I start a new school on Monday and I’m a couple of weeks late. I’m going to Year 10 (I’m in England) and I’m really nervous. I keep crying, I probably have the lowest self-esteem in the world and I have a scary feeling that it’s leading to a disorder. I look in the mirror and cry every single day. I can’t look people in the eye except the people I live with.. (for example) If I go shopping I tend to look on the floor, rather than in front of me, I tend to avoid asking for help or going to crowded isles, I’d rather grab the stuff I can get without needing to speak to anyone and leave whether or not I got everything I needed.
I hate myself and I probably would’ve committed suicide long ago if not for my faith & the fear of death but, I have been having a lot of feelings towards it these past few days. I’m not good with new people and I’m scared, really, really scared.
“What if I don’t fit in?” “What if I’m bullied?” “What if I get very bad grades?” “What if NO ONE likes me?”
I feel embarrassed to talk to anyone and when I spoke to my mum about my nerves, she said it was normal and all. I know that but for me it’s way more.
I’m crying as I type this.
I found this site whilst I searched on easy ways to commit suicide & how to make it less painful.
Any advice and more inspiration would be much appreciated.
-With love.
6 comments
Please talk to your mum again, and tell her exactly how bad you feel, so she understands and gets you help. I can see that you problems are serious, but the very very likely can also be fixed, but you need professional help. The first steps to that will be very scary, but less scary and muuuuuch better than killing yourself.
And if your mum still does not listen (some, including mine 🙁 ) cannot deal with it, go to a school counsellor, teacher, priest, any other adult you trust. Don’t give up until someone listens.
Let us know how you go, we care very much about you.
Much love A
Hi TheNewKid,
I’m on medication to ease my schizotypal personality disorder (including social anxiety), but I hesitate to recommend it, since I feel it makes me despondent, and alters my personality significantly.
As far as possible, I’d recommend adapting to your situation. Since you are very sensitive, and quite afraid of people you don’t know and trust, try to spend as much times as possible with people you do trust.
But also try to become aware of what makes you trust people. If you can figure out how the process works for you, maybe you can learn to trust others more easily, and recognise that it’s okay, socially, to be very sensitive and insecure and scared. Some of us just are, and society should have room for us.
Also, try to think about whether your percieved weaknesses or problems might have a flipside to them, if they might also be strengths. High sensitivity can make you a more empathic person towards others. And it might also bestow some creativity upon you.
Actually, try to get to know yourself and your strengths, ’cause they can carry you a long way in life, and we all have them. Notice which activities make you forget yourself and time and place. If you often become absorbed in something, experiencing “flow”, maybe you should spend more time doing it. It might even be something you consider a bad habit, but try to become aware of it, and ask yourself whether it might be useful to yourself and others.
In summary: Adapt, stay true to yourself and turn your weaknesses into strength.
I like your post, because it’s well-written, honest and kind. You sound like a wonderful person.
Best wishes,
muspelhem
I know exactly how you feel. Used to have the same problems. Less severe now, but I’m still pretty shy around people.
If you’re a sincere, thoughtful person you’ll naturally be likeable and you’ll naturally make friends… just start talking to someone and you’ll just end up hanging out, and tada, you fit in. If you don’t fit in… well think of it this way, when you graduate, nobody’s going to give a crap about what kind of person you were in school, so it’s ok.
Don’t worry about it. Grades are not a good gauge of someone’s level of intelligence. If you get good grades, that just means you’re good at taking tests and hardworking. In truth grades don’t really mean much when you go out to work, plenty of people earn a decent living without good grades in school.
If you don’t want to be bullied, don’t be a pushover. Though I think standing up to people is going to be especially hard for you, I never managed it… But generally if you don’t want to be bullied just stick tight to a group of friends… unless all your friends are pushovers, then I dunno. :/
When I was in school I used to try fuckin hard to keep my grades up, but I couldn’t do it, I just kept failing. Then I stopped caring, gave the fuck up, wasn’t really goin anywhere in life anyways. Got new friends, said fuck you to some of the old ones, skated through life like a true fuck. That didn’t get my grades up neither. Now, even as I type this, I wish I woulda gotten help or something for my grades. When I get out of the Marine Corps I’m fucked on a job. So try hard and don’t start not givin a fuck. You’ll regret it you really will.
Thank you all so much for your advice and support. I will make sure to post on how the day went, for now all I can do is pray and wish for the best.
Much love! :*
abuse survivor, thank you again and I will try speaking to my mum again.. some time. MuspelHem thank you for your compliments, it really means a lot! You seem like a wonderful person too and I wish you all the best! Sonic, thank you :’) And TC, I will never not give a fuck, haha thanks xx
You guys are wonderful! xxxxx