Everyone thinks that when you contemplate suicide its something that just sparked inside or maybe even short fused in your head for a split second and it was the first time, the moment will fade and the time will pass and all will be pink colored roses right? WRONG. The first time I contemplated suicide I was 12, family life at home was not the greatest. I was the oldest but the black sheep of the family so getting the short end of the stick and being shunned by my mother and step father was done on a regular basis. Who could blame her though. I found out at 22 that I was a product child of rape so I said “Oh no Wonder, I got all the beatings and I hate you and where you came from looks. Makes sense now”. My biological father was no where to be found since his life was taken from him [murdered] when I was the age of 17. No one to curse or yell at besides a marble wall to a mausoleum in Los Angeles which in my opinion isn’t even worth the car ride……….
Fast forward to 22yrs of age and her I am experiencing my first panic attacks and bouts of depression.  I was engaged at the time so I felt that if I secretly slipped away from the world that everyone and everything would be so much better. So I went into the bathroom, locked the door and started reading the bottle of sleeping pills to see how many was exactly “too many” sleeping pills to take. As I’m examining the bottle, my Ex bursts into the restroom 1. as if he knew what I was doing and 2. as if I hadn’t locked the door. Weird right! So needless to say I was checked into a crisis house and showed good progress after 3 days. Then I found out my mother was raped by my biological father and spiraled into an even deeper depression. I wasn’t released until 3weeks had passed. Diagnosed depression with anxiety. All was not well but it got better. I was on Zoloft for 3years on then took 3 years off. Was still doing ok aside from the first 6months of quitting my meds cold turkey.
Fast forward to me being 25 and taking the mature decision to go back to school and start making something of myself.  I take up Criminal Justice and learned how to do Phlebotomy [drawing of blood even though I hate blood and needles I passed!] along with how to process income taxes. At 27 things started getting fuzzy. I developed a drug habit, drinking habit and a gambling habit all while working part time and balancing a social life with school. Something was bound to suffer right? Well it was me. The drugs and the gambling played with my head to make me think if I committed a crime that I would be able to get away with it. Not that I was trying to. I was trying to just cover it up. Didn’t happen that way. I got myself into more trouble and I had 500 to replace before my place of business opened and they noticed the money was missing. So some how I got the funds I needed. And what did I do?
Went to go gamble it again. So I went to my previous place of employment and cutting out the who and how of the sorted details committed 3 Felony counts of a white collar crime and fled the state. This is where I got diagnosed as being Bipolar with Anxiety and insomnia. I immediately went onto medication since I know in the past, pills know best, and it helped. I kept a low profile for 9mths. I came back for a visit and my relative I was staying with [who has no idea of the situation] says “You need to stay where you are at until you can come get your belongings”. Well the state that I’m currently at is looking for me so UH that’s not an option. And to make matters worse I got a letter stating my arraignment date is scheduled for 10/11/11. If I fail to appear a warrant will be issued. So I either need to return to the other state and let the stature of limitations run out, show up on that date, or come full circle and do whats been on my mind to do all along; Commit Suicide.
Here are things I did not discuss. I personally know 2 friends that left one west coast state for the other, and as long as they haven’t returned they have been able to co-exist just fine in the neighboring state. The only hang up there is I have no where and no one to stay with. As attending my arraignment, I’m not sure if I will have another court date set or if they will take me into custody right then and there and hold me until a trial is scheduled which can sometimes take up to a year…………… So I’m trying to be hopeful, trying to talk to people about it, and they are brushing me off, not taking me seriously or just plain out right getting angry at me. But none of them are offering me solutions. There’s a friend in my exact situation that’s been free 8years and has an extra bedroom to spare for me but doesn’t want to because he’s “used to living alone” what kind of response is that to someone that says if I cant say here I’m going to kill myself. His response? “No you wont. You wont do it”. I wish people could understand suicide isn’t about being weak, its about feeling hopeless. If there were more friends out there to offer more than just a PRAYER then maybe some lives would be saved.
