Well here goes…I am 14 yrs old and my birthday is in October.In my family its an accomplishment to not be pregnant.My mom had me when she was 14 and her mom had her when she was 15 and her mom had her when she was 16.So you see me not pregnant is just great.Im constantly looking for…love I guess…I just want somebody to need me and want me in their life…after all I was that close to being aborted.My mom says my dad raped her but he’s my dad…idk if I could believe he couuld do such a mean thing.When I was 8 I […]
August 2011
Hi, Bliss again.
I’m ready. I’m doing it tonight. Overdosing. 4,500mg of Bupropion (my mother’s anti-depressants) and a bunch of ibuprophen. Think it’ll work?
I was happy this morning. Now I’m just confused again. School in general was alright albeit shitty teachers and shitty organization for the first day (especially with the bus, I was 2 hours late this afternoon coming home; thank god I don’t have a job.). The girl I liked wasn’t there though.
That being said, I met up with my ex again today because for some reason we’re still close friends. She gave me a shirt for my birthday she got on vacation, and we hugged alot and talked about the concert on sunday.
This is the part that kills me now: I think I love her […]
I’m depressed again. So fucking depressed. My dad promised he would make my life as easy and simple as possible when we moved back to America, but it’s been hell. Nonstop work, devil cousins, more nonstop work, I wouldn’t even have time to cut myself if I was allowed to. My dad still makes me eat, and now I’m getting fat. And I hate myself even more. So soo much more. Why can’t he just fucking leave me alone?! And my sister still hates me for no reason. I’m so stressed about everything, sometimes I get heart attacks from it but no one cares. and […]
for the longest time ther was this girl i kinda knew never talked to but she was so beautiful i knew i wanted to ask her out and this was before my month long hospital experience so after going bak to skool i tried to get to knw her and found out we had a lot in commen so i just thot hey maybe its meant to be then i get one of my guy friends to ask her out for me and she says no (bummer) but i move on and ask another girl out thinking maybe she will say yes (it wasnt to […]
I wish there was someone near me, someone to be there for me, not just over the net or in text, but in person. I want a physical relationship with someone again. I want to have friendships and more, in person. I’m tired of hiding behind a computer screen. But where do I start? I can’t…
It’s 8:30 in the morning. And all I can think of is killing myself. I wake up every morning to another shitty day. And it’s not getting better. I go to bed every night with the urge to just kill myself. Then I wonder what the morrow will bring. And it just happens again. Someone told me that if I follow through with it, I will leave behind a world of hurt. But I’m not doing this for anyone else. I’m doing it for me. To end my hurt. I won’t be around to feel sorry for the decision I made. I won’t be around […]
It’s the first day of school, I’ve mentioned this. Guess what, it’s also my birthday. I’m 16.
When I woke up this morning (and especially in the shower) the signifigance of turning another year older hit me, because 15 was a shitty year for me. Just about everything tragic and bad in my teenage life happened over the course of 12 months, I’m glad to be putting that behind me. Last night, when I couldn’t sleep, I listened to some songs I played during the winter my ex dumped me, they reminded me (first, how much I love winter as opposed to summer, and) about all […]
I had a bit of a breakdown today. My Dad got mad at me for something not at all my fault (which he always does when something bad happens, it’s always someone’s fault) and it just made me think about how people get pissed at me, and I couldn’t shake that feeling of uselessness. I got in my car but before I could even make it out of the driveway I just started screaming and losing my mind, it scared me a bit, because I don’t usually (ever) just scream and lose control. I drove half a block to an alleyway so I could rail […]
So I’m planning to drive into a power pole just across the motorway on Friday. This way I can die quietly and it will look natural.
Would 75mph, 120km be fast enough to kill myself instantly?
Thanks
Lately I’ve been having some less suicide based thoughts and more homicidal ones. Starting to scare myself a bit, what about you guys? ever thought about killing instead of dying?
