Yesterday morning I started to test my suicide project and after a few minutes I started to feel light-headed and dizzy I also felt a bit nauseated but I got out before I pass-out. Now I know that if I stayed longer it could’ve worked and I wouldn’t be here.
So that night I drank half the bottle of rhum and my body went numb, I also had no inhibitions of my feelings…. I took a warm shower while I was high. I was crying really hard and loud, my parents are not home so this I thought is the perfect timing. I was so high that the tiny music comming from my cellphone was clear as day, the dim light in the bathroom was burning bright I couldn’t even tell the difference of a freezing water from scalding hot water in the shower.
I cried inside the shower even sliped on the wet tiles… when I woke up I was still in the shower. But when I saw my eyes in the mirror I can easily pass for a chinese guy because my eyes are really puffed-up from all thoes tears.
It was still dawn, still feeling really drunk… went back to bed woke up with extreme headache but I’ve gotten better after a heavy breakfast.
What happened yesterday left me wondering what could’ve happned if I was drunk and out of my wits when I was testing my suicide plan at the same time.
But crying your heart out really helps… if you want to cope for a while.  I woke with a lighter mood compared to my rock-bottom depression that night.
6 comments
Hey Moe
“What happened yesterday left me wondering what could’ve happned if I was drunk and out of my wits when I was testing my suicide plan at the same time.”
I wonder do you mean if your plan had gone wrong or if you had succeeded?
Because it has been a worry for me too as I would want to be drunk and/or out of my mind so to numb the pain but then you lose control and don’t take as much care normally.
Crying does help……
I was wondering if i could’ve succeeded and I wouldn’t be here eating ice cream and watching tv.
Yes getting drunk set you lose…. you feel things easily so it’s easier to express your feelings and get rid of it, compared to when you are sane and feelings are just locked inside.
Believe me it’s easy to lose control when you’re drunk. I mean you still know what you are doing, you have vague direction but it’s just that you have no inhibitions.
Moe, how are you? Crying my heart out doesn’t work for me. It just leaves me feeling much worse than before. Yup. Not much else I can say but the best of wishes to you. Love you.
:(. Why are you ignoring me. I’m sorry 🙁
Hi Liz… i love u too I hope you’re coping up, i’m still a bit lonely, still mourning, grieving, maybe crying does not always apply to everyone, and i don’t know what else out there that might distract you from hurting inside. But maybe a bit of stimulation might distract you perhaps a strong scent, taste, sensations, music, poems…. or whatever you have in your resources. Me I find drinking distracting, it’s not healthy but it kinda numbs me when i needed it most. I don’t really know what to say Liz…. but i hope you are better than yesterday.
I love you, Moe. And, I miss you.
http://youtu.be/Bu2eB0icQqU
Liz/我愛羅, Gaara