I worried that he would use work as a loop hole to get out of talking to me.. and i am worried that I was right.
I thought everything would be over back in October. Yet I couldn’t go through with it because I thought that maybe despite his actions he cared.
I have given everything to him…heart body and soul. I would do ANYTHING for him.
Last month however, we were both at a lunch with mutual friends…he couldn’t even say anything to me. I have helped him with his work, I have done everything I can think of to make his life better…but […]
May 2011
I haven’t updated in a while because things were getting better, but recently I have been having some real issues again. I tried for the last while to keep looking forward and keep going but now even the kindest acts have turned into hurtful things. My good intentions hurt people and when I keep to myself I am constantly pestered by my friends for being antisocial. My parents make me feel like crap constantly like I am not good enough, they are completely against everything i believe in and it bugs me. I really don’t know what to do at this point, I sort of […]
the sound of silence is more like a ringing noise to me. shit wont get out of my head. iv been running blind with my hands tied my back hoping to fall into a molten crack in the surface of the earth so my body cann be set on fire. this is what i truely desire…i see you from across the room with a guy that looks just like i do cause iv been replaced by a new nameless face that looks just like the one youve been dying to erase. why is this stuck in my fucking head. i wish i were asexual. maybe […]
It’s funny, I guess it isn’t really “funny” per se-but I’ve contemplated suicide since I was old enough to realize that you just keep having to go on and be miserable IF you don’t stop it yourself. Another “funny” thing-I would never have done it, because I didn’t want to hurt my mom. And now-I’m married! And now-I don’t want to hurt my husband. How does one find enough justification to do this when it will hurt the ones they love? It’s the only thing I can think of to stop my pain. But I feel so very selfish.
So I’ve finally registered for this site, even though I’ve been checking this site out for some time…like a year :p.
So another crappy weekend. Memorial weekend and everyone is out having fun. Well, BAH to that! Why does my life suck? Well, a multitude of reasons, but I’ll just mention 1 for right now. It’s cuz I’m always alone!! No one likes me. I don’t understand why I have such a hard time making friends with people. Why do people not like me?? I’m a nice person so I just don’t see why it’s soooo hard to make friends.
*sigh*
…forever alone…
Today was pretty much happy, but for some reason I’m unable to stay that because I start thinking and it’s all negative thoughts and I wish I could make them cease but I’m just unable to so. I feel ugly even though my best friend says I’m not. I feel everyone just hates me when I know they don’t. I feel self conscious about every tiny aspect about me from my hair to the way I walk to my weight to the shape of my face. Sorry this is just random ranting, but I’ve never dated before and ive asked and been turned away, I […]
He’s gone he’s gone he’s gone
it hurts alot to know
he left and not say goodbye
i cry myself to sleep at night
i keep getting sympathy
but now its over
nothing left but memories
its so hard to feel the struggling
oh gosh im now depressed
i feel my heart fall
i feel the tears fall
i see him up above
now he’s in a better place
i hope he’s happy now
he got what he has now
i can feel the pain
as i keep thinking and thinking about you
i loved you like the best friend should
i will always be […]
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The Whisper
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Today is as dark and forboding as my mood,
segmented by each labored staccato breath,
elongated shadows caress the faceless hood
of the relentless messenger of death.
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
Motionless, patiently standing there,
wispering “You’ve got no place to hide”.
Waiting, waiting for me to pay my fare,
for my journey to the other side.
===============================
A Rainy Day
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The rain falls like molten drops of lead,
an endless oppressive silence in my head,
there is nothing anyone has said,
that eases my feeling of painful dread.
– – – – – – – – – – – – –
A cold opaque grayness permeates […]
I wrote a new song last night but didn’t post it. It might be a tad confusing, I apologize if it disorients you. 😉
I wonder what it’s like not to feel this way
I wonder if it’s nice to see the sun and smile
What would it be like if I woke up to another day
And didn’t wish I wasn’t here, for a little while?
I wonder if it’s nice to worry about tomorrow’s test
To stress out with my friends and worry about my grade
What would it be like if my mind had some rest?
If I could sit and sip cold lemonade
Would I sit and smell the flowers?
Would […]
Nothing ever goes right for me and im through with being fucked over time and time again. Ive had enough.