I feel dead. Stab. Caedo even. He change he really change. He hurt me tothe point i was near tears(very very sensitive). All i wanted was an answer but all i got was a stab in the back and a slap against my cheek. I want to hate him. I feel i hate him. But do i truely hate him? I help him through a lot. I never ask for anything in return. He would come to me for anything. I even trust him. But not trust him a lot for things to tell him( never really had any problems back then.) but know he […]
So I wasn’t going to post on here again until I finally decided to do the deed but I wrote this short poem, and wanted to share…
I long to forget my fears and close my weary eyes
To fade away and leave my pains behind
I long to speak to you in words I just cannot articulate
To show that this is what I most desire
I long to cut my worldly ties and say my sad goodbyes
To choose the time of my own release
I long to end this life unlived and take that final leap
To say I love you but sorry I must leave
I’m taking my ex to a Metric concert on Sunday. I’m paying for the tickets. I really do not know why.
I just kinda realized that today, I have no idea why I’m even being nice to her. I mean I’d like her as a friend but I don’t want to talk to her the way I’d talk to any other stranger. It’s not that she brings back bad memories like I’m some sort of veteran of Vietnam, but I just don’t know. I guess it’s just the philosophy that once you break up with someone, 99% of the time things are never the same again. […]
there are some things that I really really hate about myself. I masterbate on occasion, and I hate it. I frickin hate that I do it. It makes me want to kill myself afterwards if i didn’t think id be damned to hell. so instead i cut myself. which i do anyways, and don’t really even need an excuse for.
I am such a fucking worthless whore. im so stupid. I know that it makes me worse i dont know why i even do it.
and please don’t tell me not to worry about it, because […]
I was at a restaurant a couple of weeks ago and there were two cute girls working the counter and when I walked up I just felt like shit. Â I always feel like people watch and just think of me as a complete loser. Â I didn’t even want to go up to the counter because I was so nervous and intimidated because I thought they were just judging me as some pathetic asshole. Â Well, if I was them I would probably think the same think of me.
I’m 16 but I always feel like a child. Â I’m really smart and have the intelligence of some people older than me, but I’ve never gotten to do anything that made me feel like a teenager. Â I’ve never had sex, or kissed a girl, because I’ve never had a girlfriend. Â I wish I could do something that would make me feel older. Â Even if its something like smoking pot, if I could do it just once I think I would feel older. Â I feel inexperienced and completely uncomfortable around a lot of other teenagers.
People don’t see what’s going on inside. They think everything is fine. I’ve accomplished very good things, I’ve raised two fabulous sons by myself, had successful careers, good and bad lovers, done things everyone said couldn’t be done…..
Then my wonderful sons grew up and the requirement to BE THERE was gone. Since then I have just fallen like a house of cards.
While outside I’m still the tough cookie that can handle insurmountable obstacles, overcome all odds….inside I’m crying and hating myself. For years I’ve watched the house of cards crumble around me..card by card. Now I am feeling the brittle defenses inside caving […]
my parents divorced when i was an infant. and i can still remember the boyfriends my mom had to follow. always fighting. we’ve moved so many times. mostly because of them. cause i definitely wasn’t getting into trouble until i was aged 13. always had to make new friends. just to leave. and the process has happened so many times that i feel it has fucked up my current relationships with people. sometimes when i was in middle school, my aunt was murdered. in a small town where everyone knows each other. sad right? the person that killed her was only kind enough to leave […]
Does anyone know if our posts with the f word get deleted? I hope not. W’e’re depressed and I think saying fuck is a pretty minor offense.
I don’t have anything cogent to write. I’m just writing because it helps.
I finally contacted my therapist. I sent her email. Told her I needed to make an appointment with her but can’t call because I am utterly immobilized. She emailed back right away because she is a saint…we have something set up for Labor Day.
I will tell her that suicide is becoming a dominant theme in my thoughts. That I have researched ways to off myself…that I have […]