loved swimming btw) i may not go because i had to
many mistakes in my spelling… well thy diddent know then i am
dislectic… and i got placed against the back wall of thw class so i
didn’t distract others… well i’m autistic…but guess what…thy
didn’t know then…
i left that school after that year and got to special schools…basecly
the same story over and over again…
about when i was 12 my true self died and now i only have this memories
and cant feel most emotions…just locked them away to ease the pain
about the past… i now cant even say hi to someone without feeling
fear…
and now … i’m about 3 years alone in my room (living with my parents
but i see them about 10 minutes a day)
i have only the people on suicide project to talk to that understand me
and respect me…the rest of the world just wants me dead
the 8) seposed to be ” 8 ) “
I tried doing that before.. locking my emotions inside me to ease the pain.. I failed at that. I thought it would help me if I just didn’t feel a thing. I tried and tried, but never could. Instead, I just kept feeling hurt and sad and depressed.
I have teachers who are bad like that too. There are some who care and some who just could care less if you die or not. They just want you to show up in class so they can get money for you being there. I stopped trusting my teachers a few years ago too.
I’m sorry you went through that bullying thing and all that… all I got was people ignoring and not talking to me and trying to use me to feel better and then ditch me after they’re better or found someone else to replace me.. this world sucks..
Im not gonna lie there might always be some kind of pain but without there’s no gain…maybe you were brought onto this website to hear what u have to say and were here to listen…letting you know your not alone
This is the exact way I am. One thing I found that made things more bearable was having an escape. :/ Lame, I know. I really wish I could help you and talk to you more. Your post really stuck out to me, considering I’m going through the same thing myself right now.
Yeah.. I guess that’s true.. though at first I was just searching how to kill myself without pain and stuff on google..
thanks and yea…i googles the same…and somehow i found this site, i was looking to kill myself foolproof…i didn’t want to wake up again and had to explane everything…
and look at me now … i’m one of the more stronger here…helping others and love it…makes me feel that i’m at least useful to some people…