wow i havent been on here in a while i though id let everyone who cares know how im doin…ive gotton a lot better i still have my times when i gotta fight hard to stay out of the depression slup but im manging to hold my head up:) ive made new friends and did a lot of work to get my self happy agian. i still have the most amazin boyfriend ever and the worlds best friends and haileys doin great she can finnaly say all her abc’s well i guess thats all if anyone need someone to talk to im here to help:)
June 2011
I feel like SHIT today. I could berely get out of bed. And today is supposed to be ”family day”. Great! I don’t wana go anywhere or do anything or see anyone. I just want to be aloneee. The cuts that I did a few weeks back are now scars. But I cut pretty bad so the scars are very noticable, even with my newer cuts. But I like them. They remind me. And in some way, make me feel a bit better. But they also make me wana cut more, and make more just like that. I make sure I pick the scabs so […]
I have to wear a bathingsuit/bikini today. I’m insecure about how I look. All I own is a bikini because my bathing suit looks like crap. We’re going to Dorney/water park. I hate how I look.Â
I wish I looked better. I have pink hair (under my blonde) AND I LOOK BAD! My legs and ass are huge. I don’t know how I’m going to go out today and like… take off my shorts. Ew…
I hate it..
how can people be so mean.
so cruel.
id rather you slapped me in the face than speak words.
someone slaps you – your face shows the pain
but the cuts heal, and in the end your only left with better reflexes.
when you say the words, you crush people.
and every time you bring them down, there self worth fades
and slowly there left cold and pathetic thinking they are everything they were told
‘your fucking useless’
‘your so fucking dumb’
‘god your a fucking waste of space’
at first you laugh – you know thats not true.
then you think, hey.. maybe it is
then you think. who the fuck needs me here, im such a […]
Im just going to come out and say it. I might just leave this site. It help somewhat, but ehh its like… i dont know that i shouldnt be here. I just… might just go. From here and the this world. I might just drown or jump infront of a car. Who knows it might even work. Mmmhm all i want is to die is all. Leave this suffering world to other people to deal it. I might come ever now or then might comment or two; thats probably it. Forget about posting my problems. Forget even posting a poem on here. I guess i […]
is how easily the words flow out. not THAT quickly compared to some of you maybe but lightspeed for me. i’ve always felt depression is like a great fear of the known. everybody has it but to openly discuss it is counter-productive and only worsens it in others. so, i lock it in. if others get a leak, i’d patch it up and double-check the seals of mine. eventually i released a bit. it gushed out, Â then reduced to a steady flow. Â i regretted it after. so much regret. i slapped and dumped buckets of sealant so it would never happen again. but the pressure […]
you cant show emotion
you are told to sit erectly, bow down obediently and stay still..
..just like a doll
So I’m back here again…
I thought I was done, and to be honest i do feel better than i did a week ago but i still feel stupid.
Stupid for telling my mom the facts of my past. stupid for letting her know i was, at one point suicidal,… (and still have tendencies at times)… i knew she wouldnt understand, i dont know why i told her. stupid. but she doesnt have to understand and i finally realize that my life is better as a secret unto myself. a mystery to be beheld by few. much has happened since i told her for that was months […]
People doubt my abilities. My mind is like a raging spiral of endless possibilities. The best thing about being a dreamer is that pretend time is all the time. My imagination is never ceases to amaze me. How something so small could result in something so epicly mind blowing. Some people have a problem with it, which quite frankly i don’t understand. You tell me to calm down and be normal but if anything I’m not normal. And I’m never gunna conform to the social norm that our society is based upon nowadays just to please your preconceived notions on how you want me to […]
My girlfriend’s parents are f**ked in the head and i’m tired of it.  Her moms a manipulative controlling b***h, her dad goes bar hopping trying to get some random a** one night stand, plays BS games with everybody, and doesn’t tell anybody about what is going on. Ex.: there was supposed to be a cookout before my GF left to go to mexico with her mom and a few other family members…. So for the past 2-3 weeks i  wanted to kick her dads teeth in and rip her mom a new one(yes i know this wont solve anything but i will feel so much better if i […]
I’m worthless
I’m back.
Not like anyone cared.
You should. I’m ugly and fat, I’m selfish, I’m just a horrible person. I’m not sure why some people don’t agree with me. The only reason I’m still alive is because of my brother and sister. I shouldn’t be alive. I don’t deserve life. All I deserve is a long painful death.
Make sure you have read My Story.. Before reading this.
Back when she still talked to me, but after we stopped being “brother & sister”, I went into a desperate attempt to get her to be my sister again. She told me no. So I asked her why and she said that it was too stressful that I hurt her too much. So the reason that she did everything else was becuz of what I did to her. I harassed her with questions, stressed her out, and worst of all, I hurt her. I never meant to do any of that to her. I deserve everything […]
I’m not suicidal. I don’t want to die. Not yet. Not until I’ve done something good in this world and made my own mark. Not until I’ve had children and raised them to be far happier than I am. Only when I’m old do I want to die.
But I want to disappear. I want to cease to exist. Vanish. Or rather, I want for all my problems to vanish. I want to hide away in this room the rest of the day and forever onwards, shirking responsibility. I don’t want to help with my sister-in-law’s wedding today. I don’t want to see all the wedding […]
I was hoping you could send me some private email to JonesHenry@hotmail.fi
I have repetitively tried to kill myself in the past 3 or 4 years. My Doctor and counselor hospitalized me the day my dad committed suicide because they said i had an 80% chance of doing it myself. I was VERY close with my father.. i was only 12 when he did it. My mother was cheating on him and after 3 months of knowing of who it was and several more details about the affair, he hung himself. That morning my family lied to me and said they found him laying in the garage then told me i was heading to the mental hospital. […]
I’ve never tried to kill myself. I’ve contemplated it for years though.. for 5 long years and, I think I’m ready. There’s nothing really left for me here.
The one person I thought I could trust informed me a while back that he’s been using me for sex and finally found a girlfriend. Lovely. What upsets me most about it is that I told him a few years back that I was sexually abused from the time I was 5 til about 10. He acted like he cared, even told me that he loved me. Until him, I thought that no one could ever love me […]
For a while now I’ve been considering deleting this account.For me I don’t see what this site has done. If anything my depression is worse. Maybe it’s just me. I’m not sure.
In all of my posts I feel…uncollected? Like it’s all bundled together and just doesn’t make sense anymore. But when I write it, it makes perfect sense to me. Is it because my thoughts are that way? Am I crazy? I don’t know. Nothing seems to make much sense anymore.
Everything in my eyes seems to be a blur. And everyone’s just walking by, enjoying things. Things I don’t see, don’t have, don’t feel. I’ve […]
Is being kind such a bad thing?
Kind and caring; two traits I’ve been deemed with ever since birthed into this strange, cruel world.
It seems like a blessing, whatever that means, but feels ultimately.. like a curse.
When one lives for others they find no room for themselves; they’re squeezed out of their own personal schedules and discarded as if meaningless.
When someone feels this way.. how can they ever turn back?
I’m already gone from my mind; am I truly missing?
Or am I still somewhere in the vastness of my own memories..?
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Waiting […]