Will it hurt?

May 7th, 2011 by vmy19

Hi there. I found this site doing what I guess you could call “suicide research.” I’m 15 and seriously contemplating to kill myself but there are so many things that I’m unsure of.

I plan on overdosing on a combination of stillnox (sleeping pills) and panadol (paracetemol). I have access to both and it seems to be fairly painless… But, being the over-anxious perfectionist I am, I did some research into this and found that it is actually painful to die of liver failure and if I’m not successful, the pain of having my stomach pumped is an issue.

For those who have experienced this: how much does it hurt to have your stomach pumped or suffer from liver failure?

Another thing, do you believe that if you commit suicide you go to hell or some other equivalent?

I was raised catholic and my mother is deeply religious. Sometimes, I feel so confused as to what to do. I feel suicide is the right and only option for me, yet, I’m absolutely terrified of the consequences.

Thanks for taking the time to read this. Also, I would really appreciate some input.

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34 Responses to “Will it hurt?”

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  1. Hi vmy19, sorry you’re here. I can’t say much about liver failure or stomach pumping, but I once took a bottle of sleeping pills just to see what would happen (not a suicide attempt, ironically). I did NOT go peacefully to sleep like in the movies. Instead I got very anxious & irritable, like every bone in my body was itching. Not fun. Maybe my problem was taking them all at once instead of gradually building up the poison.

    About suicide & Hell, that’s one of my favourite topics. I don’t personally believe in the idea that a benevolent god would punish us. Would you punish a child who was depressed & overwhelmed with life? If anything, I believe a benevolent god would take pity on his failures. That being said, I do believe it’s possible for the afterlife (if there is one) to be worse. For example, suppose your soul roams the earth in the same state of torment you feel when you die–except now you can’t try to make things better because you’re a disembodied spirit?

    There’s an interesting poem called “Poor Devil!” by Benet. It’s basically about a guy who blows his brains out, and the last line is:

    “My last state ten times worse than was my first.
    Helpless I stood, befooled, betrayed, accursed,
    Fettered to Life forever, horribly;
    Caught in the meshes of Eternity,
    No further doors to break or bars to burst!”

    I guess anything is possible, heaven or hell, stagnation or nonexistence. I think about this stuff all the time, but I guess no one ever knows for sure until they do it.

  2. Hello dear girl

    thank you for posting. We, me, and many others are here to help you and I am pretty sure we can help, at least to an extent where it does make a difference. But the point is not about discussing methods of suicide here or there. That is no good because then we are not helping you.

    To start, you could write what makes you feel like this, to contemplate suicidal ideas, etc. Particulary at the age of 15 one can become drowned in a glass of water, because naturally, due to age, it is impossible to asses things from above or from the distance of years.

    Of course, I fully understand that no matter what the issue is, it can be very painful for you, but this is where we can help. Truly.

    Is it a hell at home ? at school ? someone who hurt / abused you ? broken expectations ? whether it is that or a million times worse, write about it. And I will study it and will give you my view and proposal for solution point by point.

    looking forward to hearing from you


  3. I OD’d on paracetemol and it was fucking horrific, and that obviously wasn’t enough to kill me. The next day the doc told me that dying from liver failure is one of the most painful death’s you can imagine.

  4. you seem like an smart girl and if your having doubts, then you still have time to save yourself. i agree with scooby about our soul. think about it, we kill our bodies, but maybe our soul will continue on after death. i believe our soul will still feel the emotional pain. and the orcale hits some very good points. turning an negative thought to an positive outcome. by writing them down or you can take care of something. an animal. whether its small like a fish or more work like an dog. your very young and the future looks fuzzy right now. dont miss out on something great just because its going to be hard. we are here for you. take care.

  5. Hi, honestly I have over dosed a few times in the past, each time failing (obviously) and the pain is horrible. Please rethink this. My family is catholic, and I was raised that suicide=hell. But I don’t believe it, I do however believe that since you’re 15 (I’m 16) that it’s not even close to worth it to kill yourself. If you ever need someone to talk to, ask for my email.

  6. without talking about suicide methods too much overdosing on panadol can be one of the worst even if done correctly it can be weeks of excruciating pain. I agree with fallenpastthe_cliff at 15 there is still more to live for. I wrote a suicide note to my family at 14, I am so glad that I didn’t take my life then…

  7. Firstly, thanks for all the replies. I was kind of unsure whether or not anyone would reply…

    Scooby: what did you mean by letting the poison gradually build up? Also, I did find the poem very interesting.

