Sometimes I just want to give up.

February 28th, 2011by floaton

I need to vent. I need to let it all out before it continues nibbling on my insides and destroys me. Last time I spilled my insides to anyone was so long ago. I’ll guess I’ll start from the very, very start. It all started at a very young age. I had a babysitter because my parents were always too busy for me. She was this loud, eccentric middle-aged woman. She was pretty nice. But, as the time progressed I learned that in her house I had no freedom. I wasn’t able to express myself without feeling judged or without being yelled at. She made me resort to bottled emotions. I spent my childhood bottling everything up, hiding. It was a pretty horrible time in my life. Eventually, I started school and that was horrid. I was constantly teased, made fun of. I had no friends. I had nobody. My parents weren’t any better. My mom constantly spent her time bellowing at me and hitting me. My dad would call me names and I’ll take the blows. I took it all and I haven’t been the same since then. I grew up being isolated and so full with emotions. They constantly nibbled at my insides and slowly ate away at me. Eventually, I exploded. I started hearing voices, I started having morbid dreams. Self mutilation became part of my daily basis. I couldn’t take anything anymore. It went on for years and nobody knew. But, one day I was ready to seek help before it was too late. Therapy. Yet, nobody understood. Nobody. I went to rehab for a week. The happiest week of my life. People understood me, related to my situation, helped me. Cared. My mother cried and my father said it was all in my head. They lied. They lied to them, to me, to everybody. It wasn’t fair. I continued therapy and they lied throughout that. But, I met this incredible woman. She opened me up and took away the pain and all the bad and made me good. I told her everything. Absolutely everything. I cried in front of her. She was so amazing. Then she left. I graduated from therapy and I became a hermit again. I haven’t opened up to anyone since her. I don’t think I’ll ever open up to anyone like I did to her. I miss her every second of every minute of every hour of every fucking day. I’m so fucked in the head. Since then I’ve been getting worse. Suicide has been the main topic in my brain. I’ve become molded into walls. I don’t matter anymore to anyone. They’ve all given up on me and it’s disappointing. People leave me. They come and go. My relationships have been complete messes. My life has met a dead end and I don’t know where to go from now. I have nobody to talk to. I want to feel that numbness, watch the blood stream from my arms onto my marble floor. I want that feeling before the downside. I want the sting of the hurting. I want to feel again. I need words of encouragement please, anyone. I’m hurting. I don’t know what I’m doing with myself anymore. This felt so good. Sorry for the mindless ranting.

Suicide, Suicide. My mind keeps telling me to go ahead.

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