To anyone who knows of me / remembers me, I’m unfortunatly still here. I’ve barely eaten in about 2 weeks now bar a biscuit or two which made me feel completely sick.
I’ve taken to deeper cutting now, preffering to get a knife whenever I can and go real deep rather than just slash a little with scissors or like.. watching the inital cut and the blood flow just does something nothing else can do.
I had a bad session with my counselld or the other week which left me completely confused and I’m still in that confused state now. ‘do I want to die? what if I fail? whats on the other side? what if part of me wants to be happy again? but even if I wanted to how the hell do I do it? how can I ever be the same person as I was before all this now? How can I be happy again if I can’t remember what being happy feels like?’ Thats just a few of the things that make me confused.. Often I have so many going at once that the cutting is a way to focus and channel those thoughts into making sure I do a nice cut.
I’ve watched the same film about 6 times now, I listen to the same sad song on repeat because crying feels better than feeling nothing.
Also, I was sent to a phsyciatrist. Apparently they think I’m 60% reactive-depressed and my thoughts are tangled, I’ve lost my identity, only time can heal etc.. and 40% mentally-depressed which is even if I wanted to get better I just couldn’t because my brain can’t think happily anymore and all that.
So, I’m on new medication which after taking knocks me out for six and I get a glorious thing called sleep, however with this stupid medication I get weird dreams.. I prefer just blackness. But apart from that it does nothing.
If it doesnt work in the next 3-7 weeks then I’m being sent in a mental health hospital..
Guaruntee they’ll force feed me in there, and my death will be delayed even longer.. if only I could just figure out whats stopping me and shut it off so I could just end it all.
4 comments
This is going to sound really discouraging, but if you’re afraid to die or afraid of what will happen afterward, it’s likely you do not really want to die. You have questions; what you need to do is keep searching for answers. It’s only over once you’ve answered those questions and still aren’t happy. If you’ve never attempted to kill yourself and are worried about what will happen, don’t try. I say this because I tried once, nearly succeeded without putting real effort into it, and for curiosity’s sake held out on immediately attempting again to perhaps find a reason to stay here and answer any questions I still had. After you’ve tried once in a serious attempt, you lose that natural fear of death (not of pain, but of death). People commit suicide when they run out of coping mechanisms which make their lives bearable to live. So long as that fear is there, you have work to do to find out if you want life or really want death.
I understand how your feeling. And hey I’m here for ya, if u wanna talk. I’m worried about u especially when you say ur cutting deeper… Try to hang in there… We r all rooting for you. 🙂
Hi,
I assume the medication your on is Mirtazapine? It has all the same side effects as you mentioned. I should know, I’ve been on it myself for the past few months (45mg dose). It helped me somewhat for the OCD, but as an anti-depressant, not so much, although each person is different.
Sorry I never replied to any of you sooner I barely come on here anymore.
@Graychameleon
I have tried 3 times, guess I didn’t really try properly, not like I went to a jump site and stood on the edge or something, 2 times were just trying to choke myself with a rope/bag and the other was cutting which I didn’t really think would work I just did and hoped.. But yeah, for some reason I couldn’t go through with it (alll these attempts were made before this post), still not entirely sure why. Maybe it is because I’m confused about whether I want to or not. I think the reason I’m where I am is because I litterally cannot be the person I was before, I want my old life back, college, girlfriend, band, friends.. happiness. But I know it will never, ever be the same and thats were my suicidal thoughts come into it. I want to live like that but I can’t ever again.
@slain eagle
Thanks.
@molloy86
Not sure what it’s called to be honest, I’m not allowed the packet since they don’t trust me not to OD on it. But all I know is it gives me weird as hell dreams then when I wake up I feel like crap. It’s so hard to explain but it’s like I don’t feel tired but I try to sleep more and I’m just like ugh another day. I mean, I felt like shit when I woke up before the medication but that was more of a ‘oh, I actually woke up..’ sorta thing, whereas this feels different but goes alongside it. I dunno, tried explaining it to people just can’t.