Unexpected.

When your mother dies in your arms from the common flu you’re never the same. It is true what they say about being able to tell when a person’s soul leaves their body. Their eyes glaze over. They become unfocused black pools. It’s not a major event. It’s very tiny but it’s life changing. They say you go through stages of grief, but I think that’s all total bullshit. I never felt angry and I never felt the need to forgive her death. I feel absolutely nothing. Not that I didn’t love her. I loved my mother with everything I had. I mean I have always felt numb. I masquerade around with a smiling happy face during daylight hours, but when I’m alone I feel nothing. I’m beautiful and talented. I can’t have male friends because they end up resenting me because I am not interested in their advances. I have absolutely no sex drive. I’m moving up steadily within my career choice. You’d never guess that I have a horrible fascination with my death. I almost never discuss my feelings. I hardly ever show any emotion because then people start asking questions I don’t feel like answering. I never complain. I always try to keep my head down. I also always keep my personal business to myself. I’m the one that walks into a room and I can have everyone laughing within ten minutes. I find that although I have a few faithful friends most of the people who are supposedly my friends are only out for themselves. People get extremely jealous of me and constantly do hurtful things. Mainly because I am attractive. Please don’t think I’m bragging. If I could I’d be ugly because then I’d be able to be invisible. The rumors are the worst. I try to ignore them but its always impossible. Recently my relationship has fallen apart and I’ve found myself single again, which is no surprise. Everyone always thinks I have it together, but I’m starting to unravel. I fantasize about switching places with a terminally ill person so at least they’d get to take advantage of my life. Most nights when I lay down to sleep, I hope that I die in my sleep. I use to have a list of all the reasons I had to live for. And I came to the realization last week that there isn’t anything left on the list. I don’t know exactly how much longer I can hold on.