    Oracle: thanks for your concern/thoughts. When I was 13, I was admitted into hospital for depression and suicidal thoughts/intentions I’ve always had problems at home and I guess things begin to downspiral at school with my depression and other things. I used to love to write. Maybe I’ll post some more things.

    Stratocaster1986able:how much paracetemol did you take? Also, hy did it not work?

    Fallenpastthe_cliff: do you think you could describe the pain? Was this pain because you had to have your stomach pumped? Say if I was successful, would I go through this same pain? Also, I would love your email. I find it hard to talk to people I know because I’m scared they’ll judge me, but the anonymous nature of the Internet is somewhat comforting.

    Wastedlife: I plan on combining panadol with stillnox. I’m hoping the effects of the sleeping pills will somewhat dull the uncomfort. When I was 13, I had it all planned out… But failed because a friend got suspicious and told. Although I was really angry at her, I’m somewhat glad because I was going to kill myself out of anger (what I now know as not right). But this time, I am more sure about what I am doing.

  8. @to anybody discussing suicidal methods:

    You will be convicted of Assisting to Suicide, which is a felony. Keep that in mind. That once you write it, you have litteraly signed your name and location.


    If you like to write, post some excerpts or send them to me if you want. I have written 3 books, but not in English. Sure I can comment with you what you write.

  9. Oh gosh, you are 15-??!! I was suicidal at 16 or so, but I’m sooo glad I didn’t do it cause I’d have missed soo much good in my later years!!
    (I hated high school at first, but then it kinda got better and I loved my uni years a lot – still wasn’t perfect but MUCH better than before!!)

    Please take some time and maybe find some help or good books or online sites/forums that could help you change your life for the better!!

    Suicide is very permanent and problems are usually not-so permanent !!

    Why would you think suicide as ‘the only option’??

    I know having super-religious parents can suck (my parents are super-Catholic too!), you can move away from them when you are a bit older – or maybe even now, if you have any friends or relatives you could stay with?

    Have you been having a hard time or religious differences or do you think you might be gay or bi or ‘other’ or such?

  10. Of course getting my stomach pumped was beyond painful, but even before that, when the drugs were setting in, it was beyond horrible. The first time I was screaming in pain. over-dosing seems like it would be easy, but don’t do it. It’s horrible. Also, my email is alexafpanda@aol.com I’m willing to simply listen, or give advice. And I get it, I’m not exactly a fan of talking to people about this stuff, but it’s easier to email or message people :) just email me anytime you want to talk or need help.

  11. Hey vmy19, I hope you’re doing better today. What I meant by gradually building up the poison is that the body has a natural resistance to sudden toxins… you may puke, gag, become agitated or (like I did) totally freak out. I took all the pills at once, but I was thinking maybe if I had done 1 pill every 15 minutes it would be less of a shock to the system. Either way I don’t recommend sleeping pills.

    Oh jeez, I just noticed that you’re only 15. You’re way too intelligent for your age! (I hope I didn’t sound like a condescending putz just then) What I mean is if you give life some more time, “grow” into your brain and let the world catch up with you, I think you’ll have things sorted out by the time you’re 21. Then you’d be a serious force to reckon with.

    How bout you do this. Make a list of all the things you’d like to do before you die. Then pick 2 or 3 of the best ones and do them. I dunno… hike across Europe, save a stray dog, go to a Lady Gaga concert… if you’re going to die anyway, why not have a party before you go? You have 1 great thing going for you: you’re young and you can do a lot of things, so here’s your chance.

  12. Oracle: what language did you write your books in? Is English your second language? If so, it’s very good.

    Mia007:I like to read alot. I sometimes go to the library or buy self-help books but they don’t seem to work. As for online help, I suppose this website is somewhat therapeutic in it’s own sick way. Suicide seems to be my only option because there is nothing in my life to look forward to. I guess I have two options, keep living my life the way it is, or suicide. Both options hold severe consequences, but when the pros and cons of life are laid out, suicide exceeds living.

    As for my parents- my living situation is kind of unusual. My parents are separated with my dad in sydney (Australia). I live with my mum and we moved to Perth or a year but now, I’m living in Indonesia (where my mum is from). It makes it much more difficult for me to get help in a way. I would love to move out but can’t. There is no way for me to be somewhat independent in Indonesia. All my friends are in Australia… Plus, I barely speak
    the language- makes it rather difficult to get a job etc…

    However, I have a clear view on my sexuality. I have just been feeling the effects of everything weighing me down and see no future for me.