I wrote this again at another painful time, and I thought that maybe submitting and allowing you to read some of the poetry I have written would lower some of my walls and let you guys in and see through my eyes. Enjoy.
I don’t know where to start,
I feel as if I’m falling apart.
Reality is finally kicking in,
I just don’t know where to begin.
The weight of the world on my shoulders, making me cry for air,
Not like anyone would help me, no one would dare.
If only you could see the real me,
Buried underneath all this agony.
Hidden under all this ebony,
Therein lies a tragedy.
Wishing so desperately […]
A poem I wrote, maybe a little confusing but I wrote this at a more depressing time (in my eyes). Hope someone will like this.
My heart, always bleeding and always will be broken,
Waiting for it to be awoken.
Hidden deep within me,
Far beyond entry.
You will find a key,
One that will unlock me.
It is contained in a heart shaped box,
That is covered in dangerous locks.
Only the bravest will dare, if any at all,
Which leads to my great downfall.
My stupidity will surely be the end of me,
My dreams have been taken from me.
Hiding my heart shaped box,
Covered in dangerous locks.
Hidden deep below,
Where not even the bravest would dare […]
At some points in my life I feel absolutely still, like there’s nothing but silence, it hurts more tha the worst sounds.
I’m pulling away from everything and I don’t know why. I normally hang out with my two best friends, one’s a girly girl and the other…well she classifies herself as a scene, and I’m emo. But I usually talk with them every morning but I didn’t today, and I have no idea why.
They asked later on “what’s wrong” I just said I wanted to be focused on school (if you knew me you would figure out that I detest, loath school and want nothing […]
My blood slows down.
My pulse steadies.
Clearing my head of any painful thoughts.
Slipping into the best I can be.
Lifeless.
No more
Gone.
Existence is overwhelming,
Death,
Is too inviting.
Slipping into the best I can be.
Lifeless.
Someone wrote this and I really like it.
——————–
I find people that scream “selfish” to those who consider suicide sort of…well…selfish! It seems like they’re saying “I don’t mind as long as YOU are the one that’s suffering unbearable pain for years on end with no end in sight. Buck up…it’ll get better…maybe.” The second someone actually commits suicide however and it’s them feeling any sense of pain, all of a sudden it’s a big problem. Are you saying that your feelings and emotions are more important than someone considering suicide? The huge difference is that a lot of people never get over suicide, […]
…an old country song by Don Williams
Lord, I hope this day is good,
I’m feeling empty and misunderstood.
I should be thankful Lord I know I should,
But, Lord, I hope this day is good.
Well I have not posted on here for a while as but I figure it is a good place to vent without fear of consequences, anyway I am just so tired of it all. I’m just running through the motions, yet another day, exhausted and lost. wishing it to be undone. I’m stuck in limbo, can’t go back and I can’t or don’t want or too scared to go forward…I just don’t know. all I do is think about ways to leave
I’d thought that I share some song lyrics as this song plays over and over constantly and I feel it very apt  for me, even tho it’s about something […]
I can’t do anything right.
All I want to do is die. The other day I went searching for pills or anything that would be useful to me in the future and I am too scared to admit this to anyone. I’m too scared to tell them that all I think about is death, and slitting my wrists when no one is around. Sometimes I try to remember when I got each scar. The deepest one is from the Thursday before I attempted suicide. It was the day I cut my hair, too. I went to school crying, unable to tell my friends why. What was […]
I figured I’d tell my story, given that I decided today that I want to live for a while. I almost let myself bleed to death, but I didn’t want my sister to find me in a puddle of blood in the bathroom. Anyway, I’ve only given you guys bits and pieces you’ve had to gleam from my poetry and such, and that’s not fair. You shouldn’t have to work hard to understand me. But that’s just how I am. No one really knows me, not even my closest friends. My best friend always says that: “Lisa, you’re so mysterious. It’s really cool.” Anyway, I’m […]
They say we are selfish for wanting it to end.They say we should stay alive we are too young.Do they know what I go through each day?Do they know what she does?The dark feeling begins,first the whisper of the voice, saying it’ll all be over soon.Then the screaming of the voice telling me to just do it. Then something good happens so I get an inkling of hope. Only to have snatched around by her.
she is the reason for my problems. Once again you say it is selfish for me to want it to end. It’s selfish for you to want me to stay […]