I was going to wait for my arraignment date to show up before I made any decisions but when my last friend made yet another stupid remark, so I said forget it why prolong the inevitable right? So fuck it, this week is the week. I’m so done. The only thing I’m glad I did just now was vent. *SIGH* Thanks for reading
p.s. I’m not scared of jail I’m scared of what minimal of a normal functioning life ill have after jail. This was my first offense and it is not in my character to do so, it was just a crime of passion that I wish had never sent me back into the full swing of not only a new mental illness but my old buddy old pal Suzie Sleeping Pills. Ha, I actually tried last week, but read up online that I did not have enough in my possession to make the dose lethal. That is how I was able to write this to you today. Because I just didn’t have enough of those Suzie Sleeping Pills…………
6 comments
Well i’m not a suicidal person, so i don’t know what i’m even doing on this site. I guess i was just feeling a little down about things and wanted a bit of perspective. I’ve never been on this site before, and have never even written on any kind of blog. But when i read this i decided i would not only quickly register to the site, but also make my first ever response on any kind of blog. I’ve never even met you, don’t know anything about you and you meant that much 😛
I’m not gonna lie your life doesn’t seem great at all. It is people like you whose problems dwarf my own in real terms. Seems like your whole life has been a war. If all you wanted to do by writing that was let your pain be known then you succeeded, albeit to somebody across the Atlantic from you who can only imagine what you have been through. But what will ending your life really solve? Life is always going to be f**king unfair and you didn’t choose to be here but now you are so you owe it to yourself not to be your own end in this way. You are going to die and be released someday anyway so why not try to get any form of enjoyment you can get until that day comes (i don’t mean taking drugs and gambling either, i mean some sort of fulfillment.) Who knows where you could be in 5 years time? It all depends on your attitude.
Forget about your ‘crimes’. It’s a f**king crime that you grew up in that kind of environment for a start. Your friend is an A-class nob head for treating you like that, it isn’t right to say things like that to somebody in such a volatile situation. Whether or not he actually thinks you would top yourself is irrelevant, because if he’s behaving like that around you in the first place, he probably doesn’t care. But why should you care? maybe your place is somewhere else. Forget about people like that. There’s obviously a bit of trouble on you around there, and you still haven’t even moved away from the place of those painful memories which may be partly why your relapsing into these thoughts. Its clearly not easy for you to get away but maybe it can be done and you need to give things a shot- O.D’ing on sleeping pills is just plain sad because its a waste of you. How you came to be and your past are gone and done. They don’t have to be a part of you. You can get away from all that and start a new life. Even if it takes time. Take the fact that your thinking like this as a turning point. You can help yourself if your minds in the right place.
I’m sorry i can’t offer any concrete solutions to your physical problems, but what i can do is ask you to think twice about that final act. Don’t ride your destructive emotions when they flare up. Don’t become another statistic. Making something out of the bleakness will bring far more than a premature death. Be remembered, not forgotten.
Regards. Somebody who stayed up a bit longer for you tonight.
Wow you weren’t lying about inner most thoughts. I know very little of the legal system but I know enough that cutting a plea deal is probably the best option. I’m not sure how lawyer situation is but if you have one even ifs a public defender talk it over with them. I hope things work out for you.
I hope my story gave you perspective on your life and your own issues. You still have a fighting chance. My hope has been extinguished…. For now.
i was born without hope. failure screw up and selfish defines me. my foster mom quit yesterday. today was picture day at my school and i cant seem to stop crying. would the world be better if i just sliped away? who would miss me? my friends? na. my family i’ve cuased them enough pain. my boyfriend? the same. i dont know what god was thinking when he made me all i ever do is hurt people. everything i touch i ruin everything i love gets hurt. who am i? i dont know………..
@ Lost Tears: If you would like to write me you can. I had a bad couple of months with addiction but after kicking the habit and coming back to normal I see that I no longer need substances. I say that because I wanted[If I make it want] to become a foster parent for teenage kids in the system to teach them survival tools of how to function in the real world rather than them being tossed out at 18 not knowing what to do, where to go, or how to do it. I feel for you Especially because your foster mom quit on you on picture day.
Sunshine, i understand. And i wont be going anywhere. Wait for you is easyer knowning your my everything. You wont go away i got u. I away will. I know i have scared u at times, and made u laugh, and cry. I even told ur mom u way being mean. But anyone can see i got something special, mi corizone, mi guesto mucho. Mi vida.. Life is what u make it. U make mine worth living. I will do whatever to prove ur mine.