I feel so empty inside. I have no one. Everyone who I ever cared about and loved don’t care about me at all.
The story of my life summed up: Only had girlfriends online. (lame, I know). Too shy to ask a girl out. Every friend that I got close to, end up not caring about me or moving far away and not ever talk to me again. Every new friends I try to make, are always distant from me. My family aren’t close and we don’t do anything together, not even eat in the same room. I’m always stuck inside my room when I don’t have classes and school to attend. No one seems to understand me.
I hate this feeling. No one loves me. They only use me and then abandon me. The first girlfriend I had online like long ago,Â left me cause she wanted a “bad boy.” Then the guy left her shortly after. Then the next girlfriend I had, fell in love with another guy in her neighborhood while still with me. I left for awhile so she can be with him so she can be happy. (I’m stupid, I know). Found out a year or two later that after the month I left, the guy moved and that she is now with someone else. Then the one girl that loved me in school and clinged to me whenever we walked to classes together, IÂ didn’t ask her out andÂ Â now she’s happily with another guy for about 2-3 years now (even though I secretly loved her, I was too shy to say it).Â Â Then the other girlfriends I had, lie to me or cheated on me. Then just two weeks ago, my girlfriend left me. I’m just going to call her “B.”
The girlfriend I had before “A” cheated on me and then left me. I went into depression for a whole month. I even tried killing myself, but failed. Then after I got all better, I met “B.” We got close and she said she knew exactly how I felt. She told me how she would never be like “A” and leave me.Â Then we got together. We were so close. We spent time together day and night. She told me stuff like “you’re my everything. I can’t live without you. Without you with me I think I would kill myself or die in depression. I want to marry you as soon as I can. I love you with all my heart. I want to be with you forever. You’re my world. While you weren’t with me, I felt like everyone else in the world was dead.” We even talked about our futures together a lot. I even saved up enough money to go see her this summer. I was going to move there to be with her.Â I got together with her after she found out that the guy she was with didn’t love her, even from the beginning. She told me she felt empty and that I filled her emptiness and how we can fill each other’s emptiness in life. Then after she’s all happy now and the pain from her ex is gone, she left me. She told me that I was controlling. She told me I kept her from going with her friends… when she was the one who wanted to stay to be with me instead. I even asked her if she wanted to go she could. She said I “indirectly” forced her not to go, when I never did such a thing. Then she tells me that she wasn’t “truly” happy with me the whole time.. even though she always laughed and we were always happy together. She even told me she was. (she said she hated lying and I kept telling her I hate lies too). Then now… she leaves me calling me stuff like “stalker” when I just log online to check for her to be with her. (she used to tell me she does the same and that she felt loved and cared for). Then she also said she wants space. I gave her space for a week, just to find out she was trying to forget about me and move on. I was always there for her… but then when I need her, she left me. I asked her what I did wrong, and she said I was perfect… but she just didn’t have time for me. But yet.. she has time to spend with her friends. She reached a hand out for me as I climbed out of the darkness. I reached a hand out for her while she was stuck in the darkness. When I helped her out of the darkness, I asked her to lend me her hand and pull me out too so we can be together. Instead, she pushed me back down into the darkness. Even further down than from where I was before I met her.
I feel so empty now. I can’t trust my family. I can’t trust my friends. I can’t even trust the person I was deeply in love with and promised to spend our lives together. When I’m alone now in my room, it’s hard to breathe. I sleep after I get home from class. I have no motivation to do anything. No one cares about me. They use me to feel better themselves, then when they’re happy, they leave. It’s always the same cycle. Friends or lovers or family or anyone. I make them feel better while they’re down, and then once they are better, they leave me. I feel so broken and used and thrown away like garbage, over and over and over and over again throughout my entire life. Now I pretty much have no one friends or anyone who will talk to me and be there for me. I’m all alone inside this cage in my room. I just want to end it all.