What happens when you love life so much? When you love the little things about life, about the people you love, about the beautiful things that happen everyday… but you don’t want to live it anymore? How does that happen? How is that fair? How can a person forget all of the good things in this world, and only see how terrible it can be? How can someone that was nice and peaceful turn into someone so hateful? And how can the person she hates the most be herself? How can she look in the mirror and resent the person she sees? Maybe it’s because that person isn’t her anymore. She doesn’t even know who she is anymore. Is she the sparkly perfect girl she projects? Or the insecure, pathetic, desperate, lonely person she is when no one is watching? She doesn’t know. And truthfully, she doesn’t want to. She walks around with knives in her stomach, constantly chopping her into bits from the inside. She goes to sleep not wanting to wake up, hoping something silently kills her in the night. She pastes a smile on her face for the people she loves, pulling down her sleeves, waiting to go home and add to the angry scratches on her arms. Feeling them throb as a constant reminder of all the things she must keep hidden to save the worry of her loved ones. She pulls her hand back from the pills that might relieve her from this painful existence, this horrible half-life. Saving people from guilt for not saving her. She cries silently in her bed, lungs heaving from choked back sobs and screams. She wonders how long she can exist like this.
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“What happens when you love life so much? When you love the little things about life, about the people you love, about the beautiful things that happen everyday… but you don’t want to live it anymore? How does that happen? How is that fair? How can a person forget all of the good things in this world, and only see how terrible it can be? How can someone that was nice and peaceful turn into someone so hateful?”
I feel all of these things. The guilt of others is also not deterring me from any future suicidal actions. The only thing I can say is that for all the bad in the world, the good is there to counteract; we wouldn’t be capable of enjoying anything if we weren’t supposed to recognize such things as good. Try to live one day at a time and enact positivity into your own life. Do not worry about fixing the world or affecting the world until you can positively affect your own life. I’ve been plagued with negative thoughts for the last six months, but this past week has been good to me. I’ll keep an eye on this thread tonight if you’d like to talk.