    Also, thanks for taking the time to reply to my post.

    Scooby: if I took one pill every 15mins, I think my body will have felt the effects of the stillnox and before I can take enough, I probably will have already fallen asleep!

    Thanks, but not really. I think for things to sort out, I must be willing to do so. I guess, things just seem to be too difficult to sort out hence, I’m not exactly willing to get my life together.

    I like writing lists. “things to do before I die” is one of them. But you know that feeling where you feel “what’s the point?” I guess I feel that all the time.

  13. The “what’s the point” feeling, yeah, I’ve been getting that a lot lately. And when it hits nothing can cut through.

    And you’re so right… we have to be willing to get our lives together before we can think about making it happen.

    I’m curious, what sort of stuff do you have on your “things to do before I die” list? I like seeing what other people dream about, especially those of us who don’t have many dreams left.

  14. Things I want to do before I die:
    1. Tell them I’m sorry
    2. Make sure my dad is ok
    3. Take my dog back
    4. Tell them what’s wrong with me
    5. Experience love
    6. Go out as myself
    7. Stand in the roof of a high rise building and just look down
    8. Make a three course meal and eat it
    9. Finish my artwork
    10. Play my old piano and get it back
    11. Just lie down under the stars
    12. Make the perfect playlist
    13. Have a place I can call home
    14. Pack up all my things
    15. Leave

  15. Do you have a list?

  16. Also, I really do hope your “what’s the point” feeling goes away. I think alot of the people on this site hope for it too.

  17. 15 is much too young to give up. Please don’t do it. I have known LOTS of people that suffered severe depression in their teens and early 20′s but are happy adults. Hang in there. Please.

  18. Hi, I only recently discovered your post. Are you still here? I hope you are. I’ve been feeling the same, I’m 15 & I would love to talk if you wanted to xxx Please don’t commit suicide xxxxxxxxx

  19. Ok, I’m definitely going to hell (not just because of suicide). But Catholic Law states that any way of dying an unatural death by anyone’s hand is considered a sin. This also includes suicide but being a Catholic disciple I understand that pugatory is probably where you’d be heading if you don’t want to turn away God. Still though, you have to regret all your sins and ask for forgiveness so I’m guessing you won’t be that sorry if you do. But all in all, yes you will go to hell for killing yourself.

  20. getting your stomach pumped herts like a B***h

  21. is anyone still there ? I found this website while looking for ways to commit suicide, thinking about doing it the same way as the person who posted this. i’m 15 also, i just turned it recently actually. one of my best friends who lives in the same state told me about how she overdosed on sleeping pills and she was rushed to the hospital and had her stomach pumped. she told me that she doesnt remember anything really after taking the pills, and that she doesnt remember any pain. she took the whole bottle of pills. this makes me really want to do it. she said she doesnt remember anything hurting, but other people on this website does say it hurts. i’ve been depressed for about a year now, and i’ve always planned out in my head how i would commit suicide, but i’m too scared to do it, because i’m hearing its the scariest thing ever, and i dont want to hurt my 2 best friends if i die. i dont know what to do. i want to but i dont know if i can get myself to. i would love to talk to anyone who wanted to. xoxx

  22. If you commit suicide I don’t think you would go to hell. They say god has the good people go to heaven right? But if your good and commit suicide for the pain everyone caused you I believe if there is a heaven you would go to it. I don’t think that god would want you to suffer again and he wi understand why you killed yourself. (This isn’t suppose to encourage you to kill yourself it’s just my opinion)

  23. on the evening of 3-3-13 I tried to commit suicide……….

    I slit my wrist. Then I took 30 sleeping pills. Can you guess what happened next? It stopped the bleeding and thats how I survived…………. Ironic isnt it. I recently just figured out why it is that I did not die that way. And mind you im not a super religious person but I feel that I was spared because I still need time to build a proper relationship with the lord. Im almost 30. I had never been baptized and it had been many years since I had participated in communion or dedicated my life to Christ for that matter. Since then I have done both of those things and I feel that when it is my time to go I will be alined properly to be entered into the gates of heaven instead of the damnation lake of fire that I almost placed myself. Did I have time to ask for forgiveness?? YES. Did I do so? YES. BUT even with that in place, when it came time to be judged I honestly can say that my case wouldnt of been strong enough to hold water and I would of been condemned for eternity. So NOW I am thankful that it did not work. See this life that we have here on earth is nothing but a temporary wisp of vapor smoke. Eternity is everlasting. We do what we can on earth so that we can one day lay at rest. I hope that helps you. I will soon be posting my story, I just have a lot to say and am waiting for the right time to share my story. If you ever need to talk ask me for my email addy. OH, and I have posted before. If your interested in reading my story you can read it here: http://suicideproject.org/2011/09/01-03-11-is-what-got-me-back-to-my-su/

