My mother makes me want to die.

September 30th, 2011by Tigger1

my mom got pregnant at age 16 with me. When i was a baby about a year old maybe a little under my father held a knife to my mothers neck while i was on a changing table and made her wait and watch to see if i would fall on the tile below me and crack my head open. my mom screamed so loud though that my uncle came to the rescue (he lived next door). shortly my mom and my dad broke up. my dad has never been apart of my life. i would see him probably twice a year and each time he would make me cry and he would lie to me about everything. just bringing up his name would make me ball like crazy. he calls me sexy and ma and he would smack my butt and force me to cuddle with him and when he kisses my forhead or my cheek he makes noises and kisses me really long it makes me feel uncomfortable but i’ve never had the balls to say anything. i’ve moved about 18 times in my life i’m only 16. my mom is always changing boyfriends. when i was 13 my mom got in a bad relationship with a man who would verbally and physically abuse her every night. i would be up shaking, cold, with a migrane basically every night. he threatened my life one time because he had my moms purse and had thrown all of its contents all over the place and my mom had asked me to go get it and he told me if i stepped any further i would never see the light of day again. my mom had his baby. he would choke her. call her dirty words. bring up their sex life in front of me, my step sister, and my baby brother. he would always apologize for it. but it’s not like it made any difference. it was always over money. have you ever noticed how basically everything in life is based around money? it really pisses me off. anyways my mom and i are always great when its just the two of us but even then i’ve always liked her boyfriends. i liked matt, jeremy, mike, ryan, i even set her up with a guy. i’ve always encouraged her to be with them too and always accepted the good ones. other than kim. now she has a boyfriend todd. i hate his gutts. my mom has caught him looking at teenager porne websites, he doesn’t even talk to his son whos a spoiled brat by the way. one time we picked up his son from a soccer game and we don’t have much money and his son was like oh i think i want to go back after we drove him to his house so we drive back to the field and todd was lke are you hungry do you need money? jake said he had 5 dollars that would be enough so mom gave him an extra 5 bucks. then as we’re driving away todd yells at my mom telling her she should’ve given jake 10 dollars. my mom gave my phone that my grandparents bought for me to her boyfriend todd. when i brought it up 6 months later her boyfriend called me “the most spoiled bratt on the planet” when i hadn’t asked for one clothing item, i do the dishes, clean my room, babysit my brother all the damn time without hesitation and for no money or anything in return. my mom always puts me down about everything about my clothes, the way i look, when i get acne, my room, who i am, if i have one bad day its the end of the world to her and she freaks out and tells me i’m negative and that i have to put a smile on my face and so many other things. I started a fashion club just so she could be proud of me and the whole time she came to visit the booth i set up at the club fair she was complaining about how she didn’t want to be there. then her boyfriend called and she ran out and stayed in the car for the rest of open house. my grandparents visited all of my teachers my mom only visited one. todd will scream just like kim he’ll drive really fast and get on other cars tails especially when hes upset and i can tell mom hates it but she never says anything becuase shes afraid he’ll yell at her. when my little brother does one little thing he freaks out on him. hes just my moms boyfriend he has no right. my mom held him hostage in their bedroom from 9 at night to 1 in the morning. todd told me to call the cops i was scared she was going to kill somebody. i stayed up all night my eyes were puffy i still went to school the next day. they’re still together. i was in the car with them and they were argueing over a gps and todd told mom to stop fighting to drop it and then 5 minutes later not even he continued the fight so i politely said could you guys please stop yelling and then they turned around and told me that i was making the problem so much worse that i was the reason for all of the yelling and todd told me that i disgust him and to go live with my grandparents and stay there in front of my 6 year old brother who has heard enough screaming in his life and comes to my house with a cough everytime because his father and his disgusting roomates smoke pot all the time in front of him. my little brother already knows what a bong is and a bowl and wat pot looks like. hes 6! today i came home for the first time since i attempted to move in with my grandparents after the argument in the car over the gps. i can’t live with my grandparents but anyways todd wasn’t home yet and the first thing my mom says to me is that i have to be extra nice to todd and that i have to apologize for telling them to stop fighting i said well why can’t todd apologize first? i’m not going to apologize for telling you both to stop arguing in front of my little brother. and she said todd doesn’t have to apologize he didn’t do anything wrong. i wanted to go to my hometown since i moved last year and i miss my friends and my family. so my mom told me if i wanted to go then i had to say sorry. so i swallowed my tongue and said sorry and todd didn’t even apologize and then he told me that if a guy smiles at me it doesn’t mean he likes me and that my friends suck and i need new ones and that i have no backbone and that i’m always negative and he just kept cutting me down and telling me that i couldn’t fight with my mom anymore in front of mason when all they ever do is fight in front of mason. he didn’t even own up to anything. they just kept cutting me down so i told them i felt like i was being attacked and started crying and then he was like oh my god i’m leaving this house and my mom just kept telling me to stop crying that i was being emotional and negative. i don’t even understand why i can’t have bad days? i’m not negative all the time. at school i’m so happy because i’m with my friends and i’m just happy but when i get home its like i hate it here. i hate my mom. i hate her boyfriend. and i just hate being treated like shit when all i ever do is try to make her proud of me. i do everything she asks but if her boyfriend calls her she jumps and talks to him and then doesn’t even acknowledge me. we were supposed to have time together and the whole time she was being mean to me and talked to her boyfriend 6 times in 2 hours during a movie she got for us to watch and then she was like well i’m uncomfortable so i’m going into my bedroom and then i heard her and her boyfriend argueing. so stupid. and then i asked if since iwas watching my brother if i could go to my friends house in exchange and then she said no that todd was going to be home that i couldn’t go. even though i had a ride and she wouldn’t have to do anything. everything revolves around him and his needs. shes so mean to me all the time and cutting me down. i’m so sick of it. i don’t know what to do anymore. i’ve attempted suicide 3 times and she still doesn’t care. while i was in the shower after i cut myself my mom came in and started hugging me while the shower was going and all she said was we all make mistakes just like todd and i and i wish i could take back some of the things i’ve done to todd as if I didn’t even matter it was all about her and todd. she never listens to me ever. i’m really debating suicide. i know many others have it much worse. but i hate myself. i’m never good enough. and my mom only cares about her boyfriend. i don’t know what to do anymore.

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