July 30th, 2011by notinteresting1
I’ve posted here before, a couple of times. This time though… I’m not sure if I’m going to make it. This year, I knew something was up, on the eve of my 20th birthday I felt more regret, dispair and suicidal than I ever had before. Since then, I seem to be living in constant paranoid fear, regretting everything I’ve done in the past. It feels as though I can no longer excape. Yesterday I started planning my suicide, I have never done this before. I planned to write a suicide note, post ‘goodbyes and sorrys’ on every website I am a member of and to walk to a local bridge, and jump off it. It seems the least harmful to others. I keep crying, feeling guilty for the hurt I’m going to inflict on my friends and especially my family should I do it, but there feels no way out. The only other way is to run away, change my name and start life somewhere, probably abroad.
This is such utter drama/so melodromatic that I feel ashamed. I don’t want to hurt my family, they don’t deserve it. I don’t want to miss my university graduation in November. I don’t want to be the person they talk about in choked/hushed tones “she killed herself, I wish I could have done something-”. I don’t want to be here any more though. I know I’m a coward and a selfish one at that, but I just can’t spend another night pacing, cursing myself. I can’t spend any more days physically sick and in pain from worry and paranoia. It’s killing me.
I’m not looking for sympathy. I don’t expect any. I know many people deal with these kinds of feelings and perservere, changing their lives and themselves. I know if I put in more effort I could probably do it but it feels like I’m too exhausted. I just can’t generate any good emotions.
I am a selfish git.
I keep hurting myself. Not cutting but bashing my head into things. It doesn’t make me feel better or improve a situation, but I do it anyway. It makes me feel even more like an idiot.
I just wish I could stop feeling so petrified, I’ve never suffered from anxiety before this year. I want to stop wanting to walk out in front of fast traffic or to fall off of bridges. It’s crazy but it won’t get out of me.
I’m gunna try and convince myself not to do it, but I worry so much. Paranoia is so powerful, I have so much more sympathy for people suffering from anxiety. It’s even more powerful than depression for me. Depression makes me want to die, but sucks out my willpower and energy to do it. Anxiety makes me want to die, but increases my energy and willpower with adrenaline.
Thanks for listening to my crazy ramblings.