    All the best, but let me tell you, if you do try, chances are it will not work. You will be left to deal with all the repercussions that come with a suicide attempt from all your family and friends [take it from someone living the experience] and that in itself isnt even worth the trouble.

  24. shutup and dont kill yourself. :* *hugs*

    and as youre a religious mothers daughter ..id like to tell you that whoever committs suicide will be sent to hell.

  25. mayla 1

    Youre only 15 ..I know youre depressed but when you will be 18 you will realize that these things wont matter .Trust me . Iam 20 and with experience I am telling you this. Just relax and enjoy your life or atleast for me try to live 2 more years and you will get to know that I was right.
    Everything will be okay, I promise. <3

  26. At 15 I was depressed but wanted more to prove they couldn’t keep me down than to die. At 30 I grow weary. I am glad I survived because I met some amazing people who really taught me the value of loving myself. However, depression never really goes away. You will have great times and sometimes sad times but hold on. You never know what may happen tomorrow.

  27. Hello. I’m 15 also. When I overdosed I layed in bed until I couldn’t take the pain any longer. The pain does get pretty bad. I can handle pain quite well. All I know is that if you throw up they won’t pump your stomach. I had very little to no damage at all done to my liver. So I don’t know how actual liver failure feels like. Hope this helps.

  28. I don’t know if you’re alive but I’m the exact same way. I wanted to know how much does it take to kill you. If the pain is that bad I’d probably shoot myself. And anyways. I just turned 14. You may not reply or even care but nvm just know we are like the same.

  29. lately ive been struggling with the “whats the point” question as well. i actually and sadly spent almost every night this week with a knife to my throat. ive talked to people on this sight and they have great insights and if it wasnt for them i probably wouldnt be commenting right now. i guess what im trying to say is youll know if you want to commit suicide when you dont care about the pain or other effects and you honestly feel that the pain you feel alive will outweigh that when you die. good luck and hopefully your still here to read this. by the way god supposedly forgives all sins so?

  30. stabbymike i feel the same way. my life is over run i got cadets and ski racing it is fun but evrey time i do somthing new with my life i just give up on it. friends, hobbys, sailing flying and pretty much evrey thing but video games and food. then i tell myself to read books on this problem and i can find any. but in a glimpse i discovered the bible. for three months i have been preparing for my departure into heaven. all that im saying is for evrey one on this site try to fing a souloution and if leads back to suicide then just do it. p.s god does forgive all sins so you will go to heaven if you prepare for it.

  31. ps dont listen to what other people have to say just let your self make the deciosion it will be more in nature and a use of force

  32. Well, I’m not sure why, but here I am, over 2 years later. I am still alive. I’m turning 18 soon. I’m graduating high school. I am living. It’s both lovely and sad to see how this thread has managed to survive 2 years on.. There are just too many people out there going through hell without support. What I really wanted to say though, without sounding like some stupid, condescending, cliche psych, is that there is hope. You just have to work to find it and you just have to keep at it. I don’t doubt I may relapse. That’s just the way mental illness is. But at least I know I can come out the other side and hopefully each time will get easier.

  33. I was doing research on how to end my life and found this.. I never had these thiughts before. but I’m so glad you didn’t follow through with it. I have ruined my relationship with my parents and my fiancĂ©. I love them and I love him so much. I feel like just ending my life. It was our wedding day yesterday and I ruined it by being a selfish brat. I am not a bad person but I have made a big mess. We are suppose to be getting married Sunday but I don’t know if he will forgive me. i can’t live with out him. I just want to jump off a bridge and make everyone happy.

  34. Hello Maxy1, you have a friend in me coz i’m feeling very alone right now and don’t want you feel you have to end your life. There is many a time I feel life needs to end but keep hoping and praying things will get better and they will but it is just a case of depending on God to get strength through hard times. I’m sure he will forgive you.

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